in.sight

trying to imagine in advance what i was never intended to know

[in--sightforesightmoresight]

...I’ll take the positive and not so positive adjectives about me in stride.

[in--sightforesightmoresight]

sketches.

i now understand my father’s apathy towards life because of work. there is no sense of urgency in anything i do now because it seems that i’m on this ferris wheel of responsibilities. i want to get off.

even the impending doom of a deadline is gone and i often find myself wondering what i even look forward to. where am i going? where are we going? ‘should i care more or less?’ is what i ask myself, trying to justify what ever choice i make that day. 

i had a dream someone was taking me on a tour of a dying earth and i ultimately felt relief knowing there was at least an ending. i found some weird solace knowing my worries, no matter how extensive or trivial they were, they’d all lead to the same place eventually. It didn't matter and it still doesn't. 

[in--sightforesightmoresight]

close to none.

i’ll spend these last few days this year in solitude, just as i started it. my seclusion is heavier this time around but it doesn’t hurt me at all. i found that keeping you wasn’t the best way to preserve you --or my love. i want to exhaust all desire within myself towards you. i feel isolated in this mix of feelings and i know where my complacency lies but i don’t understand it. my current thoughts require more than delicacy.

all my fears move beside me now, it also helps to know my experience cuts just as deep as others.

i know when things are serious, i also know when they re not. 

[in--sightforesightmoresight]

outsider.

pre apocalyptic thoughts. i dream in bright voids.  the unforgiving sun loves no man, not even me.  i've only asked for light, still it brings familiarity of pain.  what's there to lose when all is gone? i fear very little to nothing these days. i only feel tired, longer; i swam beneath violent pools and calming rays.

[in--sightforesightmoresight]

sometimes,

i f̶e̶e̶l̶ am free. 

[in--sightforesightmoresight]

Men cannot be trusted to administer their own redemption.

[in--sightforesightmoresight]

blond dreams.

i think your words hold more weight now that you’ve been good to me. there was a tender feeling that fell over me every time i thought of your defining moments. that tenderness drained me. seeing now how ignorant i was, i know the appeal of your influence consumed parts of me i thought i had control over. we don’t know what we need until we lack it. i found solace in your silence and ecstasy in you arms. i used to to think it meant something before, when i was younger and believed in more.

[in--sightforesightmoresight]

People do insane shit when they're in love: to keep it, to retrieve it and to have it for themselves only.

[in--sightforesightmoresight]

off white.

i understand you more than anyone else, but i’m tired of being crucified for giving my truth life. it breathes just as heavy as you and i. the rawness of it’s existence makes people uncomfortable. it sometimes makes me uncomfortable too. i accept that the weight of it killed your spirit. i know to pray when it gets too heavy. i find it hard to revive all the love it’s killed, i think it’s trying to kill me too.

[in--sightforesightmoresight]

nights.

sadness cured my writers block.

i spent too much time with desire; i had nothing to think about.

some people are robbed blind by love but i watched you take everything —in fact, i think i might have given you every reason to.

all i get now are side eyes and whispers of what i could’ve been but i don’t let it sink in anymore.

[in--sightforesightmoresight]

...Do not, however, make the mistake of thinking that all desire is yearning.

[in--sightforesightmoresight]

just like you, just like me.

i know better than to be writing concerning someone who no longer serves my needs but i feel more than compelled to reach you about parts of me i have yet to understand.

self doubt has filled each room i step into like smoke; threatening and obvious. i spent more time thinking than doing in these last few days. i calculate my each move like it’s going to save me. i made too many mistakes that were on display for too many people to see.

i’m an average person with spontaneous tendencies. i used to think i was too much, but now it seems as if i’m not enough.  

[in--sightforesightmoresight]

23 flavors.

i look at people’s negative traits more often than not because it reminds me that we’re not infallible, especially me. i don’t know what it is in me that keeps me here. i think i find it to be a lot easier, maybe simpler  --to dismiss and destroy.