in-betweening

take twenty five.

[in-betweening]

I must stop puffing up my pride (in this notebook) just for the sake of doing as Stendhal did. The spirit of imitation; watch out for it. It is useless to do something simply because another man has done it. One must remember the rule of conduct of the great after having isolated it from the contingent facts of their lives, rather than imitating the little facts.

Dare to be yourself. I must underline that in my head too.

Don’t ever do anything through affectation or to make people like you or through imitation or for the pleasure of contradicting.

[in-betweening]

a pain so raw/ 

sitting here

considering.  contemplating this idea of my grandmother being gone.

i knew/i realized.  it’s always been there - of course - this knowledge. that some day this woman would be gone.  

this formidable force.  this love-this damage-this source of strength this source of pain.  

but now.  the idea of having it actually taken away.  it’s more than hard.  it’s beyond that.  it’s stunning.  it’s choking me.  

because there’s another knowledge.  this parallel notion/ of all the things that will go unsaid.  

of the woman who repeatedly, methodically takes me out at the knees.  

knowingly.  

with that twinkle in her eye.  the tongue so cutting.  that forever biting way.

yet, consequently - is the person who singlehandedly forced me to grow up faster than anyone else.  to grow a reptilian skin.  so hard to thank her and curse her at the same time  and to try and confront this now?  it’s impossible.  i’ve been trying to do this for thirty one years.  how am i suddenly supposed to find this peace.  (realizing, again and again lately - that i may not be a girl who finds peace, easily or at all in some matters).  

[in-betweening]

there is, at least, at this point, effort being made. to get out. to be social. but social in a weird way. of like. hey. i'm here. look at me. pay attention to me. i exist. the same way a lamp exists. i'm an ornament on the wall. i'm your decoration. consider me, the way you consider inanimate objects. briefly find me appealing, idealistic. a prototype of something you'd like to hang onto for an evening and then discard. yeah. consider me like that. it's just a start after all

[in-betweening]

[in-betweening]

 Women—who are twice as likely as men to develop PTSD, according to the National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder—are more likely to show signs of anxiety and depression and to avoid places that remind them of the trauma.

[in-betweening]

[in-betweening]

"and if you wanna know- i won't confront you / with all the stupid things that you said"

[in-betweening]

non-reactivity doesn't mean non-action

[in-betweening]

loss/upon loss/upon loss

and for years i'd been saying:

don't you understand?

i gave up everything to be here.

but i don't think i fully understood the gravity (the full-blown strength) of that strength of that sentence.

because - i gave up EVERYthing to be here.

my sanity/my name/my friends/my reputation/my family/

trust.trust.trust. 

and when she looked at me and said:

'how could anyone think you made this up: all you've had is loss upon loss upon loss'

it clicked.  so much clicking these days.

[in-betweening]

"i don't really care what i'm doing / i just want to work on something that i can be proud of"

[in-betweening]

how many times i’ve wished for change/ gave up, gave in, and called it fate/ repeating all of the same mistakes/ wasn’t ready for what i’d find

[in-betweening]

[in-betweening]

and all this time

you were wondering.

waiting/

debating.

chess-style-plotting-out

your next move.

but it doesn't matter.

because the thing is/

what you didn't realize.

what you were so oblivious to (for years!)

was that these decisions /fell into place/ were made for you.

oh-so-many-years-ago.

[in-betweening]

a return to what was / a regression to a person you've never been.

[in-betweening]

because/ maybe it's supposed to hurt.

staying where it's sticky. staying where it's hot.

re:do/re:gain/re:birth.

weathering, after all.

[in-betweening]

the things that remain

there remains/of course - a litany of things that you want to say -- to her/to him.

you want to shout, how you feel like this isn't your fault.

not entirely any way.

how could it possibly be.

that you own your part of things - but can't they accept their responsibility as well?

[who knew it was possible to feel this lonely. again. already. so soon. your constants, constants/consistently being ripped away from you.  you, repeatedly being poked at/reminded that you are, in fact, your only constant]

and didn't you just do this same, sad dance not too long ago?

different partner of course - but the same foreseeable outcome.

is this what happens when you take your stand?

///an a switch in possessive nouns for once///

i remember sitting on that couch- what had become our couch.

promising him.  promising myself. that someday. sometime. some moment.  i'd have to choose myself.  over him.  over us.   

and i never did. i never could.  i was always last.  i was flailing/ everyone saw me drowning.  but he came first.  and i was okay with that.

i know i'm working this shit out with her now.  i can't help it.  the principles are the same.  (aren't they?)  

[in-betweening]