It’s a strange feeling. It’s a really strange feeling. Yesterday morning, after waking up to the devastating news from Berlin, for a brief moment I thought “I hope whoever did this, dies”. And then, in the evening, he did. And I somehow felt guilty. Guilty for a death I didn’t cause but for a death that, even for a brief moment, I hoped for.
I am not religious, but I believe in the sanctity of human life. I believe that no matter what, we do not have the right to take another’s life. And yet, I wished for someone’s death.
I believe at my core in protecting immigrants. Still, for a moment, however brief, I found myself listening more attentively to the far-right narrative. As a queer woman, as a woman who was sexually assaulted by an immigrant, the temptation to find refuge in hate was there.
But hate is never justified. Hate will only breed more hate. Hate will never be the solution. Division will never be the solution. Hate is what caused this in the first place. Generalizing an entire group of people based on the actions of a handful of individuals will never be right.
I don’t know what motivated Abdul Ballout’s actions. I don’t think I’ll ever know. What I know is that everyone will try to construct narratives around it that fit their already held beliefs. I also know that I do not want to listen to them. In pain, in anger, in confusion, I want to find compassion.
So while hurt, confused and imperfect, my heart stands with immigrants, with Muslims, with hurt young men who feel like only extremists listen to them. As a queer woman, I see you and I will listen.
To anyone out there who hates me just for being alive, I beg you, try to listen, I can’t bear to see anymore death. To anyone out there who’s scared, I am too, I stand with you. To those directly affected and their loved ones, I am so sorry, you never deserved this, the world has been far too cruel to you. To myself, keep seeking love and compassion, the times when it’s hard are the times when it’s most important.
