Apprentice: Do you want my help or not?
Muriel: No!
Apprentice: Too late.
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@incorrect-arcana
Apprentice: Do you want my help or not?
Muriel: No!
Apprentice: Too late.
Asra: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.
Portia: What if it bites me and it dies?
Morga: Then that means you’re poisonous. Good God, learn to listen!
Nadia: What if it bites itself and I die?
Mazelinka: That’s voodoo.
Julian: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Nazali: That’s correlation, not causation.
The Apprentice: That if we bite each other and neither of us dies?
Lucio: That’s kinky.
Muriel: Oh my god, you guys.
You're important to me, you piece of shit.
Asra, to Julian
Portia: Anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins
Muriel: Unrealistic
Julian: Can’t relate
Lucio: Why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins??
Lucio: Hey, Apprentice, soulmate, let me buy you a beer!
Apprentice: Okay! But I’m not your soulmate, I’m really more of a chum.
Lucio: What about you, Valerius?
Valerius: I’m a crony.
Lucio: Julian?
Julian: I’d say acquaintance.
Nadia: Colleague.
Portia: Sympathizer.
Asra: I’m a well-wisher. In that I don’t wish you any specific harm.
The Apprentice: I need all of you to be straight with me.
Julian: [looking at the others] That’s going to be extremely hard for everyone here.
My life is more difficult than anyone else’s on the planet, and yes I’m including starving children so don’t ask.
Lucio
[standing around the broken coffeemaker]
Morga: So. Who broke it? I’m not mad. I just want to know.
The Apprentice: I did. I broke it…
Morga: No. No, you didn’t. Asra?
Asra: Don’t look at me. Look at Portia.
Portia: What?! I didn’t break it.
Asra: Huh. That’s weird. How did you even know it was broken?
Portia: Because it’s sitting right in front of us and it’s broken!
Asra: Suspicious.
Portia: No it’s not!
Nadia: If it matters, probably not, Lucio was the last one to use it.
Lucio: Liar! I don’t even drink that crap!
Nadia: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Lucio: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Nadia!
The Apprentice: Alright, let’s not fight. I broke it. Let me fix it, Morga.
Morga: No. Who broke it?
Julian: [whispering] Morga, Muriel’s been awfully quiet…
Muriel: Really?!
Julian: Yeah, really!
[chaos ensues]
Morga: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now, they’ll be at each other’s throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
Julian: I wasn’t injured. I was lightly hanged.
Portia: I’m sorry, you were hanged?!
Julian: Lightly hanged.
Let’s not dwell on our corpse-strewn past. Let’s celebrate our corpse-strewn future!
Vulgora
Asra: Look, Lucio, I know we haven’t gotten along very well in the past.
Lucio: …and?
Asra: That’s it. Your turn.
Julian: Can the sarcasm.
Asra: Please. I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.
Lucio: Julian said that I was perfectly fine. Except for three cracked ribs. And a broken toe. Which was right next to two other broken toes.
The Apprentice: Did he clear you or not?
Lucio: He did not. Alright, let’s get to work.
Portia: Bad news—Nadia locked her keys inside the Palace.
Portia: Good news—We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.
Portia: Bad news—Nadia finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress hot people.
Portia: Good news—a hot person saw me do it.
Portia: Bad news—It was Nadia, and since she’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, she’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. She knows.
Lucio: It’s illegal to look better than me.
Asra: Well, shit guys, it looks like we’re all going to jail.
The Apprentice: What are we gonna do?
Volta: I don’t know. Maybe pizza?
The Apprentice:
Volta:
The Apprentice: About Count Lucio, Volta.
Lucio: How many times do I have to apologize for that?
Asra: Once would be nice!
Lucio: …no.