Local Comteologist/ikevampedia throwing memes and rants at y’all thirsties (Masterlist here: https://incorrect-ikevamp-quotes.tumblr.com/post/636928265526935552/masterlist-time)
Hey everybody! Been a bit of a hectic month, but you know the hype never stops for Comte in this house. I've translated the first parts of this story, with more to come as soon as I complete the rest.
Without further ado, jpnese story event spoilers below:
One day, at the beginning of October, just as the signs of autumn were beginning to deepen--
I was enjoying tea time with Comte under the pavilion of the mansion.
MC: There’s no mistaking it, clear skies and the sun high in the sky…it’s nearly autumn.
Comte: Yes. It’s pure bliss to be able to have tea time outside on such a pleasant and sunny day.
Comte, who was sitting across from me, suddenly frowns at the oncoming breeze.
Comte: But the wind is a little chilly. Are you cold, MC?
MC: No, I don’t mind it…[sneeze sfx]
(! What a moment for me to sneeze of all times…)
Comte: …
MC: I-I’m sorry. But really, I’m okay.
He suddenly smiled and stood up as I anxiously tried to reassure him.
Comte: --Don’t push yourself too hard.
Comte, who moved to sit next to me, unfolded his coat and hugged me from behind to wrap me up in his warmth.
MC: Th-thank you very much
Comte: You’re welcome
(It’s warm…)
While I’m ticklishly happy and delighted, Comte spoke as if he had remembered something.
Literally????? That's so cute. No notes that is the sweetest thing I've ever witnessed. It's hilarious because as I was reading I was so 👀 why don't you warm her up, then, Comte. And then he immediately did and I was like AAAAAAAA BEST MAN!!!! KING!!!!!!
I have decided my new eternal location will be within Comte's coat, no I don't take criticism. This is my happy place
Comte: I’ve heard that my aristocratic friends have decided to hold a birthday party for me on October 25th this year.
MC: Oh my, that’s wonderful
Comte: If you don’t mind, I’d like to go with you
Comte: --Will you stay by my side as my partner, MC?
I couldn’t help the way my cheeks burned as he looked intently into my eyes.
MC: If you’ll have me, then with pleasure
When I nodded Comte beamed, his eyes sparkling with delight.
Comte: Thank you, I’m looking forward to escorting you that day.
At the risk of calling him adorable 18 times in the course of this process, I will now be communicating telepathically--
(If it’s a party explicitly for him, it’ll probably be more luxurious than usual.)
(If it’s on his birthday, I want to do something to celebrate him too…)
What on earth should I do, what can I do to make Comte happy?
(...there’s still some time. I’ll think it over.)
It remained on my mind--
(What should I do? I was still mulling it over, despite his birthday only three days away…)
(The time limit served to make me more anxious, and I couldn’t seem to think straight. As I walked down the hall worrying…)
Leonardo: What’s wrong, cara mia? There’s a deep furrow in your brow
I love Leonardo so much sometimes, "ayo your face is all messed up, what's the matter?" this is just classic him, 11/10 never gets old
MC: Oh…
Leonardo was walking by and stopped me, which was enough to make me come to my senses.
(Yes, I might be able to get some good ideas from Leonardo…!)
MC: Leonardo, could you give me some advice?
Leonardo: Hm? I don’t mind…
Leonardo blinked with surprise for a moment, before turning his face and smiling.
Leonardo: Does cara mia’s problem…have something to do with ‘Comte’s’ birthday?
MC: How did you…
(Was it written all over my face?)
Oh MC, we really in it now--
As my voice lowered from the embarrassment of being seen through, Leonardo laughed with good humor.
Leonardo: Actually, just a moment ago, Comte wouldn’t stop gushing about how excited he was to go to his birthday party with you.
(Oh, I’m in love with you…)
I was beyond happy--but also feeling shy about it--and all of a sudden I went pink from the neck up.
Leonardo: So, what is it that you’re worried about?
MC: …I wanted to be able to congratulate him in my own way, but given Comte is a man with everything at his fingertips I have no idea what to get him. I’ve been wracking my brain.
MC: You’ve known him for a long time, haven’t you Leonardo? Can you give me some pointers?
Leonardo: I see, that’s a very cute problem
Leonardo laughed lightly as he answered.
Literally that part with MC where she goes (Oh, I'm in love with you...) had to be one of the funniest moments of identification I've ever had while playing an otome. The way she really went SOBS WAILS CRIES HE'S ADORABLE AAAAAAAA because g o d, same. I love how Comte is just that guy who gets married and is like HAVE YOU SEEN MY WIFE. I LOVE MY WIFE. WHERE'S MY WIFE--deadass it's like that one reddit guy meme (mywife is soft nd ilikeher...) from a while back.
I also think it's so cute that Leo's just watching all this from afar like ":> good for them." It just gave me such warm fuzzies!!
Leonardo: All I can say is
Leonardo: Even if you have everything…that doesn’t necessarily mean you feel fulfilled/satisfied in every way possible.
MC: huh…
(What does he mean?)
Leonardo squints his eyes a little at me when I tilt my head.
He looks calm, but also like he’s looking somewhere far away.
Leonardo: Why don’t you ask Comte what it was like, on his birthday, before he met you.
(What was it like on his birthday before he met me…?)
As I was deep in thought, Leonardo patted me on the shoulder as the corner of his mouth went up a little.
Leonardo: Well, in the end, I think even if you don’t--he’ll be happy with whatever present you think of.
Honestly this is something that's frequently on my mind, and really timely in the context of the 5th bday story that just came out. Because I really do think Comte values sincerity of feeling and consideration for him a whole lot more than he does anything material. I've also been thinking about his upbringing and how it created a basis for that feeling, a kind of vacuum in his interactions with the world--in which a buried and silenced yearning keeps resurfacing despite his best efforts to smile and keep moving. Namely because he met people and had mentors who were earnest and heartfelt in their care for him, who raised him like a human child. Then he was more or less told at like 12 with zero warning: yeah you're never going to feel that again. Perform to survive and that's the most you'll ever get out of life. (Fellas...)
How to broach the topic. On the one hand, I could see how this is a reflection of a warped understanding--arguably even a kind of deeply embodied hopelessness--that his family/other purebloods imbued into him. But on the other, I can't help but feel that's just so many levels of effed up. It's not really hard to imagine how Comte lost himself, became so conflicted and distanced from his own desires. It's interesting too, because when Vlad tells him in the main story route "So you’re not going to do anything, as usual?…You’ve always been uncertain and indecisive, Comte…Even when you lost ‘her’ during the war…" and more or less goads him, I don't think I fully appreciated the meaning behind Comte's silent answering wrath at the implication. Because to be honest, Vlad was hitting an extremely sensitive point; that Comte wants more, but genuinely struggles acting on it with confidence because of his experiences and conditioning.
One thing I love about Ikevamp is that it is quintessential good writing in the sense that, even years later, I go back and I see dimensions to what's been said/felt and more layers of nuance than I'd ever imagined. Certainly Vlad's sentiment is insensitive on the surface level: he's making light of someone who died horribly, someone who died unjustly, in front of someone who felt real love for that person's life. But even deeper than that, Vlad's mocking a profound insecurity and point of prolonged pain for Comte that he struggles to talk about with much of anyone. To know that, and to use something so deeply private, is like the twist of a knife already embedded beneath the skin. It's no wonder Comte has a moment where he's inches from retaliating against his better judgment.
I feel like I also identify with this notion of feeling like something is deeply wrong, but not having the scope to be able to fully understand why or how to break away from it. I find it really realistic that Comte needed time and input from others to move away from that conditioning, to start seeing the world in a different light. Maybe even more apt, it all started with an act of courage; messy, well-meaning, imperfect--but true to who he wanted to be for the first time in his long life.
As I was spending time with Comte later that night, I couldn’t get Leonardo’s words out of my mind the entire time…
Comte: --MC. [the way i hid my face STOP READING MY MIND S I R]
Suddenly, Comte looked over from where he was sitting next to me.
Comte: You look like there’s something’s weighing on your mind…did something happen?
MC: Well…
At the sound of his gentle probing, I find the courage to ask.
MC: Earlier today, I was talking to Leonardo about attending the birthday party. Along the way I started to wonder what it was like for you on your birthdays before we met.
MC: Could you please tell me about your birthday…before you met me?
Okay but like. I am seriously such a sucker for a couple knowing each other long enough where they just. Glance at the other and are like "aight wtf happened." It's beautiful. 100/10 hits every single time. No notes, poetic cinema.
I also love this sensibility between them where they're very good at giving each other some time to process things first. Like I can think of so many instances where Comte knew something was wrong immediately, but he waited to bring it up out of respect for her 🥺💜
Comte: …
He blinked a little in surprise, but then his face clouded.
Comte: …my birthday, before I met you?
Comte: It’s such a boring/trifling story it wouldn’t even be worth telling as a bedtime story.
MC: I’d still like to know…please, if you could tell me.
I stared at him, and he let out a small sigh after I asked.
Comte: --What I’m going to tell you now, it was a long time ago.
Comte: There were many, many occasions in which other aristocrats threw big birthday parties for me.
Okay, I wanna talk about this mainly because I was so genuinely shocked by his sheer...vehemence? And self-derision regarding who he perceives he used to be. Because I feel like he usually just tries to elide it, or make light of it--not the visceral contempt here that startled me. In some ways, I feel like it might be because he feels more comfortable expressing the extent of his unhappiness with how his life used to be, and that's a good thing. On the other--;-;. I just want to hug him so bad...Comte don't deride the man I love, he's doing his best and is very special to me and lovely 😭
(Flashback begins)
--Music plays at a spectacular venue and various meals were provided to entertain people dressed to the nines.
Comte, who was the star of the night, was surrounded by many gorgeous women…
Noble’s daughter: Congratulations, Comte
Noblewoman: Congratulations!
Blessings, mountains of gifts, and laughter echoes throughout the venue.
At first glance, it did indeed look like a gorgeous birthday party, but in reality it was just a pretense.
(No matter who I look at, this place reeks of barely disguised avaricious ambition.)
No matter how many well wishes I receive in a place where such vapid desires swirl, my heart will never be satisfied--
Comte: While it may have been a birthday party, ultimately everyone was there for the sake of my wealth, status, and power….
Comte: --No matter how gorgeous the evening party, every corner of the room dripping in vanity left my heart more unsatisfied than ever.
Literally I am torn between two feelings. The first being, oh Abel. King. You would have loved My Chemical Romance, you were robbed as a young vampire. Second, the sheer unabating passion I feel for his emo dismissal of their vapidities is enough to make me explode. Comte I want you carnally. There's something very real and hilarious about even rich people hating other rich people that makes me wheeze.
(To be fair, there were likely a few decent folk among them as it often happens in any demographic of people--I just think it's very growing pains mood to kind of lose hope in others. We all have that phase.)
MC: …
I was speechless, and kept staring at him in silence.
His profile took on a blank, empty look; it was hard to believe he was talking about his own birthday party.
Just looking at that expression makes my heart tighten…
Comte: On the surface, I made an effort to look like I was enjoying myself. But deep down it just wasn’t the case--
Comte: With one of my pureblood friends, I accidentally let it slip when I was talking to him that same night.
Comte: I feel so…empty
(returns to the flashback)
Not the dissociation taking over, king 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Although this next part gets so unhinged I was literally screaming, it's a miracle Comte is some degree of normal after exposure to whatever the hell this is.
Pureblood friend: In that case, it might do you some good to fall in love. It would be nice to fall in love with another pureblood…but it would be especially nice with a human. Falling in love with a human will fill your heart with more warmth than ever before.
Comte: Why would you go to the trouble of falling in love with a human…?
Pureblood friend: They are truly beautiful, incandescent in the short lives that they live. They have the spark of life that we lack.
I was intrigued by the “love that transcends kind” that my friend talked about so enthusiastically--
Comte: And what happened to that human lover…?
Pureblood friend: …We broke up
My friend shrugged his shoulders, looking rather sad.
Pureblood friend: I knew I couldn’t stay by her side forever. So I said goodbye before it became too hard.
Pureblood friend: Besides, if we stayed together for too long, people would eventually realize who we really are. We are different creatures, after all.
Comte: …I see. [he looks so openly upset about this ;HDSGLKHDJFGHLKSJH]
Pureblood friend: But I have no regrets. Even if it was only for a short while, I was able to love someone so deeply.
Where do I even begin with this one. What kind of advice is this.
Comte: feeling the existential dread more acutely with each passing day. will the emptiness ever end?
His friend: go have a human fling and that'll make everything better. just let someone else fix you
He really said "bestie it's time for hot girl summer" and I really just don't know what to say here. Like. Please don't try this at home????? That is not remotely the correct answer but also that's lowkey so insane it loops right back around to being uproariously funny. The absurdist humor just writes itself here honestly.
This is what people mean when they say those born rich and powerful are just severely out of touch with basic tenants of humanity.
I’m torn between feeling disappointed, but also understanding where he’s coming from.
No matter how hot the flame of love burns--it takes but a moment to extinguish between purebloods and human people.
(No, it’s not limited to love…that’s how it always is, with humans. Every interaction is destined to end sooner or later.)
Every time it happens, I feel the sadness pile up in my heart.
How long will I go on living like this? The only answer I ever get is that it’s eternally inevitable.
I lived in fear of that loneliness, seeking to avoid it by indulging in momentary pleasures--
(End of flashback)
Comte: I figured the day I would feel fulfilled would never truly come…
Comte: I lived as I pleased, such was the nature of my decadent birthdays.
Rest assured, Comte demonstrates how much he took this advice with a grain of salt throughout this event--which is honestly something I love so much about him. It's clear he really only agrees on the level of how difficult it is to be close to humankind, not really the idea that flings are the universal stopgap to his despair. I do think it's true we need support from others to grow and change, but I don't think this nuance is quite captured by his pureblood friend. I think Comte felt it didn't serve as an answer that was satisfactory to him, so he did what made him feel safe until he could understand how to act on what he wanted.
MC: Oh…
I get a glimpse of him as he was all those years ago, buried in the emptiness of his past.
I naturally hugged him close to me where I was sitting beside him.
Comte: MC…
Comte murmured in surprise, wrapping his arms around me and stroking my back.
Comte: …While I was reminiscing about my birthday, it seems I got a bit carried away with the conversation.
EVERYBODY SAY THANK YOU MC FOR HUGGING COMTE, BECAUSE GOD SAME. THIS POOR MAN :(( 💜💜💜💜
Comte: You can rest assured. It’s already a thing of the past, that I would spend each birthday mired in such dissatisfaction.
MC: Then, what about now…?
When I looked up, even from this close proximity his eyes only reflected me.
Comte: --my thoughts from that time have changed ever since I met you.
He touches my cheek and strokes it as if to seek out my warmth.
Comte: 'Even if I fall in love, this emptiness will never be filled…'
Comte: What’s more, I’ve given up on the idea that it’s futile to fall in love with a human, that I would only suffer from the distance between us…
Comte: MC, you’re the one who changed everything for me.
Screaming, crying, wailing, barking, etc.
But also I feel something so real and raw in the idea that he was just tired of being forced to hide all his life. The earnest yearning for someone who can love and accept you as you are, rather than for all that you feel you have to be. The difference between love that is perpetually conditional, versus unconditionally gifted in perpetuum.
MC: Me…?
Comte: Yes
Comte smiled and looked up gently, leaning closer.
Comte: I met you, and I fell in love with you from the bottom of my heart.
Comte: In you, I found meaning in building up the “present” that we share together, accumulating into eternity.
When I closed my eyes, soft lips pressed against mine lovingly.
Comte: …you filled up the emptiness in my heart.
The shadow that had crept into his eyes vanished just as quickly as it had emerged, filling me with relief.
(“Even if you have everything, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re satisfied with it all.”...)
(I think I finally understand what Leonardo was getting at…)
When this occurred to me, something came to mind that I wanted to give him for his birthday…--
--It was the day of Comte’s birthday celebration. We were heading over to the party.
Comte dressed me in fineries, from dresses to jewelry to accessories, for today.
MC: Thank you for such a wonderful dress and accessories…
Comte: It was my pleasure, thank you for indulging my selfishness.
Comte: I was especially excited to dress you up to my liking, tonight.
Comte, who was sitting across from me, narrowed his eyes that were tinged with love.
Comte: You look stunning, every bit as much as I thought you would. It’s going to be a challenge keeping you away from everyone who falls madly in love at the sight of you, once again.
MC: Th-there’s no one like that, don’t be silly
Comte: Yes there is. In fact, he’s sitting right in front of you…a man who sees only you.
When I looked down, shy from all the words of praise and his unabashedly passionate gaze, the stone on my bracelet caught my eye.
(This is…)
I didn’t notice it when I was changing into everything, but when the setting sun’s light shone against it, the stone turned the same amber color as Comte’s eyes--a sparkling gold.
At the same moment, the carriage came to a halt.
Comte: It appears we’ve arrived. Now, MC, allow me to escort you.
--When we entered the venue, everyone was already gathered and waiting for our arrival. The eyes of the guests turned toward us in unison.
Aristocratic woman: Comte! Happy birthday!
Daughter of a noble family: You look very handsome tonight, Comte!
Just like the story he recounted to me of birthdays past, many beautiful women began to gather around Comte.
However, Comte’s eyes were on me….
Comte: Come here, MC
"He's sitting right in front of you...a man who sees only you."
However, Comte's eyes were on me...... "Come here, MC"
S T O P KING, it's a wonder MC didn't disintegrate from the attention, I know I would straight up perish 😭🥺💜
I'm in the process of proofreading my Comte 7th bday event translation. However. I had to say it because reading the english version of the Impossible Choices event KILLED ME WHERE I SAT:
VIDEO GAMES WERE A MISTAKE I CAN'T UNSEE IT 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Also because it was hot as hell:
I think Comte deserves to be a little violent. As a treat (for me)
I will also never get over Vlad going AND MAKE IT STRAWBERRY at pretty much everything and Comte just "Can you be an adult. About anything. For like 3 minutes." Meanwhile I'm with MC where I just find it lowkey hilarious. Realizing now as I write about it that Comte, Vlad, and MC just feel like Comte and MC are the dad and mom humoring an overzealous child, and something about that is freaking uproarious to me. I was sitting there like "where have I heard/seen that tone in Comte before" and then it hit me like a ton of bricks (as if he doesn't run a whole house, don't look at me I'm a 🤡)
I find it all kinds of adorable that Comte's playful and silly only when he's alone with MC, makes it feel special in a way--like he's comfortable sharing because it's her. I also think it's cute because he often manages to find a way to spin it into something that ends up being fun/sweet/thoughtful towards MC, which is just delightful. I feel like when Vlad comes in he gets a lil grumpy and jealous and retreats into himself a bit, like his private time with MC was stolen 😚
I still chortle about the Honeymoon event where Vlad gave MC a bouquet of flowers to celebrate their wedding day, and the way it felt like Comte wanted to trash them 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 it was so unbelievably funny. Like it was so clear he didn't want to ruin MC's gift, you know, be mature and let her have this. But also. REEEEEEEE M Y MC 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Deleted footage of Comte the second Vlad offered her flowers:
Also, spoilers for the Epilogue that left me clutching my pearls MC GIANT MOOD, I LOVE HIM:
So was anyone going to tell me Faust is a bigger menace than EVERYONE in the game put together or like. Was I supposed to play the Impossible Choices event (Vincent and Charles ver) myself. I LOVE that he's the definition of: 'being smarter doesn't make me more mature or helpful, it just makes my inherent lust for chaos/entropy all the more unstoppable' This shit FUCKS
I think this is the first time I've ever seen a character make Shakespeare's life a living hell and the latter didn't expect/see it coming, that was AMAZING. Mf was out here like "What the hell??? You lot don't make me suffer I make YOU suffer. Let a man obsess IN PRIVACY" and then nobody cared. Peak comedic interaction, no notes everyone pack it up
So was anyone going to tell me Faust is a bigger menace than EVERYONE in the game put together or like. Was I supposed to play the Impossible Choices event (Vincent and Charles ver) myself. I LOVE that he's the definition of: 'being smarter doesn't make me more mature or helpful, it just makes my inherent lust for chaos/entropy all the more unstoppable' This shit FUCKS
I think this is the first time I've ever seen a character make Shakespeare's life a living hell and the latter didn't expect/see it coming, that was AMAZING. Mf was out here like "What the hell??? You lot don't make me suffer I make YOU suffer. Let a man obsess IN PRIVACY" and then nobody cared. Peak comedic interaction, no notes everyone pack it up
I keep hiding my face lahshjsdhjgfsaf HE HAS NO RIGHT. NO RIGHT AT ALL BEING THAT SEXILY INTENSE AAAAAAAAAAA
Anyway, I should probably try to make some attempt at describing the event since. If I don't I'll just be barking/crying/hiding my face for the next twelve hours.
Basically--and I'm not sure this is going to be across the board, but it held true for Napoleon and Sebastian at least--each suitor has a birthday event this year instead of a separate story. Comte's won't be released until tomorrow, but they have posted a preview.
From what I gather, he talks a little bit about himself and reveals parts of his past that haven't come to light in the game yet. There wasn't really enough to convey a coherent narrative beyond attending a party, but the line displayed here does get across the larger theme:
Comte: (I don't need momentary pleasure or ephemeral affection any longer. Now that I know love, there's nothing but you.)
He talks about how the aristocracy have thrown parties and extravagant celebrations for his birthday for most of his life. But none of it has ever really made him happy, largely because he knows that they are attempts to strengthen and broadcast power relations within high society. While I don't think he means it's entirely devoid of well wishes, I do think he sees it as a nexus of influence--and thus, by nature, impersonal. And honestly, I don't think he's wrong about that; the higher the echelon in social standing, the more it requires performance to maintain the position.
That being said, there is a fascinating flashback where he remembers a pureblood telling him about how falling in love with a human is an experience of another caliber entirely. My understanding is that Comte was still a fairly young vampire at the time, so he didn't really understand what the person was getting at. It seems like the other pureblood was trying to convey the difference in feeling, perhaps the fact that humans are more grounded in accordance with how they live--the reality and necessity of change.
After reading this--and the recent 5th bday story--I can absolutely see how change is something Comte has a complicated relationship with. He's known a certain way of life for so long, has constructed a sensibility of distant, rational maturity. After all the heartbreak of his youth, and two very acute traumatic events in his life, I can see why he'd be so afraid of broaching any kind of proximity with another person. Because on some level it's so much easier not to put your feelings on the line, to never have to fear devastating loss. And that's to say nothing of the worry of being unable to measure up on behalf of another person, of letting them down.
I'm so excited to see the rest of the contents, but something about the preview made me equal parts giddy and enamored (all I do is kick my feet with excitement LOL). I think what gets to me with Comte is that he truly does love companionship as a place to rest, a place where he can be honest about himself and his feelings without fear of ridicule (and the same goes for MC). In a world increasingly obsessed with surface level performances of power, status, and emotion, it's hard not to feel his exhaustion to the core.
Also, because these lines at the end more or less destroyed me in the best possible way:
MC: ...The you who had nowhere to belong no longer exists. In much the same way...Abel, I belong to you.
Comte: ...
Comte: I wish I could say to myself all those years ago, the me who kept indulging in such paltry things.
Comte: Until you meet MC, you will never know love...
The warmth of MC in my arms filled me with such joy I was near tears.
(I don't need momentary pleasure or ephemeral affection any longer. Now that I know love, there's nothing but you.)
The moment my lips found hers, the sweetness lit a fire deep in my body.
Comte: These cute lips that melt against mine, the heat of your skin, the love that envelops me in your embrace--always leaves me so deeply in love with you.
Spoiling You With All My Might -- Comte Collection Story Translation
I've been meaning to post this one for a while, as it's honestly in my top ten Comte events of all time. For this Collection story event, it was basically all the suitors comforting MC when she's stressed/tired/overworked. And lbr, who doesn't need that in their life?
Enjoy everyone, and just a reminder that I'm no professional--I just translate these for my own enjoyment. Without further ado:
In the early afternoon, when the hands on the clock are pointing to 3pm--
I was alone drinking tea in a quiet kitchen.
(I’ve been busy lately…I think I’m a little burnt out.)
My cup of tea was already empty, but somehow I didn’t have the energy to stand up--
Comte: MC, are you taking a break?
Turning around revealed Comte standing in the middle of the doorway.
Okay but like. I gotta say just the thought of him peeking around the corner is killing me, he's the cutest man alive I swear
But also. Now I'm wondering if he's lowkey like IS IT MEOW MEOW TIME? MEOW MEOW T I M E!!!!!! pounces on the opportunity for quality time. Somehow that's even more adorable I'm going to explode from uwus
MC: Indeed I am. Would you like to have some tea, too?
Comte: That’s an attractive invitation, but if you don’t mind, would you spend some time with me for a little while after this?
MC: Go out with you…?
Comte: I’m thinking of going for a walk. Would you like to join me?
His hand was outstretched in a gentlemanly gesture that touched/eased my heart.
MC: Haha, I’d love to.
I laughed a little at this because I'm definitely the kind of person that's like "omg pls, you are not beating the silly goose allegations!!!" over him being all suave over a walk together but. At the same time. HEART EYES M-- King of romantics everywhere. Gentleman of my heart. Mellifluous seducer have MERCY
More under the cut!
Comte’s escort led me to a forest a short walking distance from the mansion.
As I walk alongside him, the sunbeams penetrate through the trees as they sway with the breeze.
Comte: The weather is lovely today, making it a perfect occasion for a walk.
MC: You’re right…the wind feels nice, too.
As I walked slowly listening to the rustling trees, I could feel the fatigue/tension draining out of me little by little.
(It feels like my heart is being cleansed. It’s so soothing…)
Comte: …
It was then that I noticed Comte gazing at me calmly.
As somebody who used to be plus ultra literally every minute of my life, this made me so softe inside. The way he cares so much about her ;-; he really said "I will die before I disrespect a girlboss, but also. I am here. For to help PLS. Also a crumb of attention...p l swleseskje...."
(Ah…by any chance)
MC: Comte
Comte: Yes?
MC: …You invited me out for a change of pace, didn’t you?
Comte smiled softly at my words.
Comte: I just wanted to take a walk with you like this.
I do love how, especially in recent events, MC notices his gestures more and more 🥺💛💛💛💛💛💛 I think it's really cute that he wants to be sneaky sweet and supportive, and whenever she realizes it he's like. C'est moi? You're not fooling anyone pretty boy!!! I know you have brain cells up there!!! But also the sincerity in that last line, of how he really does also just want to spend some time with her. How he's always saying the most wonderful thing she can give him is her time.
Just put my body out to sea I can't do this anymore--
I was enveloped in the sound of his voice, warming my heart, and my feet stopped involuntarily.
Comte: MC?
MC: Every time you treat me so kindly like this…I’m so happy I could cry
Jokingly, Comte turned around and spread his coat.
Comte: If you want to do so, that’s okay too
MC: Huh…
Comte: After all, there is no one here but us. If you want to cry, you can cry.
Comte wrapped me gently in his open coat and murmured in my ear.
Comte: Like this, there will be no trace of tears left behind.
MC: Oh…
(It’s okay to cry…that’s not something you hear very often when you’re fully grown.)
(Just hearing him say that in such a sweet voice makes my heart feel lighter…)
(Comte really is amazing)
Honestly this part just made me melt, I have no words--I'm down bad fellas. We love a man who encourages his partner that its safe to be vulnerable 😭🙏🏼
But also I feel the need to say. Comte don't offer this to me because from that point on I will live in your coat. It will no longer be 'Comte's nice coat,' but rather:
MC: Thank you. But…Aren’t you spoiling me too much?
When I looked up and asked him, he leaned over to drop a kiss to my forehead…
MC: Oh…
Comte: I see. I think I don’t spoil you enough.
Comte’s long fingers reached out to wipe my eyes gently.
Comte: MC, I love everything about you.
Comte: Your fatigue and your tears, don’t forget that it’s my privilege to soothe them with these hands.
He gazes deeply into my eyes, and I can’t help how my heart races in response.
So like. Do you ever just cry and die. Because.
I'm like somewhere between "WE GOT A 2319!!!!!!!!!" and inches from professing my eternal love and loyalty like some kind of lovelorn knight too afraid to even touch the radiance of their beloved. Comte how on earth am I supposed to look at you without being blinded. Sun that's too bright!!!!! That's too b r i g h t!
I just. "Your fatigue and your tears, don’t forget that it’s my privilege to soothe them with these hands." [muffled wailing noises] Did I ASK--
Mfer out here like 'oh the terrible fate of being tied to me for eternity' meanwhile every second of being with him is either dizzyingly passionate or like being wrapped up in the warmest, fluffiest blankie imaginable. I HAVE TO S T A N SIR--
MC: Ah, if you spoil me so much, I’m afraid I won’t be able to do anything on my own anymore.
Comte smiled a little as I laughed deceptively in the hopes of hiding how delighted I was.
Comte: That’s great. I’d love to see that, myself.
The fingers that had been stroking my eyes slipped down my cheek to touch my lips.
Comte: If you can’t manage to walk alone--I’ll be there to hold you up, and walk alongside you.
His sweet whisper ends when his lips gently cover mine.
MC: Mn…
In the midst of his enveloping kiss, I gently entrusted my body to the person dearest to me--
Can I just ?????? Say????? How much I love MC being teasing/catty with him as the events go on. I LOVE it here. I think I really like how she grows into her own strength, and how she feels comfortable expressing her shyness without ceding that integrity. One thing I've noticed that I love in relationships is this ability to air grievances in a playful way, where the stakes are low--but the person can still express their feelings and be comforted. I think I like how it's not about putting pressure on the person, but getting it out in the open and resolved all the same. It just fills me with warm fuzzies c:
Also. "If you can’t manage to walk alone--I’ll be there to hold you up, and walk alongside you." Like not to beat a dead horse, but wow. Pretty sure this metaphysically changed me as a person. Thanks, I will never be the same. True love exists, [unhinged barking noises], etc etc
@blogcloudpuff-blog Like. How does a single person recover from being inundated with so much tenderness, shocked glee, and tasteful eroticism. This is my Pride and Prejudice.
Some mild spoilers as I gush about the loveliest man in the world:
The domesticity. The easy comfort between them, the poking fun and messing around. The way he loves being a silly little party man but the second MC asks him to go on a picnic with her because "uwu I want to spend time with you alone 🥺💜" he just yeets his party hat in seconds.
The way he's so openly astonished that someone would do something sweet on his behalf because they really want to I'm chewing glass. The hilarity of him being like "younger me would be clutching his pearls. Do You Even Care." The way I cry a little that he lowkey feels so much pressure to perform to be loved, but he joyfully accepts MC taking the lead and allows himself this surrender.
MC scolding him with no real heat when he's just being a happy little menace. Telling him "Don't worry I'll be gentle" like it's nothing and just moving on with her day. (THE CULTURAL. I M P A C T--) Him legit somehow not elaborating on that and instead thinking "I'm having a wonderful time also my wife is beautiful and very pretty and so talented, Sebastian I'm stealing your job."
Sebastian in the bg: oNLY WAR
Comte just listening to her talk about everything in the city so fondly, but also the double-edged part of it that makes him feel left behind to see her grow in leaps and bounds. MC noticing the moment he starts to feel out of place immediately, despite Comte's quick cover up. How MC was nervous about boring him with something simple.
The way her little gestures, her patience, her always meeting him halfway mean the entire world to him. The way he stops feeling out of place and isolated, because she always brings him along at her pace--never leaving him behind (just as he does the same for her). How he's floored by that basic reciprocity. How so much of love and being a couple of any kind is about the basic human desire to have a hand in yours, the promise that someone will be there. The promise that everything will be okay, and if it isn't, I have someone to love in the meantime.
THIS ENTIRE BIT. NO I WILL NOT SUMMARIZE BC NO WORDS CAN ENCOMPASS THE WAY EACH LINE MOVED MY HEART. SHAKING, CRYING, ETC:
The way he admires her strength without equivocation, the way he thinks her capacity to take the lead is beautiful. The first person he ever wanted to bite for love, and love alone.
Comte: (It's not enough...I want more. I could drown in you and never quench this thirst.)...For one beautiful moment, it felt as if nothing separated us at all.
What if I steered this train off a cliff--
Comte saying at least like seven different times throughout this whole thing that MC is so bright (SUN AND MOON COUPLE I'M SHAKING THE BARS OF MY CAGE. TIMELESS. PERFECTLY BALANCED. INEXTRICABLY LINKED. SYNERGISTIC SYZYGY.)
Comte not biting her in the end, but going to sleep dreaming of it blissfully.
The title, First Time in Forever. The implications. The imp.li.ca.tions. stares into my drink
Man. How did I forget that an entire subplot of Dazai's main story was just. Trying to trap him into having a single conversation with MC like a normal person I'm so akhdjgfkljshgskjd
I just love watching her, Arthur, and Isaac deadass plot with glee to get one over on Dazai it's killing me, this is some Hamlet level shit (no Charles do not stand behind the curtain to kill Dazai coming in the window!!! yamero!!!!!)
Also because I felt personally attacked (/j) when Isaac said this:
I love you Isaac but pls have mercy on creatives we only have one brain cell and we're trying s o hard oTL
Although, and I'll leave it under the cut since I'm back on my Comte-posting, but the way Comte talks about Dazai fascinates me. Also just as fair warning, I do broach a lot of the topics that come up in Dazai rt so trigger warnings for self-harm, suicide, CPTSD and PTSD, trauma, etc. I don't go too too in-depth, but they are there.
Comte: "Dazai is quite skilled at concealing what he's really feeling, even from himself, perhaps."
The way he instantly remarks on how Dazai is not only working to conceal what he feels from others, but also from himself. Tbh I think that's enormously perceptive, because at first glance most people tend to think Dazai is lazy, troublesome, flippant, or erratic (and sometimes, a combination of all of these).
I love that he sees to the core of who Dazai is and what he's feeling; fear. Dazai is afraid of hurting someone again, but I also think on some level he's made it an ontological problem; he's afraid of himself. He thinks his very existence is a negative entity, something that exists only to hurt and/or estrange other people, something wrong/different. I'd argue that's why he's so adamant about mood-making and keeping to himself. If you never express how you truly feel or live true to yourself, on some level you can't entirely reach others. Because fundamentally, being close to other people does require some level of lowered defenses and sharing. Ergo, never dwell too long or give too much of yourself away, never make a mark on anyone--good or bad.
As a side note, Theo calls him "a half-strewn dandelion puff" and I agree that's rather blunt, but on some level Theo operates on a level of utility. His entire operating precept is that life and work must serve a discrete purpose. And Dazai, in choosing to opt out of living with meaning/intent out of fear, makes this description entirely consistent with Theo's perspective of the world. Though his phrasing is harsh and perhaps one-dimensional, I do find it interesting that he comes to a similar conclusion as Comte as to what Dazai is doing.
Comte talks about it with such clarity and calm, he really does feel so parental in this moment. He's not necessarily minimizing the reality of how Dazai is experiencing the world, but he also clearly doesn't agree with Dazai's self-perception. Perhaps most striking to me is how Comte seems to understand that the only threat Dazai poses is to himself...Sometimes it feels like, in the case of conditions like mental illness/depression/etc. people are so eager to assume ill will of a person. This is only exponentially compounded if they prove to have striking intelligence and strategic capacity, the same way Dazai does. I guess I can't help but appreciate that Comte knows the difference between strong and scared, and even how the lines between the two can and often do blur (perhaps best exemplified in his relationships with Jeanne and Dazai).
(Side note: I forgot which event it was but, one time when Dazai was homesick for cherry blossom watching, Comte had the entire house filled with flowers to cheer him up [insert ugly sobbing]).
For someone so enigmatic, evasive, and distant, Comte still notices instantly that Dazai is much, much happier with MC. I suppose it makes me wonder if Comte knew all along that Dazai's real wish was to be accepted and loved as he was, but kept quiet out of respect for his privacy. I would offer too that sometimes people need to realize these things on their own for the information to have value.
But what really gets my ass is what Comte says right after:
This is my bread and butter (so is he but that's not the point of this particular TED talk). In the last few years I've done a lot of exploratory work on how trauma is mapped both internally but also visibly on the body. What I think is engaging here is that, while it could be read on a surface level as "body language gives people's true intentions away" I don't think that's quite what he's getting at. Or perhaps better phrased, it's an oversimplification. I don't think it's that body language can't communicate real and important information about people's lives. Rather, that people associate rigid and absolutist interpretations to singular mannerisms, which does a disservice to both parties. Nobody can know a person at a glance; to say that you do reduces the lived reality of the opposite party.
Comte gives simple examples and couches his words for the context of the moment, but I think that first line is incredibly telling. "But the body is remarkably truthful." It makes me think of how, in moments where Comte is overcome with anxiety as a result of traumatic recurrence, he has acute panic attacks (i.e. shortened breath, racing heart, trembling). How Leonardo's lethargy (i.e. napping on the floor everywhere like the hobo he is) belies the reality of his very real exhaustion, the emotional turmoil that comes with a fraught immortal life.
Dazai's endless struggle with dissociation and self-harm, the way he stood in the rain unmoving at the thought of MC returning home to the modern era. Whether to numb himself from the pain of that grief/loneliness, or perhaps more likely the self-immolation of subjecting himself to the re-enactment of the most harrowing moment of his life. To relive that anguish as a reminder; to abstain from making the same mistake ever again. Jeanne's endless bodily tension, struggles with basic self-care (appears to be interoception-based; reduced signalling of the need to eat/rest/etc.), and self-isolation to cope in a world where only the strong survive. Never safe, always alone, always defensive.
I think, for many people in general but especially people who have been through intense PTSD/CPTSD/etc., it can be hard to express these feelings directly. Whether they are forcibly silenced, ridiculed into self-derision/self-concealment, or are overwhelmed by emotions that are difficult to process--each manifests itself in unconventional ways. It means a lot to me when those phenomena are portrayed so sensitively in written works/media, that they're explored with real intention and narrative subtlety to communicate how hard it is for people who are wounded or simply different (or both, as often is the case).
Addendum:
Even more than that, and this is an observation at the end of Dazai's route, is Comte's open belief that life is something to be cherished. Of course, like any other person he has behaviors he won't abide and people he doesn't feel partial to, but by and large he doesn't take life lightly. Perhaps that's why he doesn't expect Dazai to resort to such measures again, in conjunction with the circumstances of his transition. From an outsider perspective, I could see how Comte might assume Dazai no longer wishes for that if he seemed to regret his initial course of action by seeking resurrection. There is also the implication that Dazai is always at war with himself, and therefore might give contradictory impressions; one moment he wants to live, the next he doesn't. This is precisely what led him to ask Charles for help to subdue his own 'cowardice.' (His terms, not mine. [bonks him]) There is a sizeable subset of s-word survivors who, after recovery, feel that their problems were actually solvable despite their despair in the moment.
Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone, but I think there's something to be said of Comte feeling such real affection for the mansion boys that he is stricken to find out what Dazai attempted. And perhaps unsurprisingly, very adamant to keep him from ever pursuing such a course of action again. He's incredibly vulnerable about his horror that he might have inflicted something on Dazai that he never wanted in bringing him back, though Dazai comfortably refutes any lack of agency in the situation.
I guess I feel very compelled by the duality inherent in Comte's glass heart, precisely because of how realistic it feels. His greatest strength is his sensitivity, but it's also his greatest weakness in tandem. His genuine care for Dazai--the unwavering belief that his life is valuable and worthy--ends up being the reason he doesn't anticipate Dazai's rather deeply entrenched self-loathing. And to be honest, I'm a bit inclined to agree; looking back on a third reading Dazai feels way too hard on himself. It feels like the young girl's death was more a catalyst for what Dazai was already feeling, than anything. Dazai wanted so badly to have a reason to despise himself (as he already disliked how different and out of place he naturally felt) and with this, his self-reproach could have a viable, rational explanation. A locus outside of his body by which to rationalize his self-hatred. Accident or not becomes irrelevant; he was involved, and thus he is guilty.
He reminds me a lot of that post that was circulating once about how cultish behavior inculcates intelligent people with more devastating pull than one might expect, because intelligent people can more easily and more insistently find ways to desperately rationalize their situation to function in that whirlpool of abuse. Dazai feels like he's in this same such Catch-22, so busy believing he deserves to be scorned (because of how well he hides his perceived abnormalities) that he takes steps to ensure and reinforce it. He wants and needs to see his reality make sense, and if it won't answer his designs he will find a way to make it so.
It fascinates me because Dazai is an incredibly complex example of someone who desires control, but instead of inflicting it with external rapacity, he targets his own internal state. I once heard a Buddhist explain: yes, it is a sign of disturbance to engage with others aggressively and without grace. However, it is also a sign of disturbance when the mind seeks to harm one's own body. Although Dazai's disturbance is not as apparent, it is there. And that's part of what makes him so excruciatingly compelling to me, in a lot of ways he is the manifestation of the Sisyphean suffering of being ill in a quiet way. In enduring and smiling and laughing because you don't want to burden others--or know you're not allowed to--all while you slowly bleed from the inside out.
Comte: I just had a long talk with Theodorus and Arthur about hitting and now they are yelling “it’s my turn to perpetuate the cycle of violence” before hitting each other.
