Hyrule Hystoria(?)

zelda lore that never happened i just made it up (one per day) ▪︎ (inspired by @facts-i-just-made-up) ▪︎ honestly imagine this as some deity in-universe, a self proclaimed historian, who is just really bad at their job

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

The equivalent of Valentine's Day in Hyrule stems from a frantic race to complete a Heart Container before others could find the pieces. People began a very violent chase to complete the very rare Heart Containers to give to their loved ones to make them stronger, so eventually someone just drew the line and said the hearts would have to be fake from now on.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

The entirety of Age of Calamity was a dream of Impa's. Take from this what you will.

Was Astor or Sooga ever real 100 years ago? Does Terrako even exist in the main timeline? Did Robbie really have that haircut? We will never know.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

Twilight Princess Link isn't Hylian, he just has the pointed ears because of the Triforce piece like Ganondorf in Ocarina of Time.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

The Hero of Time never followed through with his apparent "engagement" to Princess Ruto, in part because he had no idea what marriage was when he was a nine-year-old raised by the Kokiri and a literal tree.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

Most monsters can talk, but they don't have very nice things to say. Though they're created by demons, they can accidentally "disconnect" from the overall hivemind and just... leave. Such cases are surprisingly chill once they get over the existentialism of, y'know, gaining sentience.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

Various NPCs actually do have magic, contrary to popular belief. Do you think the postman actually runs that fast? Stamp Guy? Beedle? No. They're teleporting through sheer force of will throughout their routes but are too locked in to even notice.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

Harkinian was wondering what was for lunch, not dinner. Common misconception.

It was octorok, by the way.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

A lot of princesses named Zelda happen to have similar fashion sense, even hundreds of years apart, because they're all dressing in the previous's style believing it to be "historical fashion" — having no idea that in the Era before, it was also traditional dress.

In other cases, they're just dressing in what was the previous's casual clothes: take Tetra in The Wind Waker and Minish Cap Zelda. Did King Daphnes know that dress was the casual wear of the princess centuries before? Probably not. But it's not like Tetra knew any better to correct him, either.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

The reason time is so broken is obviously because Hylia died in the first place. She very likely was a goddess of time, so of course her death meant everything gets shattered into a million timelines! And Demise just made it worse with his curse! It makes you wonder why the Three never try to do much to help besides sending an apocalypse... Maybe they already think it's a lost cause. I mean. There's no fixing that.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

"Blin" is commonly used as a suffix for monsters. One must assume it is the equivalent of "mon" or "gremlin," but no one can say for sure. There's not a single possible word that blin could have come from to refer to monsters, after all. On another note, Hyruleans have taken to calling their children "blins" as a term of endearment when they are causing general mischief. Like a goblin. But then... what the hell is a goblin?

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

Many would say pumpkins are viewed as a symbol of sustainability and fortitude in Hyrule, but the earliest records suggest an association with unbearable debt.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

Hyrule has obtained vast technological advancement in certain timelines (modernized) — but apparently, it's not as interesting to chronicle the adventures of the princess with a pistol or the hero just trying to pass his exams. Thus, there are no existing records.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

Tris are, actually, very malleable. You can squish them into any shape like dough. Of course, only people who have seen a tri can attest to it. One must assume they enjoy being shaped.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

Prior to the civil war that preceded the Era of the Hero of Time, conflicts between the Hylians and the Zora were occasionally settled by seeking a random third party to reach peaceful resolution. This random third party often ended up being the Gorons on Death Mountain due to proximity, but their solutions weren't always... what was expected. The leader at the time would often default to "wrestle" or "dance battle," which the Zora and Hyrulean kings actually agreed to way more times than they probably should have.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

If you've ever wondered what happens after too many fallen hero timelines in a row, look no further than the Zelda cartoon (1989).

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

The Great Deku Tree comes from the Great Tree in the Era of the Sky abruptly gaining sentience. All of the sudden newcomers to the Surface during the founding of Hyrule created a spirit in it because, in their fascination for the tree, they began to offer it gifts, decorate it, and tend to the land around it.

This was a weird day for everybody, especially the tree.

[incorrect-zelda-lore]

how come there aren't many fish in the Great Sea?

Short answer: the vibes are wack.

Long answer:

The intention of the flood was to, quite literally, rain on Ganondorf's parade. It was really just meant to inconvenience him specifically, but then he just would not stop. Farore and even Nayru became particularly frustrated with this— so the Keeper of Wisdom may have, to put it nicely, let Farore "go off." Persistant rain turned to constant storms, and suddenly the whole place was underwater. Unfortunately, the creatures of the world (specifically animals) are very in-tune with Farore, who specifically created the majority of them. Her sheer spite made the floodwaters the last place any fish wanted to hang, to the point that even the Zora evolved into birds just to get away from the vibes. It was just too awkward to be in the middle of their beef.