Life is making me so flipping anxious right now
idk where to even start.. Started going to a community college (which going back to school after SFUAD never gone well for me, that school has fucked me up on psychological levels). so far I’m actually doing well. English is the easiest it’s ever been; my history class reminds me of why I actually loved history in my childhood (so naturally I’m doing well- although unlike traditional teachers,instead of having one big old midterm and final, I have two mid terms and a paper for a final). I have the first midterm next Monday and I’m slightly not great in the feelings department about it. I’m 85% sure I’ll do well with my online cultural anthrop class, and 85% sure I will barely get by in the freshman-1st exp class (due to not taking the teacher's bullshit and basically fighting with her all the time).
We’re reading the memoir the “Glass Castle” in english and it’s fucking me up. My parents have never been neglectful like Jeannette Walls’ were, but god so much of this fucking book hits me on a personal level. My journal entries are literally 10 page papers (which thankfully, my teacher is eating up), but it’s definitely hitting personal cords.
Started working fulltime, night shifts at a decent paying job (woot- like a good 13 an hour). I got a pt job at the college too through work study, but the guy wants me working on the same days I have 10 hour all night shifts and I just can’t with tht shit.
But I feel like I shouldn’t quit it bc my dearest aunt is already telling what expenses she’s going to have me pay for her and I’m freaking out. I can help a little with rent and pay gs money for taking me places, but I’m not okay with her having me pay for groceries when I am not even allowed to eat without her say so in the house. I want out.
Then back in AZ, idk if I have vented about went they fired my dad over bullsht and my mom’s juvinile detention center was illegally closed by local gov’t? But that hppened. Now every year, someone of the community (we haven’t a clue who- but even then my parents have chosen to pretend they’re “accidents”) burns down one of the shelters houses we’ve tried building so that we could stop living in a truck. This town is racist as shit. And my dear old mom plans on suing for the illegal closure, black balling the deprtment and dismissal of the department. I’m like “Well that shit ain’t going to end well”
If you have ever lived in small town american (out side of the east coast), and you’re not white- you’ll more likely to be aware of the fact that in these small ass communities most of the time, even if you don’t like each other- all black families know each other and have a degree of communication that we don’t with others in the community. In our town there are exactly 7. Darryl the man who went through Vietnam, took pictures of MLKjr and of the civil rights marches and made Hollywood props and his family; The Reveran, a man who is also a vet, a baptist rev (lthou unaffliated with any churches in the area) who runs a home for disabled adults in the town; Jim the rancher who totally avoids the town and it’s inhabitants, only coming around to socialize with the previous two and us; The family that actually doesn’t live in town bc of the racist bull shit but their son works there, aside from him working the store we never seen them alone- always in a group of family. Talking to them is kinda awesome, they’re all either finishing college degrees or pushing the younger ppl in their family to go to college. Then there the angry woman we all collective dislike but since we get why she’s the way she is and are pretty much her only allies in town, we talk to her and help her out from time to time. There’s the new family that moved in a gate after us- also a vet (but much more younger), who is slowly realizing that this is some bullshit and because it is a mixed family so far althou he’s had a few incidents, his wife has had nearly none in contrast. Then there’s us.
Back to that angry lady- if she doesn’t know you, she tends to be very standoffish and rude. When I worked at the grocery store, I first met her as a customer. She cussed me out and told me to get out of town if I knew what was good for me. Back then I was like “well fuck you too..” now... I get it....
She’s vocal, she’s loud and to be frank- stands her fucking ground. So hearing that gang of white men stopped by her house to beat her and her 12 year old son in this white supporting town isn’t a shock but it’s absolutely devastating nonetheless. Then to top off the situation, after going to have her eyeball reattached to her face (yeah- when I say they beat her, I mean it, they fucked her up- not with the intention of death but with the intention of harm and fear), she reported the incident as a normal person would.
Just a reminder that she’s reporting this to the SAME police department that two years ago arrested two men off the 40 highway bc for black men, their car was a bit “too nice”. Same police department that proceed to steal more then 40grand from these men and then released them separately, so the second one got stuck and ended up being killed trying to catch a greyhound back to NY in the next county over by their police department under bs suspicious of looking suspisious (he was fucking scared, I met him I can tell you it was written all over his face, he was stressed, upset and stuck in a state he didn’t even live in and had never gone to. I told the women (the white women) giving him a lift to the greyhound station that they should take him to the one in Gllup (a city with a high native population, a higher the average black population- althou most black family are native black, so even then it’s a really freaking native populated city). But they said they had never and I fucking quote “had a problem with Holbrooke’s station. What could go wrong for him. The police are nicer there”). Back to my original point- same group of people associated with this get a report that a black woman and her child was beaten IN HER HOME by a gang of white men. I’ll save you the suspense and out right tell you BULLSHIT HAPPENS. Even though they did a toxscreen at the hospital when she and her son were admitted and her house thoroughly sweept and examined by police- they’re official report was that it was “just” a drug deal gone bad and LITERALLY NOT THEIR FUCKING PROBLEM. I’m holding my breath for this woman bc she’s lawyered up and going after them and all the way from the east coast I can feel the police department getting ready to be dirty.
They and the local gov’t have a history of playing dirty. Threatening people and their families. This all rounds back to what my mom is attempting. Her and her former boss are working seperately but having private meeting and discussing about going about suing them. Her boss has lawyered up and filed- this has resulted in the county threatening (TO HER FACE) her family. She’s evacuated her fmily from the twon, now it’s her and her husband. Seeing that and how we’re already a sideline target for the local community racist, my mom is sending my brother away. She plans on filing in the next 2 months and after seeing what happened to her old boss, she’s not taking the chances. She said if it were me here, she’d let me sty simply bc I’m “the balliest person in our family. You don’t have an issue standing your ground and fighting, even physically. But you’re brother? He is bigger than you, but also nicer. He still thinks that when bad people do bad things, they go to trial and are sure to be in jail. I know you know better, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t see malice and ppl here know that. They fuck with him and I will literally kill.” So he’s being sent up here to my sister’s house. He’s anxious and scared about it, but I think he’s also relived. No more cold nights in the truck, no more shitting in the desert. Heat, running water, electricity and a hot meal daily. It’s the very first building block to the pyramid of needs and when you’ve gone a few years without, it’s damn heavenly to fulfill it.
So all this shit is making me stressed and anxious at nuclear levels. I’m a travelling wiz, so I’ve been asked to locate tickets and coordinate (by means of instruction) how to and what to pack and the route. For what ever reason no one in my family has the patience to really dig for flight fares and figure out how to manipulate the search of these things to cut prices.
I just RREEAAALLLLLYYYY needed to vent bout this craziness in my life. I’m working on my birthday (on the 9th) this year, so naturally it’s the one year everyone wants to celebrate it (go freakin figure). But whatevs I need the cash flow right now. I am still contemplating weather or not to take Halloween off and celebrate (since I will not have thanksgiving or Christmas and it’s my favorite holiday anyway). I plan on being Amethyst for Halloween :3 . I am going to thrift store the hell out of that lol. Thinking of buying white or gray iron on patches, cuting them into star shapes and ironing them onto a pair of black (thick bc I don’t mess with the cold) leggings. Still taking ideas on how to with this tho.
Also!! I’ve been looking (on campus)n for a teacher to be an advisor with my taino club. I have the approval of the president of the UCTP and even had a private conversation about it with cacique of the Jatibonicu tribe about it. They all think it’s a great idea and way to get more involvement from youth. All offered to help. Which natually I’m excited but also SUPER timid about asking for.
I have anthrop work to be working on, so that’s it on me.
