Incorrect Bungou Stray Dogs Quotes

"if i wanted to kill myself, i'd climb all the way up to your ego and drop down to your IQ level." - dazai osamu, probably about

[worldwhereallisfree]

Fukuzawa: Kunikida, take the day off

Kunikida: no, there's a lot of work at the agency.

Fukuzawa: Then I'll fire you.

Kunikida:...??????

Fukuzawa: …I'll fire you for two days. Come for an interview on Monday.

Kunikida: …

Fukuzawa: Have a good unemployment :)

[starlightshadowsworld]

???: Woah, hey man we don’t gotta do this.

Kunikida: You should’ve thought of that before becoming a criminal.

???: You want money? I’ll give you whatever you want if you just let me go.

Kunikida: Tch, how pathetic. I’ll have you know that the Agency can’t be bought.

Atsushi: Yeah…but hypothetically speaking…how much you got?

[incorrectbungoustraydogs]

Akutagawa: If Chuuya-san and I were drowning, who would you save?

Dazai: You two can't swim?

Akutagawa: It's a hypothetical question! Who would you save?

Dazai: My time and effort.

[incorrectbungoustraydogs]

Atsushi: Dazai-san, I can't get Kunikida-san out of his office!

Dazai: Tell him I said something

Atsushi: Like what?

Dazai: Anything factually incorrect

[one minute later]

Kunikida *storming out of his office*: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN WATER IS NOT WET AND KETCHUP IS A SMOOTHIE?!

[incorrectbungoustraydogs]

Dazai *holding Atsushi*: I've adopted a child. Also I bought some snacks.

Kunikida: You what–

Ranpo: Snacks, nice.

[incorrectbungoustraydogs]

Chuuya: Sooo... what's up with the text you sent me last night?

Dazai: Oh, that was autocorrect.

Chuuya: Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot, please step on me"?

Dazai:

Dazai: Yes.

[incorrectbungoustraydogs]

Dazai: You know you've made it when you see your picture up everywhere you go!

Atsushi: Dazai-san, those are wanted posters..

[incorrectbungoustraydogs]

Chuuya: Dazai isn't my "friend with benefits". He's more like my antagonist with benefits.

Chuuya: Or maybe I'm his antagonist?

Chuuya: ...

Chuuya: Basically, we antagonise each other. It's hot.

[ghostydude2]

[koiblossom5]

mushitaro: my life is in the hands of an idiot! atsushi, pointing to himself and kyouka: no no no, TWO idiots!

[almond-t0fu]

Y/n, talking to Dazai on the phone: Did you preheat the oven like I told you to?

Dazai: You bet!

Y/n: At what temperature?

Dazai: 535.

Y/n: That's the clock.

Dazai:

Y/n:

Dazai: 536

[takaradachii]

dazai: when I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?

[name]: what?

dazai: I wanna be on buzzfeed unsolved.

[name]: can we go back the part where you said "when I get murdered"?

[incorrectbungoustraydogs]

Dazai: Wow. Can't say I've ever met a bonafide, for-real Grinch in person before. Didn't think it was actually possible for a living creature to legitimately hate Christmas.

Akutagawa: Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair.

[incorrectbungoustraydogs]

Akutagawa: I have to kill you.

Atsushi: W-why?!

Akutagawa: I don't know how to hit on you, so you have to die.

[incorrectbungoustraydogs]

Chuuya: are you seeing anyone?

Dazai, smirking: haha, no... Why? 👀

Chuuya: I don't know, I think a therapist would be good for you.

[incorrectbungoustraydogs]

Dazai: *accidentally brushes Chuuya's hand*

Chuuya: *aggressively holds Dazai's hand*

Chuuya: fucking commit to it!

[incorrectbungoustraydogs]

High Spirits

Chuuya texting Dazai: God, this assignment sucks, bring the strongest booze you can find

Dazai: k

An hour later

Chuuya bursting in covered in soot: A FUCKING MOLOTOV!?!