I’m Trying

Mental health blog don’t report just block pls

[imtryingitsfailing]

The desperation I feel of not wanting to exist or have ever existed in he first place is crushing me, there is NOTHING I enjoy enough to fucking bother being here but I can’t leave either cause it’d make my MOM SAD

[imtryingitsfailing]

I just saw someone post about turning 28 and it upset me because I thought about being 28 and I don’t want to. Not even in the “oh god I’m so scared of being old” way but in the “I don’t want to live that long” way and now I’m just depressed as fuck so 👍🏻👍🏻 nice

[imtryingitsfailing]

I feel like I am not going to be alive soon. But I also know that isn’t true. Tho I wish it was.

[imtryingitsfailing]

I’m beginning to think no matter what I do I will feel like a failure, exhausted, and awful. I would like to have a stretch of longer than 2-3 days of feeling halfway decent. Not even good, just decent, because I never feel “good” I don’t think I’ve ever truly felt “good”

[imtryingitsfailing]

I’ve tried all the tricks to make myself feel better. Self care, hobbies, working, exercising, and all they have done is made me more miserable because they didn’t help. Now what? I wallow on the floor on my days off, I try to distract and enjoy things. I can’t even go outside because there’s nothing there but dead grass and dirt. Oh the joy of living in a desert. I have no friends here. I hate doing things alone. I guess I’ll just continue to wallow.

[imtryingitsfailing]

I love that my friends just never fucking talk to me. It’s so great. Especially after I’ve repeatedly said that ignoring my texts makes me feel like absolute shit. I’m lonely. I’m depressed. I LITERALLY started hallucinating because of it but nooooo. Don’t fucking answer. Fine. Don’t rely on me to talk to you when you need it than. Because you’re never there to talk to me when I do.

[imtryingitsfailing]

My birthday is May 1st and I’m so sad about it. I kinda forgot it existed till today, which is not abnormal. In college I always forgot about it until a few days before because, well, I had finals. I’ve been out of school for 3 years, that’s not the sad bit, the sad bit is even after living away from my friends for 3 years this is the first year since I started college I will be alone with just my parents. I love them, but I’m lonely as all hell, and having none of my friends around is just making it worse. The only thing I can think of is maybe playing minecraft or something else together but I feel like that’d make it worse. I don’t know. I’m just sad. Ramble over.

[imtryingitsfailing]

Nothing is relaxing. Every hobby brings me more stress. There is no comfort in tv or games. I am stuck sitting in my head alone. I do not want to be here anymore.

[imtryingitsfailing]

Me: I am not going to make any goals this year, not even small ones, because I’m exhausted and they exacerbate my mental health issues and I’m trying really hard to feel better

My family: that’s a terrible idea you HAVE to have goals or you’ll just be lazy and not get anything done or move forward in life

My literal job: Here is a work sheet where you are required to write down 3 goals to finish in you personal and work lives that will be checked up on in 3 months!

Me: I… hate being alive.

[imtryingitsfailing]

I love sending texts and waiting all day for someone, anyone, to talk to you and no one does. I will message back every time. Every single time. Even if I don’t have any thing to say, but they aren’t me, and I shouldn’t expect that. Other people have lives, and I am not that important, but man does it fucking suck. I’m so, never endingly, lonely.

[imtryingitsfailing]

Being alive is exhausting. I just don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t remember the last time I actually enjoyed life. I enjoy my friends, I enjoy activities and there are things and people I love. But I still don’t see the point in being alive. The joy is fleeting and it’s not strong, most of life is suffering in silence and I don’t even really think I have the right to suffer because my traumas feel so small when I look at the world and other people, but that only makes it worse. I’m not going anywhere, I don’t want to be the cause of others suffering, I don’t want to be resented, so I’ll just continue, falling in the constant spiral.

[imtryingitsfailing]

I can’t tell if I’m trying hard not to relapse or trying hard to relapse and it’s getting to me man. I just wanna be healthy and do things the healthy way but I also really really don’t because I’m depressed and tired and the healthy way requires a lot more energy and effort

[imtryingitsfailing]

Me: I’m feeling pretty good rn actually

My brain the second I’m alone: you’re eating too much, you haven’t brushed your teeth in a week, you haven’t worn your retainer since you stopped brushing your teeth so you’re even farther behind on it, you are ONLY drawing weird monsters and extremely boney ladies, the first time your friend walked out of the room cause they got frustrated you almost cried, need I go on?

Me: … I’m fine.

[imtryingitsfailing]

Me: I’m feeling pretty good rn actually

My brain the second I’m alone: you’re eating too much, you haven’t brushed your teeth in a week, you haven’t worn your retainer since you stopped brushing your teeth so you’re even farther behind on it, you are ONLY drawing weird monsters and extremely boney ladies, the first time your friend walked out of the room cause they got frustrated you almost cried, need I go on?

Me: … I’m fine.

[imtryingitsfailing]

Is 3:30 pm too early to chug some fireball... Or wine? ...I shouldn’t get drunk everytime I feel bad but I’m gonna do it anyway while I have the alcohol 👍🏻

[imtryingitsfailing]

I think the fact that “if I die young” was like my favorite song when I was in grade school should’ve been a red flag but here we are

[imtryingitsfailing]

The only thing keeping me here is knowing I’ll make people sad. That’s not a good reason to stay, but a reason is a reason I suppose.