Am I the abuse or are they the abuser? Can we be mutally abusive?
I honestly donât know.
My parents used to hit at me and scream at me when I was little. Theyâve backed off now that Iâm old enough to fight back and make a fuss legally. But it still seems like the constantly invalidate my feelings and deny that they hit me.
They demand things like I âwillâ sit down âright nowâ and I âwontâ wear this or that or else iâm so selfish and antisocial and meeean and I have to consider their feelnigs or iâm not a decent human being, regardless of whether what theyâre demanding makes me uncomfortable and unhappy, thatâs abusive right?
They shout at me for falling or dropping things, make a big display about how selfish I am and how little I care, despite the fact I have dyspraxia.
I have processing and executive issues and they also make a song and dance about how nasty I am because I forget, or because I âdonât listenâ and âdonât try.â
They make statements of opinions or myths/legends as facts and tell me my knowledge is wrong because they âyou canât believe what you read on the internetâ and they âknow better because theyâre more experiencedâ sometimes even âYou do misunderstand and mishear things sometimes sweeite :)))â Funny that you didnât buy that when I tried to tell you that I forgot or misunderstood something.
But lately Iâve come to the realisation that it seems like Iâm constantly calling them out on their âabuseâ and âwrong opinionsâ, like they always âset me offâ Iâm always on edge about when they might âact upâ, I feel like they make me act out of control, I storm off when I address something that effects me and they say Iâm overreacting, and deliberately so that they can/not reach me and I get the last word. These are all things Iâve found on warning signs that I might be an abuser. Even moreso because I know I am an abuser, I have abused in the past.
It really does seem like theyâre always wrong, but then they always say racist and sexist,ableist and agressive things and are able to constantly deny/justify their violence towards me or articulate bullshit about things they know nothing about and completely resistant to learning so what am I supposed to think?Â
A little while back I screamed my mother about how tired and disgusted she made me feel and how disgusting her behaviour is, and I still mean what I said  but at the same time in that moment I became exactly what I feared, I became agressive and intimidating and nasty and I donât think thatâs ok... It wasnât ok to make her feel scared and disgusting was it?And I might have taken it out on my mother because sheâs an easier target than my father I donât really know?
Shortly after that I admitted that sometimes they make me want to kill myself, thatâs not reasonable thing to tell someone is it? I dunno someone help me.
