It’s not unmanly, unfeminine, “gay” (in a negative way), un-dominant-like, or weak in any way to be vulnerable and open to empathy. To the contrary, it takes a lot of security with one’s chosen roles and orientation to be willing to experience sensations that are outside of one’s comfort zone or are not in keeping with their usual role.
As others have said, maybe an actual anal insertion isn’t necessary but the way your partner responds during the conversation is very, very important. If your partner is unwilling to even consider empathizing with you, they do not view you as a whole person and may do things that discount your needs, feelings and perspectives. This is emotionally destructive and can be physically dangerous.
In a similar but slightly less controversial method, if ball/ring gags or long-session oral sex are part of your lovemaking or scene activity it can be helpful to ask your partner to do a couple of exercises to allow them understand more fully what you experience during these activities.
- Ask them to open wide, bite down into an apple and hold it.
- Ask then to hold a moderately sized cucumber in their mouths without marking the skin.
- Ask them to hold a moderately sized cucumber gently in the mouth so it lays fully against the tongue. (Just before the gag threshold but not beyond.)
- Ask them to extend their tongue and balance a button on the tip without dropping it.
You should position each object, with their guidance. Each exercise should be timed with an aim of reaching at least five minutes. Your partner should not be able to see the timer or know how long you intend to let the exercise continue. Of course, the exercise must end immediately if your partner taps out.
Afterwards, talk about what the experience was like. Compare notes about the kinds of discomfort they experienced and how long it took before the discomfort kicked in. How did breathing feel in that position? What did they feel in their neck and jaw? What did they feel emotionally?
Remember to be lighthearted, positive and kind while doing this. Don’t choose extraordinarily large objects for the exercise. Don’t try to force your partner to tap out or tell them that it will continue until they do. Don’t do this in front of others, unless those people also participate with the two of you in activity you’re simulating. Don’t mock or tease them about how they performed. The exercise should not take place as part of a scene or sexual encounter, it should be an educational game played between friends.
The idea is not to punish or put your partner down; it’s to demonstrate, share and communicate important intimate information about what you experience when you perform these activities for your mutual pleasure.
Experience breeds empathy, and empathy allows for a deeper, more powerful and intense interaction. If your partner has a problem with that, they probably aren’t emotionally healthy enough to be with you, and they definitely are not mature enough to be having sex with anyone but themselves.
