Wannabe Mama

32 yo female. TTC since November 2017. 5 IUIs. FET 9/27/21. BFP 10/6/21.

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TRIGGER WARNING: baby, motherhood.

I haven’t updated this since my first trimester of pregnancy, and now I have a 10 month old. A literal perfect angel child.

All I wanted to say this infertility awareness week, is that it was worth it. It was all so, so worth it. And I would do it all again. ❤️

Hang in there, infertility goddesses. You can do it, whatever it looks like for you.

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Watched my husband cry happy tears today when we saw an itty bitty heartbeat on ultrasound. So excited to meet this tiny peanut. Holy mackerel, it’s real now! 🥰🥰🥰

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Everything makes me want to 🤮.

I’m tired 24/7.

And cramping galore (no bleeding, no worries).

But it’s all so worth it. So beyond worth it.

(But also leave me your favorite tips and tricks for 1st trimester suckiness, thank youuuu).

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Okay, also… This is what’s growing inside of me, and my mind is just … 🤯 BLOWN.

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Honestly the last two weeks have felt like two years, likely due to how fatigued my brain has been, along with the slew of other obstacles we’ve faced so far. 😬

Right after we told our family and friends, my husband tested COVID positive, so that was a whirlwind of a week. He’s just finally starting to feel better, but I stayed the (bleep) away from him the second he got the results back. Poor guy was super sick, even though he’s been vaxxed x2. So I highly suggest (and always did, but even more so now) that you vaccinate if you’ve been waiting on it, cuz I guarantee he would have been in the ED on a vent had he not been vaxxed. ANYWAYYY, I tested negative four times so me and little peanut are just fine.

THEN, on Monday, while I was home doing dishes, I fainted in my kitchen. That was incredibly scary. I started getting that feeling I was going down; that blurred vision, hearing starts to get muffled, sweat starts pouring, etc. clearly, if you can’t tell, I’ve fainted before, so I knew it was coming. But luckily, my husband was home and in the kitchen with me, so I summoned him over to help. He threw a chair behind me and gave me a cup of water, but I don’t really recall the rest. I just remember waking up to him cradling my head, and holding me upright in the chair, while on the phone with 911. So scary. My husband has a pretty level head due to his extensive trauma EMS career, but I could tell he was freaking out internally.

I got checked out in the hospital and all is well, I was likely super dehydrated and I have a pretty sensitive vasovagal response (which I already knew). I also showed some orthostatic hypotension, which basically just means my blood pressure drops when I change positions from bending or sitting to standing. Luckily was discharged after receiving a liter of IV fluid and a great looking ultrasound!

Honestly, the amount of water I’ve been drinking is absurd, but I definitely feel better! I find I get a little light-headed from time to time, but I just need to get off my feet and rest when that happens. I’m trying to LIGHTLY work out, just to keep myself healthy, but that’s been hard too considering how fatigued I am literally all the time. 😬

I hate to complain, especially after how badly we have tried for this for so long, but truly pregnancy has not been enjoyable so far lol. It’s not like I hate being pregnant, I’m still very excited to be pregnant, it has just been rough on my body. But I’m happy and healthy, even though I feel awful most days.

Also, Dramamine ginger chews are a game changer. 10/10 recommend.

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*This post may be triggering. Please enter with caution.

My hCG level was 393. THIS BI*#H IS PREGNANT!!! 4 years of trying has lead to this day. IVF is an amazing thing, and I’m incredibly blessed to have had it as an option.

We are officially 4 weeks and 2 days. Currently at the doctor for a repeat hCG to make sure all is trending up accordingly. More information to come, and of course I’ll keep updating as we go.

Wanted to say one thing though: Celebrate all of the milestones. Some of our closest friends were wondering if we’d share our news now, or wait until “it’s safe.” Honestly, I feel like waiting promotes suffering in silence. Who knows if this pregnancy will last, nothing is written in stone. But this is the farthest we’ve ever come, the closest we’ve been to starting a family. Having a positive pregnancy test is something we’ve never been able to achieve. That, alone, is a VICTORY. Be proud of it, and celebrate it! I choose to share, and not be silent, for all the mamas who have suffered silently before me.

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Wow. Okay, so I owe you all the story of our journey so far!!

So if you’ve been keeping up with my blog, you’ll remember that our fresh cycle was cancelled due to hyperstimulation. Sucky. Then, our first frozen embryo transfer was cancelled due to my lining being too thin. Which I should have expected, given I’ve had that problem A LOT in the past.

So what do we do? Wait. We waited until I had another cycle so we could try again. And I can’t remember the exact amount of days we waited, but it was somewhere around 39 days. My period finally came, so I called the office to schedule my baseline, and lo and behold, a 27 mm cyst was present on ultrasound. I mean come on, can my luck get any worse?! It truly just was not in the cards for us.

I’m not sure if I actually had my period that cycle, because I ended up getting another period only like a week later. In addition, my hormone levels were all wonky on that baseline that had the cyst. Super weird, and very hard to track, so when I started bleeding again a week later, my doctor brought me back in for another ultrasound and labs. They called me to let me know this looked more typical for a day 2 ultrasound/labs, so we should go ahead and start meds in preparation for a frozen embryo transfer.

We stuck with oral estrace this time around, since the patches didn’t seem to work for me. I was increased to three times a day, so 6 mg per day, and luckily my lining looked the best it’s been! Lining check was 7.45 mm! We were ecstatic. This meant we were cleared for transfer, and it was the first time we wouldn’t be cancelled. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

We transferred 9/27 and go for our bloodwork TOMORROW to check hcg levels!!! The fact that we have made it this far is a miracle in and of itself, so we are celebrating it as a small victory. We are truly feeling blessed to even be here, and are so hopeful for a BFP tomorrow. Fingers crossed for all the sticky vibes!

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Considering our transfer day was to have been 8/3, my two week wait would have been over by now. We could have been celebrating a BFP right now. Or mourning an unsuccessful transfer.

Either way, I hate that we’re still waiting. Cycle day 36. Day 10 of medroxyprogesterone. 👎🏼

[onedaymommy]

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I’m sure you probably could’ve guessed this by now since I haven’t posted in a few weeks, but our first FET (frozen embryo transfer) had to be cancelled this week.

Honestly, I’m too emotional to even put into words what we’ve been through so far, so I’ll come back to the blog and give a broad spectrum update once I’m feeling up to it. My head just isn’t in a great space to deliver educational, helpful messages, and that’s pretty much why I started keeping this blog in the first place.

So for now, just know this sucks, and infertility is a bitch. And I’m convinced there was a hex cast upon me in a past life, or in this life. And I’m not sure what I did to deserve all this, but I’d give anything to make it different for us.

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Cycle day 2, and I’m bleeding like a stuck pig. (Sorry 😬) Wondering if that’s from my retrieval? Super crampy too…. Anyways, started my estrogen patches today. 2 patches a day, changing every other day. I’ll start progesterone on day 15 I think, pending all labs and lining look normal. More info on the meds to come. Too tired right now lol.

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Really helpful factual information!

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This will be a long one!

Alrighty friends. My initial plan was to update the blog as we were going through the process of IVF. Truthfully, there is simply NO time for that along the way! Allow me to explain...

This is our first cycle with IVF, and I didn’t know what to expect prior to starting, but let me tell you I was just blown away by how much work goes into this process. I just assumed it would be similar to the process of IUI’s, with having a day 2 baseline sonogram and then meds for 5 days, and then your day 12 sonogram to check your lining, trigger, etc... BOY WAS I WRONG.

Honestly, so many people said the same thing to me: they had no idea what to expect with IVF so I’m just going to lay it all out on the table and be as descript as possible. Hopefully this will help some people understand the process a little better and therefore know what they’re getting involved in. :)

So cycle day 1 came pretty early for me, or at least I felt it was early. I called my RE and they had me come in for my baseline ultrasound on cycle day 2. On this baseline sonogram, the team is essentially looking to see how your uterus and ovaries look prior to starting. Are there any cysts? Growths? Areas for concern? Etc. They also draw baseline labs (estrodiol level) at this appointment. After the doctor reads the results of the sonogram and labwork, they’ll give you a call to give you instructions on dosing for your medications, which typically start that night. Note to self: definitely stay by the phone that day, these instructions are important and so is the timing of medication! Not a phone call you want to miss.

The medications that were started for me were Gonal-F and Menopur. Both of these are subcutaneous injections that are administered every 24 hours. Gonal-F is a follicle stimulant (follitropin alfa). You got it: it causes the eggs in the ovaries to develop at a faster pace than usual, and basically kicks your body into overdrive on egg production for ovulation. Menopur is also a follicle stimulant, but it contains luteinizing hormone (LH) in addition to follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH). These are typically used in combination for fertility treatment.

I injected these bad boys every night at 6 PM, and oh wowzers the SIDE EFFECTS. Honey. I don't even know how to describe what I was feeling during this time. I imagine it's what menopause must feel like. I had the worst hot flashes--to the point that I felt like I was going to faint--, vertigo and dizzy spells, nausea (likely from the dizzy spells), and headaches. I didn't notice it at first, but I also bloated like crazy. I stepped on the scale the morning of my retrieval and I was literally shocked at the number I saw.

I will say, injecting yourself is a weird phenomenon. It doesn't hurt, at all. I mean that needle is so dang tiny you can barely see it lol, but there's something that just makes you hesitate every time you go to stick yourself. That may or may not have had to do with the Menopur burning like a ~BIOTCH~ upon injection. Oooof, the burn is definitely noticeable. It goes away relatively quickly, but I did take my fertility sister's advice and use cold packs she sent me. That helped right away. It's also a large volume of diluent, so it's not a super comfotable injection. The Gonal-F I never felt and it's also super small. The Menopur was 2 mL of fluid. NOPE.

Around day 6 (I believe), I was instructed to add on another injection: cetrotide. This medication is brought on board to basically prevent premature egg release or early ovulation. Because IVF has to be timed just right, all of the timing on this has to be absolutely controlled. This is why it's so important that you're seen in the office for labs and follow up sonograms every 1 to 2 days. Your team needs to evaluate your results and make sure nothing needs titration.

My estrogen was climbing pretty quickly. My baseline was 69, by the time I was told to trigger it had already reached 3,000!! That number really scared me so I looked it up to be sure that was acceptable, and apparently it is, but it had me shaking in my boots. I have not only read so much about OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome), but my friend went through it and it is definitely scary! OHSS is actually most common in younger women, those who suffer from PCOS, have rapidly rising estradiol levels, a large number of follicles and/or large sized-follicles, and also have a high AMH. Side effects to look out for with OHSS include rapid weight gain, excess bloating, urine retention or a significant decrease in your urination frequency, nausea/vomiting and shortness of breath. OHSS can actualy cause you to throw clots, so PLEASE pay attention to these side effects. It's extremely rare, but it can be fatal.

Anyways, my follicles were growing FAST and LARGE. Which you would think is good, but looking back, I think it was a sign that I was at risk for OHSS. I only did about 5 days of the cetrotide before my office called me and told me I was ready to trigger. I had a lot of follicles on both sides that were greater than 17 mm, and I was only on day 10 of medications! I was instructed to take my trigger shot that night (Ovidrel, which is another injection), and then 36 hours later, BAM, we were suiting up for egg retrieval!

The egg retrieval is quick, but can cause a lot of painful cramping, so you're completely anesthetized for it. Trust me: it's the best nap of your life! You care team uses a long needle/catheter to access the ovaries, and this is how they "retrieve" the eggs. The catheter is inserted vaginally, it's not through the abdomen. A few people had asked me that so wanted to make sure that was understood!

After my procedure, my RE came to my recovery room to tell me they retrieved 32 EGGS, which is CRAZY. (ya think I was hyper-stimulating...?) They did give me a warning that most patients lose approximately 50% of their egg count, but it was still an excellent number to start with. Some people are lucky if they get 10 eggs initially, so I was feeling ultra blessed to come out with 32. An angel or two was certainly looking out for us...

The embryologists call you on days 2, 4 and 6 to give you updates on how your eggs are progressing. I think by day 4 they typically want to see the embryo's reach a 4-cell count (meaning they're dividing appropriately), and by day 5 or 6 they should be blastocysts, which is once the embryo has formed separate cell structures and a fluid cavity. According to the literature, only 20 to 30 percent of embryos become blastocysts, and they also have a higher implantation rate.

My final embryo counts were as follows: of the 32 eggs retrieved, 26 were mature enough to fertilize. 22 of those 26 were successfully fertilized. Of the 22 fertilized, 14 became blastocysts and are currently cryopreserving!!!

Because I was borderline hyperstimulating, it was recommended we wait until next menstrual cycle to do a frozen embryo transfer. So, we'll be calling the office again on my next "cycle day 1" aka the start of a period, but this time we won't need those crazy injectables! Those are only utilized to assist with egg production and retrieval.

This is one heck of an update, and I feel like I just went on lots of tangents throughout, but I really wanted to be as specific as possible for people who have lots of questions! I'm an open book, so if there's anything I wasn't clear on, feel free to ask. Otherwise, be on the lookout for an update in a few short weeks! **crosses fingers and toes**

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I’ve never been so excited to get my period. 😂

HERE WE GO, BABY!!!! Let’s do this. 🤞🏼

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Loving all this diversity and inclusivity in this advertisement. Yay, Duke!! 👏🏼 🥰

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I’m baaackkkk.

We’ve taken a long break from our fertility journey. Initially, we were just taking some time to decompress after 5 failed IUI’s, and were hopeful to start again in March of 2020.

Who could have guessed there would be a global pandemic that would halt our efforts and make the wait even longer?

Our RE team stopped new cycles all-together, so there was literally no chance of starting any new treatments amidst the pandemic. We had no choice but to wait it out. Honestly though, even when the office started re-opening to new cycles again months later, I was hesitant. I didn’t want to take the chance that I could become pregnant and possibly get exposed to this virus. There were (and still are) so many unknowns surrounding COVID and pregnancy. What would I do if I fell ill with COVID? Lost the pregnancy? After everything... We decided to wait until we felt ready.

In January of this year, COVID was starting to feel like it was finally manageable. I was fully vaccinated (thank you, Duke!) and far more comfortable with the notion that should I become pregnant, I had antibodies to fight my hardest. I went back to my clinic for routine labs since it had been so long and another procedure called a hysteroscopy. It’s a procedure where the doctors insert a camera into your uterus to check for abnormal findings--polyps, fibroids, scar tissue, endometriosis, etc. If you’ve ever had a colonoscopy, it’s essentially the same thing, just obviously a different organ. :) A hysteroscopy can cause a pretty heavy amount of cramping, so I was sedated for it. I had never been sedated before, and therefore pretty terrified. What if I don’t wake up? What if I have an allergic reaction? I swear, being a nurse has actually made me more anxious. Never in my life was I this much of a nervous Nelly. Anyway, don’t be nervous, because I truly don’t remember a thing. It felt like as soon as the anesthesiologist told me he was pushing my meds, I woke up in my recovery room. Literally like the blink of an eye. Why I was so nervous, I have no idea... Smooth sailing for my hysteroscopy; all is well in my uterus. Surprise, surprise!

We had a trip to Jamaica booked in March, and unfortunately that delayed us even more. Due to COVID? No, due to Zika virus. Seriously, what next?! LOL We were advised to wait three months post international travel, and here we are. Ready to tackle our next challenge: IVF.

Consents are signed, tough decisions have been made (who knew you had to think about what to do with your embryo’s should you die or divorce?!), and meds are in the fridge. Blog post to come on what to expect with medications, because oof, it is a lot.

Stay tuned for all the juicy details of our IVF journey!