Inbox of Woe

Welcome to INBOX OF WOE. These are messages I get on dating sites. They are the worst. Get ready to be super uncomfortable and lose your faith in humanity!

[inboxofwoe]

Shitty Openers: Nature GIF Edition

[inboxofwoe]

*tosses all okcupid messages into nearest forest*

[inboxofwoe]

Shitty Openers: Nature Edition continues!

You might be tempted to give this guy creativity points (even if, like me, you abhor the message) but hold your breath! This is a cut & paster. I’ve seen the line on “OkCupid opener ideas!1!!” lists, and more than one friend has received it word for word. From different guys.

Yaaaaay.

[inboxofwoe]

I’ve started turning my bad messages into ~art~ because what else can I do?

I present to you...

Shitty Openers: Nature Edition!

[inboxofwoe]

No, but I do believe you are wearing a fucking fedora, m’lady.

[inboxofwoe]

TAKE A GUESS, FUCKO

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Hey, I’m back!!!!!!! IT ME!!!!!

SO... I have new filing cabinets full of these bad boys, but thought I’d kickoff my return by sharing some my favorite un-posted gems. Here’s Casual Hawaii. He has a plane to catch.

[inboxofwoe]

I bet you are, buddy. I bet you’re very curious about it. Well today’s your lucky day! I’m going to tell you my secret... I’m SUPER pervert ;)

[inboxofwoe]

And for a change of pace, here’s how I deal with stupid questions on Tinder.

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Usually it just *feels* like a robot is behind all these shitty messages, but this time I’m pretty sure it actually was a robot. A really shitty robot.

[inboxofwoe]

...what?

(Yes. But only if I can call you Ask Jeeves, and we never have to go on a date.)

[inboxofwoe]

You Are Not 20 And Even If You Are 20 This Is Still Not Okay

a poem by Inbox Of Woe

euuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh eeeeee oyyyyy urghhhh 

brb crawling out of my skin

this seems on the innocuous side of the creepy spectrum but like

i’ll take a stress ball, thank you

they have them at the office

you are a child

how did you get past the firewall your parents set up on the family computer in the living room to send me this message

[inboxofwoe]

-_-_->> JET FUEL CAN’T MELT STEEL OKCUPID MESSAGES. <<-_-_-

[inboxofwoe]

NO I DOUGHN’T!!! 

~*~*I’m a strong independent pizza who don’t need no man.*~*~

P.S. Bro, you’re 30. You’re too old for this shit. Allllll of this shit. You can’t undo that airbrush-stencil-bar-mitzvah-lookin-ass tattoo, but you can put on a shirt and use your big boy words. 

[inboxofwoe]

THIS ONE IS FUCKING NUTS. 

Instead of the usual “that escalated quickly!” this is more of a “that started benign, then got a little repetitive and slightly desperate but kind of endearing, then escalated out of nowhere 3 months later into a bizarre multi-chapter pseudo-poetic daydream.”

[inboxofwoe]

And for our first Inbox of Woe twofer: guys asking me if they are attractive. Or, “attravtive.” 

It’s messages like these that really make you wonder “Why do I expect anything good anymore? Why do I have a shred of hope for my inbox?” 

There is no hope. There are only men asking if they are “physically hot at all.”

[inboxofwoe]

But *I* wanted the house on Mars! I hate cleaning up dragon shits.