i never thought id be making a post for this blog again but im fed up of this so here it is. i have deleted nearly everything on this blog because i am tired of the years of abuse i endured as a teen soon after being raped being reduced to me supposedly âloving cockâ or otherwise used as a reflection of my sexuality / the reality of my trauma. this first started with a racist heterosexual woman stalking me and then ended up with a misogynistic woman that wished rape on me & partakes in constant rape & abuse apologism (especially when itâs lesbians who faced abuse at the hands of men) also scouring this blog for anything she can use to accuse me of enjoying my abuse. some ridiculous arguments were made, like if it was so traumatic, i shouldâve gone through tens of thousands of posts on this blog to delete any hint of me pretending to be ok with it & the one responsible for it. or if i was really traumatised then i shouldâve deleted the blog when the reason i kept it is because of how often im accused of lying about my abuse. or if i REALLY was abused, i wouldnât change the url of this blog which is filled with highly personal information like my first name (no longer present on this blog). or i actually had the support of my mother (who i talked openly about being abusive to me at the time & having a bad relationship with) therefore im lying that the guy abusing me was my only emotional support at the time. or any REAL victim or REAL lesbian couldnât ever possibly for any brief moment pretend online, via text, that we enjoyed our abuse / are attracted to men. all of these arguments are ridiculous when you take into consideration the whole picture. âââââââââââââââââââââ
THE REAL STORY
a decade ago, i was pushed into an abusive relationship i did not want to be in and this relationship became one of the core themes of this blog for about a year or two. this relationship involved everything i did and even said being controlled and this was a public and known aspect of it. i had ârulesâ put into place, was told to share inappropriate images of myself and even sometimes encouraged/praised by adults on here at the time. in that time, i had claimed to be the one secretly in power, the one who suggested it, the one in control, etc. i wonât deny that that is what i wanted: to be in control of my body and what happens to it. as someone who had faced rape in my early teens, as my first ever sexual experience, i wanted to feel like i somehow could get my agency back. this is normal for girls who were in my situation, so is hypersexuality. both are trauma symptoms, not indications of our sexual orientation. after initially rejecting all of it for years, i allowed myself to be put through things that were traumatising me & harming me repeatedly, and tried to convince myself and others that this time i had control and was enjoying it. while i genuinely wanted to enjoy it, trying to present things that way didnât mean i truly felt that way. i knew something was off from the very first time it happened and kept trying to put an end to it, but i was trapped in a cycle of fear and reliance. i had lost so many of my friends due to being raped, i had lost all sense of agency due to being raped, and so i feared saying no and thought i owed a yes to someone actually i owed nothing to. i shouldnât have felt like my body was a good trade for emotional support nor should i have felt like saying no would make me powerless to what happens to me, but i was not in a rational state of mind and living in a constant state of either fear or dissociation. i was barely admitting to myself what i was putting myself through, nevermind admitting to others. i thought something was wrong with me and thought that if i keep letting it happen, maybe whatever is wrong with me would be fixed. in the end, i came to realise, thereâs nothing wrong with me. thereâs nothing to fix. im simply a lesbian and thereâs nothing wrong with that. accepting myself in that way has allowed me to live in a way i had denied myself for most of my teen years.
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THIS BLOG
i have decided to leave some things on this blog because im tired of letting people trying to control and narrate MY story on my behalf when they hardly know me or my experiences. so here it is. you no longer have posts of me in the closet pretending to like things that i admitted were traumatising me as soon as i was out of that situation. you no longer can argue that i mustâve meant it when i claimed to like being abused because i didnât sit there and dig through an abandoned blog filled with hints of my trauma to remove things you might want to use against me. you can have your screenshots and archived posts, but you canât have this blog as your excuse to keep bombarding me with memories of a traumatic point of my life & use it to argue that itâs an indication of attraction to men. most importantly, you can now see this blog for what it is, with the aspects you abuse & rape apologists kept avoiding: the blog of a hopeless teenage rape victim. the blog of a deeply unhappy and suicidal person. the blog of a traumatised girl. the blog of someone who felt powerless & alone after enduring trauma at a young age. whether you believe my story or not doesnât justify the way you have treated me. it doesnât justify accusing me of lying about being raped, it doesnât justify arguing âif you really were abused then why didnât you tell someone back thenâ, it doesnât justify accusing me of lying about not enjoying being beat and controlled and pushed to do things and coerced, often while under the influence of drugs/alcohol. thereâs hints of all of that on this blog. from me hinting that it started when i took sedatives & was attempting suicide, to it escalating the first time i ever got drunk & also attempting suicide, i had referred to this guy as my âbest friendâ / âonly friendâ at that time, and then my story changed when he started to frequent this blog (claiming i âinvited him overâ and âbam weâre datingâ, as opposed to the initial story i shared of him chasing after me & him coming over bc i was on sedatives & overdosing). all of your arguments can be reduced to abuse apologism and victim blaming, because all of it is reliant on assuming that girls lie about being abused and not enjoying being abused if they didnât make sure to be a âgoodâ victim first. âââââââââââââââââââââ
ENDING NOTES
id also like to please request that if you reblogged ANY inappropriate images of me, please delete them. i was underage in all of them. i donât feel comfortable with them being out there but i know i donât have much control over that. secondly, if you learned my name through this blog, please donât share it. to the people who led to me taking this action, i really hope you reflect on the implications of the rape & abuse apologism youâve partaken in. please think of how youâd feel, if applicable, if your own abuse & rape was called a lie and used against you. imagine someone taking the worst points of your life and claiming you enjoyed it because you couldnât express your struggles & process your trauma as it was ongoing. this is what youâve done / are doing to me. i hope youâll think twice before doing that to any other women next time & realise how lesbophobic it is that some of you target lesbians with this abuse apologism under the guise of âexposing fake lesbiansâ. âââââââââââââââââââââ THANKS
lastly, thank you to all the traumatised lesbians that reached out to me and supported me. thank you to the goldstar lesbians who messaged me and heard my story as it is, not as some people want it to be. thank you to the women who spoke in my defence. i wonât name you bc i donât want you to get harassed, but you know yourselves. you really helped me hold on and wait it out in a time when my trauma felt once again fresh and current.
