This has turned into a void of all the words I've shared with few. Maybe two. Who knows?
It's been a long time since I've been here and life has simply passed by in a blur. Seasons coming and going, the same can be said for friends and family. My how time has passed.
I keep trying to articulate my anything. My thoughts or my feelings or something. It used to be no problem at all, have keyboard, will type endless sentences. Only now the translations between my mind and fingers or heart and lips is lost. I can't connect them.
My mind is a mess of my own voices all arguing with each other about which paths to take and choices to make. My heart is hard and empty in my chest.
I feel selfish. Why? Why... I have responsibilities. I have obligations that are vastly more important than my trivial emotional issues. Desiring anything that isn't for my child's benefit seems pointless. My dreams are gone. My child's are all that matter.
I feel lost. Why? I'm living in a place that for all intents and purposes is the only familiar surroundings I have left and I couldn't feel more lost. Family is here and comfort. At least, a roof and food. No space of my own. I miss my own space...
I miss the feeling of love and falling and being in love. I keep trying to go back and find it and recapture the one I lost. Every time I do I end up the same way. Bitter. Angry. Suffocated. Resentful. Frustrated. What's wrong with me?
It's not like he's an awful guy. He cares about me and would go out of his way for me. Why am I so broken? Why can't I return what he feels? Why can't I just feel it, again?
Its like, no. Not like. I am repeating the same cycles over and over again. He won't pull out. He keeps coming back. Why do I keep being open? Why do I keep letting it happen? I learn the same thing every time.
I don't love him. Not anymore. I'm awful and despicable for leading him on. I'm at a loss as to what to do anymore. He keeps staying. I can't stop from pulling away. I can't stop the distancing I've started. I can't revert.
I can't be the girl he's in love with. I can't find her. The girl who cared about contact and dates and flattery and support. Every time it comes up I cringe, pained that I can't do something for myself.
If I can't, I don't. Everything feels like a debt or like I owe. I don't know why we keep this cycle going. I'm trying so hard. Am I? I don't even know anymore.
Nothing. Compares. To her.
That loss is felt in every breath I take. Everything that could be shared. No one knows my mind and heart like she did. That friendship shattering around me. I can barely think about it.
No one sees it. I'm in a downward spiral and God I'm smarter than this! I know who to go to. Hell I'm supposed to go to him. Or the only friend I have left.
Am I awful? Is that why they're all that's left? Have I chosen wrong? When?
Spiral, spiral, spiral. I dive in all the time quietly in my mind. I haven't put thought to word in. So, so long. She's gone. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. No one else feels the same. Nothing feels the same. Where do I go from it all?
I know I'll never have the closeness she and I did ever again. No one will ever get me in the same way. No one will ever read my mind and finish my sentences and just KNOW from a look, what's on my mind. I'll never read someone as well either. I just, knew her.
Loss to death is altogether something I still don't know where to start with. Mostly im angry. And there's no where for those damn words to go. Who the fuck is there? Who is THERE left.
God I wanted him to be what was left. He reached out and it was beyond my wildest imagining. But what's changed? Nothing. Nothing's changed. He hasn't changed at all. And I'm this altogether different person than the girl I was before he went away. He went away and I got left behind because of stupid choices he made. And in that time I've grown. I'm not who he left behind. I'm entirely different. I'm harder and meaner and I don't have patience.
I wanna change back. I wanna be the girl who loved blindly and asked no questions. I wanna be the girl who daydreamed about his eyes and doodled his stupid name in notebooks or filled pages with corny paragraphs about how I feel.
Now I can barely muster missing him. I can't find those feelings. Dad's death. Papa's death. The people who have left. And left me behind. There's so much loss and pain to sift through it's like each day another one is ready to remind me I never got a chance to finish processing it. Never got a chance to release the pain and grief of those losses.
I'm literally at rock bottom here. I'm scraping everything I have to survive and provide for my child. We've got such small space. Little room. A storage unit where all our belongings have been for almost a year. I prioritize the important shit but fuck I wanna be back in our own space. I want better for her but it doesn't feel better.
Why isn't anyone else seeing that? Do that know? Am I masking? Am I supposed to let them in? How do I do that?!? Who is there who is there who is there. Who is there.
I don't know how to unlearn trauma responses. Is it even that?? I need to see someone but when and how? There's so much else slipping through my cracks and I can't seem to make it important enough.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK.
