Not Quite Eorzea

From the creator of 'Texts From the Rising Stones' comes 'Incorrect FFXIV Quotes'!

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Wedge: Do I even weigh anything to you?

Biggs: No. It's like holding a couple of grapes.

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y’all i swear i didn’t plan this

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Would You Fuck A Clone of Yourself: FFXIV Women Edition

Lyse: It's basically the same as masturbating, right? So no big deal.

Minfilia: It's not the same as masturbating; it'd be like having sex with your twin. Wrong and bad!

Cirina: I don't want to fuck my clone because it would be gay sex and I'm not gay.

Tataru: I'm not gay, but I would actually totally fuck my clone.

M'naago: I'm gay, but I still don't want to fuck my clone, that's gross and weird.

Fordola: I don't want to fuck my clone because my self-loathing is THAT strong.

Moenbryda: I'd totally fuck my clone because I want to know if I'm good in bed.

Yugiri: I'd totally do all sorts of weird things to my clone I'd be embarrassed to ask someone else to do.

Yotsuyu: I'd fuck my clone because who would know better how to fuck ME than ME?

Ysayle: I would not have sex with my clone because what if my clone is evil.

Y'shtola: To be honest, fucking my clone has always been my fantasy.

Rowena: Not only would I have sex with my clone, I'd probably make a bunch of clones and just get it on with all of them at once because that's how pro-clone fucking I am.

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do clone fucking: women edition plz

It’s in the queue for tomorrow night!

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Would You Fuck A Clone of Yourself: FFXIV Men Edition

Nero: It's basically the same as masturbating, right? So no big deal.

Cid: It's not the same as masturbating; it'd be like having sex with your twin. Wrong and bad!

Magnai: I don't want to fuck my clone because it would be gay sex and I'm not gay.

Hien: I'm not gay, but I would actually totally fuck my clone.

Aymeric: I'm bi, but I still don't want to fuck my clone, that's gross and weird.

Thancred: I don't want to fuck my clone because my self-loathing is THAT strong.

G'raha: I'd totally fuck my clone because I want to know if I'm good in bed.

Urianger: I'd totally do all sorts of weird things to my clone I'd be embarrassed to ask someone else to do.

Zenos: I'd fuck my clone because who would know better how to fuck ME than ME?

Estinien: I would not have sex with my clone because what if my clone is evil.

Ardbert: To be honest, fucking my clone has always been my fantasy.

Emet-Selch: Not only would I have sex with my clone, I'd probably make a bunch of clones and just get it on with all of them at once because that's how pro-clone fucking I am.

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Crystal Exarch: The thing about sandwiches is that, every sandwich comes with its own field of energy. Which is why they're so delicious. But if you keep two separate sandwich slices together for too long after they've supposed to been long separated, it'll actually cause distortions in the time field; which is why it's actually really important to separate sandwiches like that. Just thought I'd let y'all know a little bit of, uh, time-space continuum-keeping tips from your friend the Crystal Exarch. My full name is 'Time C. Exarch.' The C stands for 'Cat'

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Emmanellain's Magitek Resume of the Future

Artoirel, reading a screen: "Emmanellain is…"

Emmanellain, pointing at himself with both thumbs: :D

Artoirel: "… Hungry for responsibility," excellent, that's great. "Horny for teamwork…"

Emmanellain, nodding suggestively: :3

Artoirel: "And ready to b--" -WHEEZING LAUGHTER- "To BUST A NUT up in this job!" This is very sexual! Your skills, let's get into that… "EIGHT-FOOT VERTICAL LEAP"

Emmanellain, staring wide-eyed in a completely different direction: 8|

Haurchefant: -also wheezing with laughter-

Artoirel: Okay, that's very impressive, I do love to play Monster Toss. "Young--" -snorts- "dumb, and full of… you know"

Emmanellain, seductively looking straight into the camera with his finger on his lips: ;)

Artoirel, barely holding it together: And I see you've got a little winky face there, that's great.

Haurchefant, not bothering to hold it together: -says 'winky' at the same time Artoirel does-

Emmanellain, gesturing to the green text on the magitek monitor: :O

Artoirel: "OH SHIT THIS THING HAS OTHER COLORS," oh, you're gonna figure it out on the job, that's great. "Thanks for your time." You're, you're welcome, young man. "I love you."

Emmanellain: /blowkiss

Haurchefant: -LAUGHING LIKE A MANIAC-

Artoirel: Okay, a little, moving a little fast!

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Cid: Men who look up to their fathers too much are ridiculous. If you're an adult male who sees no flaws in his father, you're an insane person.

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Secret Dialogue from the end of the Shadowbringers credits

Emet-Selch: What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something but me! I got nothing! I'm, I'm here with nothing! Anybody listening? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.

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Runar and Y'shtola, holding hands:

Emet-Selch: 'Ohhh, look at us, we're in love and happy and not dead inside,' get fucked, both of you.

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Emet-Selch, completely deadpan: I don't need friends, they disappoint me.

Emet-Selch, still completely deadpan: -Strikes a pose-

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Ishgard, 1000 years ago

Flavien: I brought you frankincense.

Ratatoskr: Thank you.

Thordan: And I brought you myrrh…

Ratatoskr: Thank you.

Thordan: Myrrh-DER.

Ratatoskr: -GASPS.- THORDAN! NO--

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The Ocular, five Norvrandt years ago

Thancred: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time I was yanked out of reality and reappeared naked in a place I've never seen before, I'd have two nickels - which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.

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Thancred Waters, utterly sloshed at the Quicksand, circa 1563

Thancred: 13-year-olds are the MEANEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. They terrify me to this day. If I’m on the street on like a Firesday at 3 PM and I see a group of teenagers on one side of the street, I will CROSS to the other side of the street. Because teenagers will make fun of you, but in an ACCURATE way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even need to look at you for long, they’ll just be like, “Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, look at that wine-sodden wharf rat! He got feminine hips!” And I’m like, “NO, THAT'S THE THING I'M SENSITIVE ABOUT!”

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Thancred: The worst part is Ran'jit got away.

WoL: That's the worst part? You could've died, man!

Thancred: I wasn't hurt that badly. Urianger said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be!

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I wouldn't mind doing that again, now that I know you can live through it!

The Warrior of Light, after escaping the destruction of the Praetorium (original: Ducktales - Treasure of the Lost Lamp)

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Ysayle: This fight will be quite dangerous; it's okay if you're not capable.

WoL: 'Capable' is my middle name!

Estinien: I thought your middle name was 'of.'