Incorrect Cubs Quotes

Things that the Chicago Cubs players have totally, 100% said at one point. Submissions welcome!

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Tim Buss: What's your workout routine?

Jon Lester: Does running out of fucks to give count as cardio?

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Justin Wilson: I won't let you down.

Anthony Rizzo: I think you will. I think this entire project of yours is stupid and doomed to fail.

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John Lackey: This is exhausting. I just want to go back to my container of goo and go to sleep.

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Anthony Rizzo: Thanks, Dad... Why is everyone staring at me?

Kris Bryant: You just called Grandpa Rossy dad; you said thanks, dad.

Anthony Rizzo: What? No, I didn't. I said thanks, man.

David Ross: Do you see me as a father figure, Rizz?

Anthony Rizzo: No, if anything, I see you as a bother figure, 'cause you're always bothering me.

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Kyle Schwarber: Whoa, he’s being a little…

Kyle Hendricks: Obstreperous? Recalcitrant? Truculent?

Kyle Schwarber: I was gonna say “cray-cray”.

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Javy Baez: The Cardinals are the enemy. The first enemy and the last.

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Kyle Schwarber: I will put my “A” down to make “A.”

Javy Baez: I will add to your “A” to make “AT.”

Anthony Rizzo: I will add onto your “AT” to make “RAT.”

Kyle Hendricks: I will add onto your “RAT” to make “BIOSTRATIGRAPHIC.”

Anthony Rizzo: [flips the board]

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Javy Báez: Ooh, I've never had to walk before, this is fun! [Walks a few steps] Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb.

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Tommy La Stella: Ladies and gentlemen, when you look at this power-hitting couple, it's no wonder they're a household name all over the world like... bacon and eggs. Bryant and Rizzo!

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*Joe Maddon tries to remove Kyle Hendricks from a game, Willson Contreras continues discussing the next batter with him*

Joe Maddon: The manager has made a decision.

Willson Contreras: I recognize that the manager has made a decision, but given that it is a stupid-ass decision, I have elected to ignore it.

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Brandon Kintzler: I wasn't a failed pitcher. I was pre-successful.

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CJ Edwards: I keep trying to make protein shakes but they keep turning out as margaritas idk

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Tommy La Stella: Great. Now you've gotten me kicked out of a funeral. Just add it to the list. Kicked out of Petsmart, kicked out of Santa's Village, kicked out of the Salvation Army...

Anthony Rizzo: Dishonorably discharged!

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Jake Arrieta: Hold that thought. Is it okay if I go work out? I love working out. I gotta stay jacked. It's who I am.

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*heading to Milwaukee*

Ian Happ: I can't go, stress is bad for the baby

Anthony Rizzo: What baby?

Ian Happ: Me.

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Anthony Rizzo: There are always lessons in failures.

Javy Baez: Is that why you lost 101 games a few years ago?

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Chris Gimenez: You guys came to say goodbye because you're my friends.

Anthony Rizzo: Well, I suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you, much as one might be fond of a street cat.