Good evening Tumblr
This blog will be a collection of thoughts, regarding my personal life, my history, and my objective is especially to find people in a similar situation where I am because I've been feeling like a bird in a cage for the past 3 years and for the next years to come as well, with no end closer...
I don't know if I'll even post any tags here, I'll probably just add #cptsd stuff, as well as #Tori-thoughts alongside it
I'm just so, so tired...
Alright so
Where do we even start ?
I always felt really awkward to talk about myself, or just why my life has turned into a hellscape, because it's a lot of minor fuses that were the source for bigger problems that slowly encircled around me in a ring of fire
But fine
We'll start with my childhood and the circumstances of my birth
Both my parents are Indian, and they had me in France, and I grew up in France. From what I've heard, my parents had to face both financial issues and social issues with their own family not supporting them for some reason ? My mom told me she was in constant suffering during and after my birth, and it took a few years for her to fully recover. I'll probably talk about it more in detail if people are interested.
For some reason, the fact that I was a guy at birth relieved my parents, since I get to keep the family name, as opposed to Indian Girls which are married into another family name and lose their name, and they're considered "No longer part of the family" genealogy-wise, apparently
"But can't the girl just say no and keep her name ?"
Apparently not. Thanks Indian Culture. So for them, me being a guy was extremely fucking important, as I could "continue the bloodline" ( eww ), and be basically a trophy to the rest of the family to show that their decision of going to France was a success
I don't remember much of my childhood. I remember my parents being "very strict", as I would put it as a child, that is, they would beat me up if I misbehaved. Straight up. When I was younger I tended to not have good marks in French, because both my parents didn't speak French, but then I caught on apparently and I made staggering progress, but during primary school, especially early on, me getting good grades often meant my parents were pushing me to get the best possible score everytime, which is good, but I don't think being beat up or heavily traumatized solves that issue
I remember one time when I was in a family setting my dad just casually brings up the fact that he beat me up to the point of exhaustion and passing out, and the rest of the people just laughed, because "It's Indian culture, kids get beat up, it's normal ! Whi hasn't been beaten up before ? It's normal, what, are you a softie ? That's the only way to make a child come out fine. Otherwise, your child is spoiled."
Thanks, Indian culture.
There was also that one time, I don't remember why I got in trouble, but my mom basically faked the idea that she would burn me by putting a candle/matchstick I don't remember, but it was fire, very close to me, and I remember being fucking terrified, and then I think when she brought it up again she was like "Oh no I was just doing that to make you *think* I would do that, so that your fear may change your behavior. I wouldn't actually hurt you, I'm your mom, I love you unconditionally"
Basically, they wanted a perfect child to show to their family and would do anything to get it, and they would claim that they're just "teaching me how to be a working individual in society" and to "teach me how the world is really like" and "French social values are not right for our culture" and stuff like that."
I always believed that my parents were right, and I had no reason to doubt them, they're my parents right ? They know what they're doing. Unfortunately, in the following years, something would happen that would change my view on how they behaved ENTIRELY...
I also want to mention that, throughout my childhood, due to financial issues, I spent a lot of time after school & during holidays at my grandparents house, where they were spoiling me a little, and due to me feeling like my parents were extremely strict, I unconsciously started using my tablet or other devices such as TVs or Phones to escape.
I also gained a passion for making yt videos & science thx to that, and I started watching shows similar to ig Bill Nye the Science Guy in the US would be the best equivalent, or Science is Stupid by Richard Hammond ( yes the guy from Top Gear ), or even Neil DeGrasse Tyson's Cosmos. I was mostly watching educational and gaming content at the time though
This led to countless attempts from my parents to limit screen usage, which unfortunately didn't work, and I was also even using screen instead of sleeping, like, in primary school.
One time when I was in middle school, after taking my Uncle's old phone for days to watch stuff in secret during the night, and my mom finding about it, then she took me to a therapist who's response was "Ehhh, Teenagers rebel, that's normal, just make sure he's not repeating this behavior"
Me getting good grades due to sciency stuff led to Gifted Kid Syndrome, Burnout will be in high-school though, so just remember that I was having difficulty actually sitting down and studying for hours at the time, and me getting into science was probably my hyperfixation at the time hitting the jackpot for my parents cause they could show I'm a successful and smart kid
Although me being a smart cookie doesn't mean I was socially smart, which my parents didn't teach growing on accounts of "It's obvious" and "Everyone learns it instinctively to survive", so, I wasn't socially apt, which led to various issues, like when I was honest when my parents were intentionally saying lies to make it seem like I'm a smarter person than I am, which is dumb from my part, but I was a kid, I didn't know how to read the room, or when I insulted a kid without knowing what the insults meant because that mentality my parents grew of always trying my best turned out to create a toxic environment where I had to always win or my parents wouldn't like me
That last part isn't even a joke, often during my childhood, during times where my parents would ground me, they would say that "If you weren't smart you'd be useless" like yes, that is a sane thing my parents said, to their own child.
Holy shit I didn't expect that much shit coming from my childhood wtf
One day I told my teacher about how my parents were basically bearing me up and making me grow this mentality that I need to be the best and that it stressed me tf out, which they called my parents and were probably kindly telling them "wtf is wrong with you" but in a "I don't think you should do that" kind of way. Then my parents calmed down and now pride themselves in the idea that they themselves stopped beating me out of "respect" for my being.
I call bullshit.
I got in trouble multiple times for lying and not being truthful because I was terrified so much of the consequences that I just didn't know better to do that to run from them whenever I did something my parents considered "bad", which could go from my own toxic behavior fucking me over to social faux-pas apparently. My parents took it as me intentionally deceiving them to evade the consequences like a con artist, except I was basically a homeless guy trying to survive if we're using that analogy
FINALLY
AFTER ALL THAT
WE MOVE ONTO MIDDLE SCHOOL
Which was relatively chiller in comparison, surprisingly
The only real issue was me getting into Violin bc someone in my class learned an instrument and I wanted to impress people, which I did for the first few years, but my gifted kid syndrome issue fucked me over and I couldn't properly work, so because I got used to it, I started lying because I was terrified of the consequences, because I associated my teacher yelling at me with my parents yelling at me, so I did what I always did, and so after a series of lies, I ended up expelled due to basically blatantly lying and doing jack shit at home
There was also that one time my parents yelled at me for not working and doing what my teachers told me to do at home during Covid, but other than that it was pretty smooth sailing
My stress levels were slowly building up though, but at a very slow rate, due to parents being "very strict"
There was also my lil sis, important aspect of my life, which I asked for because other kids were happy with siblings and I thought maybe having a sibling would make me relate more and I specifically wanted a lil sis. Everything worked out, I was very happy, and even back in middle school u was trying to encourage forgiveness and understanding over punishing and also get into her hobbies and interests in yt videos instead of trying to shut them down immediately like my parents did. Spoiler Alert : I failed bc my parents grip was too strong, but middle school me was probably the happiest, despite the stress of middle school violin classes and meeting expectations set by everyone around me, because I was quite good, but didn't put any effort.
Now, we're getting into the actual meat of my issues.
Yes
All this that I just listed
Is just the setup
To basically what's been tormenting me for the last years and the following years to come.
Hold on to your seat belts, cause the ride WILL. NEVER. END. At least for me :D
Here we go, High-School Arc !
So, 1st year of high-school, start of the burnout phase of the "gifted kid syndrome" and with my parents having high expectations, me thinking that I shouldn't fuck up like I did with my violin classes, stress for being in a new environment and not being able to keep up with it, and our class splitting in two between "Smart snobs" and "The rest", causing a social rift that I didn't really enjoy, on the last day of the Christmas holidays, my mom found questionable comic dubs on my YT page, freaked out and yelled at me ( this was prior to a session of her throwing my notebooks and books and hitting me for low grades & grades lower than usual ) I decided to try and jump out my apartment window.
My mom had a feeling that something wrong was happening ( that feeling probably being "I don't think you're supposed to be this violent towards a child ) and stopped me from jumping, and then told me 2 things after I explained my stressed-out situation in tears
1. "If I wanted to, I would've just killed you", bad answer, my dad even said "Shut up, don't say that"
2. "Please think about us, killing yourself is selfish, you're making all of us unhappy by doing so. God made you, so only god has the right to take away life from us, not you". I'll let y'all judge how valid these arguments are.
Surprisingly, they were enough to keep me alive, and so nothing much important happened that following year. The social aspect of my high-school class kinda sucked, so, I was hoping next year will be different.
In my second year of high-school, a lot of interesting characters come up in this story, so I will each use letters to name them to protect their identity
[A] : the smartest guy I ever know, like dude has anecdotes for everything, and is knowledgeable in like every field, and was only allowed on the internet like, in his teens, so like, he just hoarded knowledge ig idk
[B] : Best friend from middle school, bit of a shut-in nerd, but he's cool
[C] : Guy that's really into RP, also a friend
[D] : New classmate that joined my class in October, will be important
[E] : Friend of D, has also a few problems himself with alcoholism
So
Before D's arrival, me & A got along extremely well, I even tried to campaign as class president and we figured out our votes got rigged mathematically. This will also be important
So D arrives in October and I think to myself that it'll be "great" to show them around ( God I fucking cringe at myself for that ) and we soon bond over our similar hobbies and such. I also notice that they're a bit... psychopathic ? Like they proclaim themselves to be a psychopath with a troubled life that I won't go into the details of but there were a lot of crimes listed in their backstory and my teenager was like "Oh shit that's cool af I can try & understand their psyche a bit and form new experiences" ( Wtf was wrong with me istg ) and so we also both vented about each other, and at one point we promised that if we ever hurt one another, one should kill the other ( Not a good thing to say, wtf old me... ). I also was very worried bc they kept having those episodes and those thoughts about burning their house down and me, the sane teenager that I was, got so fucking worried and apparently had a savior complex going on that I was like "I need to know where they live to like, make sure she doesn't fuck up" like yeah we're platonic friends but that doesn't justify shit dude.
Due to that, they start not liking me as much ( obviously ) but I was oblivious, and the fact they kept telling me during episodes that "No" and instead of understanding that as "No what you said was creepy af" and instead thought "No I don't feel comfortable rn, maybe another day" ( I seriously wanna fucking murder the person that I was with a sniper rifle pointed right at my forehead )
Anyways, enough is enough, and they completely cut contact with me, because I asked them to send me a dick pics of their boyfriend as a joke ( No, the "as a joke" doesn't justify shit, that shit is weird af and I have no idea what was going through my brain, I genuinely don't know why I was like that ohhhhh godddddd how I wanna fucking chuck a sharp iron fence into the side of that guy's throat to slit it )
I get depressed ( kill this mf I can't ) because I feel like I lost someone dear to me, E tells me I've lost then for good and that it's all over, and I sulk for about 2 months. The day after that whole incident, the plushie I wanted to give them as a gift for their b-day arrived, and I get double sad, hugging the plushie and getting parasocial with it ( I. Need. To. Kill. This. Individual. )
You mightve noticed how much I wanna strangle past me, and yes, you'd be correct, this is the worst version of me imaginable, fumbling every single social interaction with someone that they're more than simple friends with, and every ounce of my being wants to fucking kill him. I will calm myself about these thoughts, but know they will persist about how I feel about myself for the next 6-9 months in the story at least
So while I sulk, I get fake rumors that I'm stalking them, and I just don't have the mind to process these. Just. These 2 months honestly feel like a blur, and that I went through every emotion ever.
The thing that broke me out of the sulk was me lashing out in my class group chat about some other guy, which basically made the whole chat turn against me but they ended up forgiving me, and a classmate & I making a fake message of my history teacher, which made them call me to the headmaster's office, where I explained to them I was feeling depressed and that's when I started trying to heal and not be that much of an asshole.
After the 2 months, A told me that D was actually lying and making fake accusations and rumors and was making me look worse than I was, which made me hate them even more, but I couldn't trust them for sure
After 2 years now, I'm much better, but even the next 6 months after that whole debacle, I was doing significantly better, and was much saner, but me & D started having a sort of hate for one another, D for me being an asshole back then for fair reasons and me for D cutting me suddenly and without telling me they actually hated me, and also the fake rumors. Even if we somehow got together again thx to C, it was still boiling, and next October.
They accuses me of r#pe
Straight up.
I had a feeling thx to A that they were lying and making me believe fake stories about their psychopathy and their multiple crimes straight up, which made me feel good about my moral standpoint for being a pos back then, but by playing the columbo gambit and playing the fool that didn't remember last year at all, they basically tried to frame me for something i never did, and then were on the verge of going to the police about it. B became a mediator in the situation, and helped both of us get off of each other, but D still went to the headmaster. By then I was much better psychologically but I am unable to talk about the situation. I'm almost frozen and scared and genuinely like. I am not proud in the slightest of hurting them. I wasn't trying to justify myself, I just felt... like a monster. Like someone that should've died for these actions. Someone that shouldn't be allowed to live after all that.
Like
You mightve felt a lot of things about past me while reading this
And honestly
You're right to feel these things
But you know what my headmaster did ? After hearing all that ? She actually listened and understood how pained and fucking hateful and resentful I was, and how I actually wanted to change and move on, and she accepted. She told me to just, let the whole situation go, and so I did. I chilled. I went to therapy regularly and became a better person.
I actually healed from that
I changed.
Once I left senior year. I just felt relief. The nightmare that I cause and that I was solely responsible for was finally over. I did my duty, I served my sentence, I'm a changed man, it's done, it's over
I'm free...
And nope, I still am not free. Not because of that, I got out of that, it's all behind me, as my headmaster recently told me, but due to another thing...
Some things I wanna come back to during this period : Was I a victim ? Maybe, from a certain perspective, especially that fake accusations, but at no point I will ever say I was in the right and was more victim than they were. To this day, what I did to them and what they did to me makes me wonder if I should give up in my life. Like, as much as I hate past me, that guy was me. I can't run from what he is. I can't run everyday from who I was. It genuinely fuvcking haunts me, and that's good, that's a good thing, I don't deserve peace for what I did, do I ? Nobody that interacted with that monster of a person that was me during high-school deserves me, and they probbably will never forgive me for the pain I caused all of them. I appreciate that my headmaster forgave me in the end and understood I was a child that didn't know wyf I was doing, but I still cannot see myself as a victim, I can akways see myself as someone that needs to die.
How do I live with it everyday ? After such a rollercoaster of a year happened to you, it's hard to believe that, it's all over. I still can't sleep properly, years after the first ever incident and everything that sparked it. Thinking about my behavior that I was during this sulk that later got fuled into hate for the next few months hurting everyone around me, whether they be IRL or online. It took all of highschool for me to actually fucking recover, and like, now I do feel better, but I do feel so much more different to how pathetic I felt while in high-school. What I said to D on a whim to columbo scheme them into revealing their lies did turn out to be true, both of our statements : I did change eventually. I did eventuually strived to be a better person. But that doesn't forgive who I was or my actions. Will I end up forgiving myself ? I don't know, but it might be my only path that's left to be able to let this all go. But for obvious reasons, you can still hate me for the shit I did, you have the riight to DM and insult me. I'll listen and agree with you wholeheartedly and join in on the trash-talking. Being with your own thoughts long enough, through sleepless nights, does that to you. Oh also B ended up in a relationship with D despite knowing full well they were spreading fake allegations about me, his best friend.
If you wanna ask questions about my highschool later on, go ahead. I probably forgot a lot of details, that whole period is honestly and emotional blur, if you wanna know more, please do message me about it. I still feel like a persecutor talking about it, but if you do belive I was a victim, I'll listen to your thoughts just as much as those that see me as a persecuting pos.
So Uni The first semester was the most sane and happy and normal I ever was. That's it That's the whole thing After that, I finally am able to breathe. I experiment with my gender & sexuality, figured out I'm bi genderfluid and likes She/They pronouns, I shave and start getting really pretty clothes and people at Uni actually respect my gender identity and are nice about it, my younger sister who was getting into middle school also understands and supports me, I get dressed up pretty at christmas prom and get rizzed up and have now a bf, I'm much saner, much happier, i'm chiller around my friends and know how to act in social settings.
Sure, idk if my parents accepts me, they probably won't, but they might change, but for now, I won't talk or mention it and try to hide it
My mom snooped in my convos, forcing me to come out, freak out, thratened to kill herself & my dad and put my sis in foster care, if I didn't chang, threatened to tell my dad about it ( thankfully she didnt ), threw away the few fem things sho could find in my backpack, and when I was in India talking about my private life she said "You have no private life" along with "Idc about french laws, this is an indian household" and "Your sister will also live an indian life, I won't let her marry a white dude for example", with my mom also making my sister believe that what I did was a big crime, and both my parents threatened that if I ever were to fully oppose them in every way, they would kill themselves. The remaining of my fem clothes are in a box that's been going around my friend's house for months, I've been wearing masks everyday to Uni to coverup my inability to shave & dysphoria that comes with it, and upon seeing my mom saying Im the one who hurt her and forcing everyone to go to various churches and saying Im the cause for her depression, I honestly Just couldn't take it anymore I went back to my headmaster to consult, and after agreeing that what my mom did was fucked up, I feel like, for once in my life, I am justified to do something
Dissappear forever, change identity, kill my old self for good and start anew, transfem in a completely different setting, living the life I want to live, free of everything. This was the only way to ensure my parents wouldn't consider suicide, while actually making me able to transition, and closing the book on that whole "I fucking hate past me and want to die" chapter in my life. A better, happier girl. I hope
Now, I'm still in the phase of trying to figure out how to execute this plan, and this was, in broad strokes, my life story, and how much of a fucking wreck it was. If you want to know more, or want to help, DMs are open, thanks for reading everyone. I'm not proud of my life
I should've been dead long ago.