Mary: You stupid twink!
Joseph: I'm a bear! I'm a bear!
Mary: You WISH you were a bear!
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@incorrectddaddsquotes
Mary: You stupid twink!
Joseph: I'm a bear! I'm a bear!
Mary: You WISH you were a bear!
Dad: Friend, I don't know what say.
Joseph: Try starting with your resignation.
Joseph: I don't want to kill you.
Joseph: Because the first time I saw you, I knew that I loved you.
Joseph: You make me so horny.
Joseph: And you remind me of my mom.
Brian: If we went to a Halloween party dressed as batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me.
Christian: Where do babies come from?
Mary: You all come from my vagina.
Robert: I want to set you up with my daughter.
Joseph: Oh, I'm married to mary.
Robert: I thought you were gay.
Joseph: Then, why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Joseph: If the Homo Sapiens were in fact "Homo" Sapiens, okay? Is that why they're extinct?
Mat: Joseph, Homo Sapiens are people.
Joseph: Hey, I'm not judging!
Damien: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so cliche.
Damien: Why don't you guys get a magician?
Amanda: Dad, was he really the one?
Dad: The what?
Amanda: I mean, did you really see a future with this guy?
Dad: Like, with jetpacks?
Amanda: Dad, I don't think we should cook the candy bars.
Dad: Back off. I know what I'm doing.
Robert: You're bossy.
Robert: And short.
Mary: Are you drunk?
Robert: Yeah. So?
Craig: I'm going crazy over here, man.
Craig: The only worthwhile thing I've done today was take a Buzzfeed quiz about what kind of onion I am.
[flashback to earlier that day]
Craig: Mm. Vidalia.
Joseph: I don't drink hot liquids of any kind.
Joseph: That's the devil's temperature.
Dad: You overrated little twink!
Mat: I am a twunk! Okay? That's combination twink and hunk!
Dad: Mat, what are you doing?
Mat: I'm eating because I'm very uncomfortable.
Craig: Last time I talked to you, you told me you didn't give a fuck about her.
Joseph: No. I told you I fucked up her birthday.
Craig: that's kind of the same thing, though.
Robert: What are you doing?
Dad: I'm trying to give you a big old hug.
Robert: I thought you were attacking me.