Incorrect Arcana Quotes

Things that absolutely positively were said in The Arcana, exactly like this.

[incorrect-arcana]

Apprentice: Do you want my help or not?

Muriel: No!

Apprentice: Too late.

[incorrect-arcana]

Asra: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.

Portia: What if it bites me and it dies?

Morga: Then that means you’re poisonous. Good God, learn to listen!

Nadia: What if it bites itself and I die?

Mazelinka: That’s voodoo.

Julian: What if it bites me and someone else dies?

Nazali: That’s correlation, not causation.

The Apprentice: That if we bite each other and neither of us dies?

Lucio: That’s kinky.

Muriel: Oh my god, you guys.

[incorrect-arcana]

You're important to me, you piece of shit.

Asra, to Julian

[incorrect-arcana]

Portia: Anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins

Muriel: Unrealistic

Julian: Can’t relate

Lucio: Why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins??

[incorrect-arcana]

Lucio: Hey, Apprentice, soulmate, let me buy you a beer!

Apprentice: Okay! But I’m not your soulmate, I’m really more of a chum.

Lucio: What about you, Valerius?

Valerius: I’m a crony.

Lucio: Julian?

Julian: I’d say acquaintance.

Nadia: Colleague.

Portia: Sympathizer.

Asra: I’m a well-wisher. In that I don’t wish you any specific harm.

[incorrect-arcana]

The Apprentice:  I need all of you to be straight with me.

Julian: [looking at the others] That’s going to be extremely hard for everyone here.

[incorrect-arcana]

My life is more difficult than anyone else’s on the planet, and yes I’m including starving children so don’t ask.

Lucio

[incorrect-arcana]

[standing around the broken coffeemaker]

Morga: So. Who broke it? I’m not mad. I just want to know.

The Apprentice: I did. I broke it…

Morga: No. No, you didn’t. Asra?

Asra: Don’t look at me. Look at Portia.

Portia: What?! I didn’t break it.

Asra: Huh. That’s weird. How did you even know it was broken?

Portia: Because it’s sitting right in front of us and it’s broken!

Asra: Suspicious.

Portia: No it’s not!

Nadia: If it matters, probably not, Lucio was the last one to use it.

Lucio: Liar! I don’t even drink that crap!

Nadia: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Lucio: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Nadia!

The Apprentice: Alright, let’s not fight. I broke it. Let me fix it, Morga.

Morga: No. Who broke it?

Julian: [whispering] Morga, Muriel’s been awfully quiet…

Muriel: Really?!

Julian: Yeah, really!

[chaos ensues]

Morga: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now, they’ll be at each other’s throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

[incorrect-arcana]

Julian: I wasn’t injured. I was lightly hanged.

Portia: I’m sorry, you were hanged?!

Julian: Lightly hanged.

[incorrect-arcana]

Let’s not dwell on our corpse-strewn past. Let’s celebrate our corpse-strewn future!

Vulgora

[incorrect-arcana]

Asra: Look, Lucio, I know we haven’t gotten along very well in the past.

Lucio: …and?

Asra: That’s it. Your turn.

[incorrect-arcana]

Julian: Can the sarcasm.

Asra: Please. I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.

[incorrect-arcana]

Lucio: Julian said that I was perfectly fine. Except for three cracked ribs. And a broken toe. Which was right next to two other broken toes.

The Apprentice: Did he clear you or not?

Lucio: He did not. Alright, let’s get to work.

[incorrect-arcana]

Portia: Bad news—Nadia locked her keys inside the Palace.

Portia: Good news—We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.

Portia: Bad news—Nadia finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress hot people.

Portia: Good news—a hot person saw me do it.

Portia: Bad news—It was Nadia, and since she’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, she’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. She knows.

[incorrect-arcana]

Lucio: It’s illegal to look better than me.

Asra: Well, shit guys, it looks like we’re all going to jail.

[incorrect-arcana]

The Apprentice: What are we gonna do?

Volta: I don’t know. Maybe pizza?

The Apprentice:

Volta:

The Apprentice: About Count Lucio, Volta.

[incorrect-arcana]

Lucio: How many times do I have to apologize for that?

Asra: Once would be nice!

Lucio: …no.