christy.darling

"It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're seventeen and planning for someday, and then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today, and then someday is yesterday, and this is your life." - One Tree Hill

[inablink-ofaneye]

I feel numb. I feel unworthy. I feel like what is the point of my being in this awful world. I just feel like I truck along every day for what fucking reason? No one has ever cared for all the support and love I made the extra effort to give. And when I don’t continue to give it I’m the bad person? When I try to communicate how I feel it’s, “Get over it” “You’re holding a grudge” “You took it the wrong way” Or, “I have to learn my place” I am literally so over life but I don’t have the balls to take myself out of it.

[inablink-ofaneye]

2012-2015.

These years were the best years I have lived so far. And I wish I could live it over and over again.

I met the love of my life, and some of the best of friends during this time. I spent so much quality time with them. It was almost everyday we were doing something together. I worked at a job where at that time, I didn’t know I loved so much. I had so much fun, regardless of the sweat and tears, and I wish I had somehow stuck with it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life now. Got a house with my love. Have a job at the hospital. But I’m growing apart from the friends I love dearly. It’s not because we’re not friends anymore. We are just growing up. We have big girl jobs. We have our own lives with our significant other. Some of us are starting a family. It’s hard to find time to spend time together.

Because life has taken us separate ways, I’ve been so nostalgic and I feel like there is something missing for me. Something that will make me feel alive, and make me feel like I’m having the best time of my life. That’s what 2012-2015 were like for me. So carefree and feeling so alive. Time is just going by too fast.

[inablink-ofaneye]

I hate you for turning my life upside down.

[danielxdaniel-deactivated201701]

You know when you clean your face really well and exfoliate and stuff and your face feels ten pounds lighter and clean and kind of raw, that’s how I want my heart to feel

[theloversanddriftersclub]

[inablink-ofaneye]

You broke me.

I sit here and stare at the empty playground. The playground where I once came to play at more than I can count; where I had no worries in the world. A time in my life where I didn’t know what heartache would feel like, and the damage it does to you.

As I stare at this playground, I try to remember the kid I used to be. Running and playing freely. A kid that was probably happy because she didn’t know what hurt truly felt like.

All the hurt I felt in high school, doesn’t compare to what I feel in this exact moment. Here I am today, almost 23 years old. Feeling heartbroken more than ever. I told myself I never wanted to feel like this, and that I wasn’t going to put myself in this position again.

But you. You came along and broke down every wall I had put up to protect my heart. I think I had known at the time that you were probably going to be trouble. But I just couldn’t stay away. Your charm. Your persistence. Your touch. Your voice. Your precious face. It just made me melt and fall in love with you so fast and so hard. So for you to just say, “Why can’t you accept this?” is something easier said than done. For you to just blow everything like that in my face and leave this relationship, was so hurtful, that I really don’t think you understand. You say you do, but you have no idea.

So now, I am back to where I was four years ago. Putting my shattered pieces of my heart back together. You want to act selfish and say that this hurts you as much as it does me. But I hope you know how much you really broke me. Can you accept that?

[inablink-ofaneye]

I'm still in disbelief.

How did we get here? How did we both let this happen. I know you were my first, but I always saw a future with you from the first moments of our relationship. I said some things. I did some things. But it was never intentionally to hurt you. I love you more than you will ever know honestly. I am so sorry I couldn't really show you. I guess I should have just put in more effort. But I was so comfortable with you, I guess I thought things didn't matter. I'm going to miss watching you in your happy moments. When you're hysterically laughing to the point where you can't breathe. When you get excited over something so little. I'm going to miss admiring your precious face when you're asleep. I'm gonna miss your presence. I'm gonna miss you. I'm so sorry things ended up this way. I love you, and I probably always will.

[inablink-ofaneye]

[wreck]

[inablink-ofaneye]

Why are you with me?

It's difficult to pretend that you playing with my feelings, is okay. How do you go from telling me all the time that when you propose to me, you want it to be special; to telling me you don't want to get married. How are you not thinking of our future, especially when we got a house together? You don't even realize how much your words hurt me. How is that you were thinking of "a future" with your ex-girlfriends but not me? Our relationship is so much more than what you've had in the past and it kills me that you don't think of us like that. I'm not expecting anything now, but I do need reassurance that you want this for the long run. I can't even talk to you about it because you don't try to understand me. You don't try to comprehend my feelings about you and me. "It's just a piece of paper, it doesn't mean anything." It means so much more than you realize. I may not be as affectionate as most girls would be, but I love you so much that you are the one I want to spend my life with. You are the one I want to create lifelong memories with. You are the one I want to accomplish milestones with. You are just the one. I don't understand why you don't view our life like that. You just see it as a piece of paper, and this doesn't mean anything to you.

[inablink-ofaneye]

So frustrated with life.

Why can't I be making more money with a job that I love? Why is it that I can be making more money with a job that I don't like? Why do I feel like I have to work two jobs in order to keep up with my bills? Why can't I pass the TEAS exam to get into a nursing program? Why does that certain exam have to determine my eligibility to be accepted for nursing school? Why is it I keep giving people more chances than they deserve? Why do people have to be so cruel, and for what? Why does it have to be high school drama infested at my work? I'm so tired of all this negativity in my life, and I just want something good to happen. I just want to feel like I'm doing something right. But it's not happening that way, and no matter how much I stay positive, all of this just really brings me down.

[fluorescent]

[retropicool]

[cxrvisvbel]

My friend asked me how I got over him. I tell you my friend, I don’t know. I don’t know how I stopped missing him. I suppose it became easier when we stopped talking to each other everyday. It became easier when everything just stopped.

I feel numb from all of this (via cxrvisvbel)

[envyavenue]

Over Manhattan Bridge by Blunt Break.

[flvke-deactivated20201213]

[midwinter-dream]