I'm fine, thank you.

Pop culture obsessed. Semi-hiatus. If you contact me I will reply as soon as I see it! Thanks to Aneta for my sidebar gif and Antonia for my theme!

[incorrectdetectiveanna]

DA fandom to Yakov after 2x24: Congratulations, you've invented a whole new kind of stupid.

The fandom: A damage-you-can-never-undo kind of stupid.

The fandom: An open-all-the-cages-in-the-zoo kind of stupid.

The fandom: Truly you-didn't-think-this-through kind of stupid.

[indesperateneedofahobby]

Okay. But. Um. They’re planning a third season, right? RIGHT? And it won’t take five years this time? RIGHT??????

Cause what the hell??

[epiphanyrook]

The eyes, chico. They never lie.

Detective Anna. Season 2 Episode 23.

[naifcharm]

Анна-детективъ 2x24

[indesperateneedofahobby]

Well hello again Tumblr, I’m back because nowhere else on English-speaking social media does anyone seem to watch Detective Anna and without subtitles I need SOMEONE to tell me if my guess - based purely off the facial reactions in this scene - that Shtolman is married is correct

[anneapocalypse]

Shipping is such a multilayered thing too.

You can ship characters for happily ever afters, sure, you can ship them for tragically-then-happily, you can ship two or three or four or more, you can ship endless combinations of personality types and relationship dynamics

but you can also ship characters under very specific circumstances, or for a certain period of their life but not for all of it, or only in a certain universe. You might say “I ship these characters” and what you mean is you think they are fascinating together and could have a story together. That story could be any kind of story. 

Sometimes it means you want them together for the rest of their lives. Sometimes it means something different than that.

I don’t know about you, but for me, “I ship it” means “There is a story in this ship and I am interested in that story.” 

[finnglas]

for me, “I ship it” means “There is a story in this ship and I am interested in that story.”

Thank you for articulating this. Yes. Exactly.

[indesperateneedofahobby]

Happy End to 2017!

Hi, I’m freezing and this year mostly sucked and was so busy I barely thought about Tumblr, but you guys are still awesome and I need all your Elena and Star Wars gifs k thx BYE

[acecroft]

“As long as they’ve been around, people like us have been hunting them down and shoving wooden poles up their arses. Big pole! Right up their arse.” Crazyhead 1x01

[indesperateneedofahobby]

Let's talk about my new obsession. It's called Crazyhead, it's amazing, the ladies are kickass, the lead is an incredible black superstar, it's funny as fuck but I also cried, and the first season is on Netflix and only 6 episodes. Watch it. Now. DO IT.

[indesperateneedofahobby]

I just discovered my account unfollowed some people while I've been absent. So if we used to follow each other and don't now, let me know! (Unless it was deliberate 😂)

[indesperateneedofahobby]

I've been away from Tumblr for a long time; do people not write essays in the tags anymore? I don't want to be living in the past!

[chairdelenazade]

I’ve seen a lot of mixed emotions about this scene. Let’s talk about my interpretation of this, shall we? When I look at this, I see two married people who have enjoyed their long and happy life together. They were human and happy and lived the long life that they wanted. 

Their smiles? I see Damon’s as one of uncertainty for what is to come for him. As Elena is explaining during the scene, he is worried he will never know peace. He’s worried he will never see his brother again, (and possibly not Elena either for that matter.) Elena’s smile is one of certainty. She knows the kind of man Damon is and she has no doubt he will find peace. She knows he will see Stefan again, because Elena Gilbert has always seen the best in Damon Salvatore. She sees the good and knows the kind of man she married. 

And then…..his hand disappears from her grasp. Personally, I took this to mean Elena passed on (or found her peace) first. From her outstretched hand towards Damon and slightly confused expression on her face, followed by her reuniting with her loved ones it’s easy to see this is a new experience for her. I saw this as a temporary separation until they got to greet their loved ones in this new sense of peace.

As we see in the next scene, Elena was right about Damon. He did find peace like she always believed he would. He did see Stefan again. Their peace is with their families and with each other. 

[janeaustentextposts]

Which Austen book/movie do you think had the most sexual tension?

Persuasion, hands down.Think about it: every other novel depends wholly upon the uncertainty of the heroine being unaware of the hero’s romantic interest for some portion of the novel, with misunderstandings and difficulties largely brought on by the structure of Proper Courtship where it was generally considered inappropriate for either party to display too much obvious inclination until a proposal was actually made. (Marianne’s quick and clear affection for Willoughby makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Fanny Price is commended for her placid response to Henry Crawford’s flirtations. Elizabeth Bennet doesn’t even begin to remotely consider Darcy as a marital prospect until after he’s proposed and been rejected with some of the sickest burns ever committed to the page.)

But Persuasion. Ah, Persuasion. Anne has already previously accepted and then rejected Wentworth before the novel even starts. The whole book already exists at the level of tension we see reached when Lizzy runs into Darcy unexpectedly on her visit to Pemberley. That’s the whole book.

And it gets better.

Anne didn’t reject Wentworth because she couldn’t fuckin’ stand him, the way Elizabeth chewed off Darcy’s ear for being a dillhole to Jane and (she thinks) to Wickham. Anne loved Wentworth, and he loved her. They were devoted to each other. It’s the fact that she broke off the engagement despite this that rankles, for both of them. The attraction was there. It was acknowledged. It was allowed to burn wild and bright for that brief, delicious time before Lady Russell’s doubts and concerns seized hold of Anne and persuaded her to wreck his happiness, and her own. No, they were both fully aware of how much they wanted each other, and they were like “yeah, let’s get married, it’ll be great, I love you so much, oh God you’re so attractive, you’re amazing, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, you’re everything I could ever want.”

It was real and undeniable. They cannot unsay any of it. And then it was over.

[SAD TROMBONE]

And that’s just the backstory.

So despite Wentworth being hella difficult for Anne to read, and her own shattered expectations and self-esteem leading her to believe that of course he’s over her and totally into Louisa Musgrove, why wouldn’t he be, she’s young and cute and so many things Anne is not…we still get to watch Anne burn for this man after eight years apart and know that that’s a fire that’s never going to go out for the rest of her life, if time and distance and hopelessness and even the attentions of other charming young men in Captain Benwick and Mr. Elliott haven’t managed to put out those flames.

And on the re-read we can pick up on every look and cue from Wentworth which we then know to be signs of the fact that he is as helplessly lost to his desire for this person as he was nearly a decade earlier. He wants to believe otherwise and tries to act as if it is–and in a classic case of over-compensation gives rise to hopes and expectations from Louisa Musgrove which then very nearly lock him into an attachment which would surely divide him from Anne forever. And even when he feels himself safe from that, he confronts the possibility of Anne being taken by a rival in Mr. Elliott, and can only watch, rather than give a clear sign of his intent. After all the time that has passed, he is now in the position Anne was in at the beginning of the book, and must painfully struggle to weigh his own doubts against his desires. The no-liking-each-other-too-much-until-you-pop-the-question courtship rules still apply, and an open and happy flirtation at this point is not in their natures as individuals–they’re older than most other heroes and all other heroines. They know the risks. They’ve seen happiness slip away, before, and wonder if it is lost forever. Their emotional stakes are higher. He cannot bear to ask again, face to face.

The misery. The agony. The helpless and resentful eyefucking. That LETTER.

I͚̞̖ ̗̮͈̰̬͇͙c̺̗̮a̗̗̤̜ṉ̯ ̦͔̞̫̟l̯͎͇i̮̱͓̹̭̝͍̥s͓̣̱͎͉̙̻̱̩t͖̠e̼͍̻̣̼n̪̜̮̟̖ ̼̣̼̱̩n̬̳o̩̱̪̟͚̟̲ ̪̺̺l̗̦o͉̝̺̳̤̺̬̻ͅn̗̤̦̥̥͔g̗̰e̜r͎̙̲͚̥̫͇̰ ̜̻͎͈i̘̻̲̫͖̘̫n̩̳̻̮̳̪ ̖̳̳̬̭s̩i̹̩̗̻̘l̹͚e͈̮͖͚͈̫n͔̣̰̯̝̠̤̝c͚͍̙͈̱͉̗͇e̤̭̯̳̹̳.̘̖̫̩̭̻̤͖̱ ̳̞I͓̞̣ ̦̗̼͙͙͎̗͚m͚͙͖̜̜u͈̱̦̩s͓̰͚͎t̼͕̬͈̗̫ ̝͉͕̯̣͈ͅs͖̼͓̤͎͚̮p̲͇̮͓̩e͍̦̹͉͕̠͎̠a̻͎̝̭̜k͉̫̭̣ ̫̣̲̜͙͉̳t̺͚͔̜̗o̫͓̩̝ ̯̻̙̱y͕̳̘̺͎̞o͍̮u̲̭̙̦ ̺̦͎̬̦̣̤

b̩̹͖y̦̝͙̣̮̦̫ ̼̪s̜̜̼͓̝̣͉̺ṵ̼̦̪c͕̝̝h̝̞͈̻̺̩̼̬̩ ͕̺̟͓ͅm͖͈̣̰͍̫̦e̫͕͇̗̳̩̣̠a̬͕̭͕ͅn̖ͅs̲͕͉̙̥͉̠͙ͅ ̤̳̞̖̼̥̰a̗̗̹̰̳̟̙s̭̭͍̦͎͙ͅ ͇̭̰a̱̩͈r͍̦̟̣͚͙̱e̠̟̬̮ ̘w͔̩͈̩̠̮̭̘i̳̻̯͙̦̼t͇̖̹̙̩h͎̣͎̖̩̬̥̪̦i̙n͚̫͈̗̘ ̱̺m̯̜̬͈y̹̟̝̱̼̝̰̘ ̖̞̪̪̦̭r̮̝̙̻̣̯e̳̮̦͚̞̣a̱̞c̠̞̝͎̥̯͚͍ḥ͎̟̯.͎̪̬̟̻̥͉̦͙̭̭͕̲̫̖̜͙̰̬͓̪̹͈ͅY̰̯̟̜͎̼̳͖̱o̘̜̞̣̭̥u̩͎̰̣̤̻͚͙ ̫̲̻̲̜͈p̱̹̯i͎e͈̣̩̠̲̖r̳͉̺c̩͔͉̩̤̥͉̲e͎̗ ̞̠̮̲̝̠̤̜m̯̙̹̖̗̺y̤̺͙̼̮ ̮s͇͔͔̦̮̤o̯͖̥̭͓͍̤ͅu͔̥̩̯̻̖̙̲l̟͎.̤͕ ̰̼̘I̭̝̫ ͚̠̝̜a̮̮̘m̝̖͖̫͙͖̟ ͔̳̯̟̺h̗͖̩̬̟̱͓a̺̳͔̲͈l̙̺̙͓̞f͍̠ ̠̞̘̮̩a̲̝̬̟g̪͖̲͙o̩͚n̩̞̹y̗̖͔̪̮͚̹̻,̖̩̬̗̣͇̺̹ ̥̙͇̜͓̙̠̰͎h͕̮̪͕ạ͙̰̠͓l͚͙͚̤͇̮f͉̰̝͈̳͍̖ ̭̘ḥ̞o̗̲͎̩̜̙p̭e͖̮̼̱ͅ.̻̳ ̙̣͍͍̦̩̼͓̯

T̻̣̖̼͍͉̝e̳̮̯̘̜͖l̪̰l͕͕ ̼͈͉̻̙̗̰̬m̟̬̙̫ͅḙ̬̰̲̦̮̜ ̣̲̘n̺̰̦̟͍͔̫o͙̬͓̗̫̻̻̱t̻̘̰̜̖̦̜͈ ͖͇̜͚̣͍t̳̞̼h̗̹͓̮̖̲̟͕a̫̞̖̣̳̩ͅt͈͚̩ ̝̤̗̲̭̫̭I̪͙͙ͅ ̝̜̭͚̙̞a͉̹͖̫͔̪̮m̯̘͇̪ͅ ̳͍̩t̠͈̻͚̩͇͚o̩̭o̘̦̝̙ ̰̬̠͓̠͚̙̹̹l͚͕͍a̰͎t̖̭̥ẹ͈̝,̩̲͓̖̘͇͎ ̻̲̬̲ț͔͎̹̪͍h̘͔̙̝a͇t̫͎͙͖ ̬̩͇̫̮s͖͉̘̙u͔̹͚c͕̣̝͙͍h͖̤̲̱̟ͅ ̖̺͔̠̰̬p͈̤͔̖̯ṛe͚͙̯̖c̝͔͙͉i̻o̖͙̠u̜̬̦̹̻̫ͅș̝̪̹̝̦̩̼ͅ ̦̥͉̞͉͚̗f͇̪e̝̰̠̝ẹ̹͔͉̟̤l̻͖͔̜͇̝ͅi̟̘͎̦͈̞̱n̲̮̤̤͉͈̬g̱͓͖͕̣̯͚͙s̱ ̩̯̲̪͕̩a̪̠͓͈̩ͅr͓͚e͍͇͖ ̹g̳̖͎͙͉͇͎̯o͓n̘̜͈̫e̲̥̥̞͖̩ͅ ̭̺f͓̺̮͈͚̼̲o̼̝r͖̰̩̞̺̼̮̰̪ ̗̮e̼̬̹̳͕̼̤v̲̝e͙̤͎ṟ̙̘̱.͕̞̥͙̝̘̭̪͙̙̥̲̗̰̺̮̗̳̭̹I̺̼͎͕ ̳̖̘͇͚̦̳͉o̞̥̥̞̘̗̗f̜̱̞͔͕̹͙f̟̹̖̺e̲̬͉̥r̲͚̣̘̪͓̫̳̹ ̙͚͍̘͍̘̦m̪̫͔̼̙͔̯͕y͎̖̯͇s̞e̺̣͓̻̗͎̹͇̻l̙̣̮͈f͖̩̫̱̤͙̘ ̝̩̥͖̞̜͉̻͎t͇̳͈̳o̙̜̳͎̣ ͕̤̣y̱̞̦͈̳̥o͚u̦̭̥͔ ͈̹̗̮a̠̺͓͕͖g̤͇̟͍a͚̱͉̯̬͍̘i͚̣̣̻̥n̞͍̜̗̝͓ ̤̠̹̪̳͉̪͓w̼̭̠̭̝i͖̭t͎͕̮̭ẖ̟̱ ͉̩a̗͇̪ͅ ̩̥̺̱̱̦h̺̝͕͓̠e͈̜̮̪a͚̦̦͇͔̗͙̝͈r͖͔̜̠̰̥t̬̥̻̭͕̬ ̦͇̠͎̱͓͎e̥̙̠̥̼̩͎̘͍v̩͙e͎̭̺̫̥n͍͚̙̺̼ ̘̰̱m̗̲̯̞͇o̝͈͓̰͇r̹̤̞̙͕e͙͍̦̦̦ͅ ̱͔͇̩͓y̻̖͚̱̼ͅo̜̯̗u̦̲̦͎̙̬̭r̼̲̗̟̯̟̱͓ ̗͖o̜͍̤̩͓̲̬ͅw͈̳͎̩̪̤͓͍͎n͖͍͈͔̪͖͔ ͇̳͔̫̮͙̭͕

t̤͕h̲̲̩̱a̪͚͚̞͈͈͉ͅṇ̝̪̞̰̦͎ ͍̺̼̳̦̜w̝̹̖h͉̥̟̝e̮̞͇͕̩͉̰̮n̘͓̜͙ ̙ͅy͕̗͇͎͙͉̹̻o̖͈͈ͅu̺̱͈ ̮̥͍͍͓a̝̮̱l̥̩̤̹m͖̻o̻͚̯s͚͎̳̻͙t̟̹ ̱̹̤̝̞ͅb̰͍̺̜ͅr̤̙͍̹̯͎̻o̥͚͇̻k̹e̟͍̪͎͖ ̱̝̭̥̠i̠̝̬̙̲̤t͇͚̺̯̣̮̜͚ͅ,̙̣̭͓̭̮ͅ ̗̰̞̳͕͔e̦̱̹i̺̙̰͕̲͓̜ͅg̖̯͈͇͔̣h̻̻̺̼͉͍͇̞t̠̝̦̮̟͈ ̤̩̦̻̥y͕̼e̺͉͖a̭r͎̜̻̯͖s̺ ̰͔a͚̗̰̞̺̣n͕̳̜̲̰̱̮ͅd̮ ̲̳͉̙̲̙a͖̞͕͍̗ ̝̲͖̖h͈͈̮͉̯̱̪a̺̖̼̘̯̳͕̼̩ḻ͚̩̰̪̻̞͙f̺̫̻̬͓̩͇̜ ̖̮a͎̯̣͍̻̲̺g̞͖̹̭̻͓̻̥ͅo̺̲̯͔̪̹͖̭.̭͓̮̖̞̞̜̩̮̖͚͍̮̟D̹̺̺͚͎͈a̱̫͕͕̩̞r̭̟̖̤͍̘e̫̞̞͉̖̮̳̣ ̼̱̜ͅn͙o͇̮̰̫̠̺t͕̱̜͎ ̟͕̩̼̙s̹a͖͉y͓̣ ͕̩̠̗t̟͈͍͚h͕͕͖̣̟a̤̹̯̗̪͕t̮̳͓ ͎̳̰̳̙̹͙ṃ̟͕̟ͅa̪̩n̥̲͇̺̞̖̰̫ ̫̖̯̜̼͖͖̼f̟̮̪̖̞o̯͉̝͚r̺̭̞͕g͕̹̤̖̣̤e͖̦̜̘t̺̮s̳̯̳̻̘̟ͅ ̻̜̻̱͉s͍͙̟͇̜̦̬͍o̬̪͔̟o̖̠̺͙̺̯̘͙n̼̫̥̮̬̜̞͖e̤̹͇͇̼r̬̻̰̻̻̹ͅͅ ͇̠ṭ̪̰͈̪̥͙̫h̫͕̙̞̟͍͖̺a̬̭̼̲n̹͙̮̹͚̘̞ ̜̺̤̪w͇̦͖̦͕ͅo̫̪̦͎̜̭m̜͕̹a͉͚̮̫n̪̥̣͖,̠̣ͅ ̺̺̪̠̮̘̮ͅͅ

t̫̳͎͙͎̩̹͕h̙̬̦̟̣̝̜̹a̟̠̖͍̜t̘̣͉͍̤̦̮ ͔̲̹̤̤̝̮͔̠h͖̲̲̣i̜̲͈ͅs̝̠̪̭̝̭̳ ̪̤͓̗̣̩̺l͔̺̱̼͇͕̩o͖̠͖͖v͓̫̤̲̬̳̳͔e̟̮͖̩̲̯̻ ̹͕h̼͚̠̘̺̖a̯̰s͍̹̠͔̠ͅ ̟͈̞̩̳͉̮ͅa͔̺̹̟̼̲̝̦n̳̖͕ ̣̗͍͎͇e͓͉̦̺ͅa͔̰r̠̺͖̝̗̼̼̘l̻̘͕̤̯̩̟̙i͔͚͙̠͓̥ẹ̯͙̼͙ͅr̲͈͉ ̣ḏ̲̯̟̪͇e̳͓̫̲̻͚a̯t̲̭̬̻̯̥̼̭h̠̘.͍̰ ͚͍

Ị̱̻ ̙̭͇̗̟̠͓̠h̲̳͎a͍̠̤̗̠̰̝v̙̘̖̼͖e̞̻̟̹̣̣̭ ̠̱͍̯͈l̹͇̗̣̙͈͈̩̰o͎̭̝v͈͕e̠̳̗͓͍̺ḓ͍͔̯̖̹̼ ̹̼̳͙̗̘̬n̳͕̰̻̲̰̖͉o̬͉n͚̭ͅe͚̮̯ ̺̺b̥̬̩̼̣͈̻̺͖u̫͖͖̦̪̜̠̱t̲̤͓̩ͅ ̙̮̣̜y͚͎̘̭̤̼̞̞o͔̩̭u̖̩͍̫̤͖.̠̬̞̰͍

[deztiel-archive]

[damonexuality]

After med school, I came home to Mystic Falls. It felt right. It’s where I wanted to grow old, and… I did. And that’s my life. Weird, messy, complicated, sad, wonderful, amazing and above all, epic…

Elena (Gilbert) Salvatore 8x16 → {I Was Feeling Epic}

[indesperateneedofahobby]

JENJEN I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE AROUND HERE AGAIN!!!

I’m really going to try this time to be here more, I swear!

[indesperateneedofahobby]

Anxiety really sucks. I went through a similar experience. It was really brave of you to speak about your growth. I hope you keep kicking ass.

Thank you!

[indesperateneedofahobby]

Let me tell you a story about anxiety and The Vampire Diaries

(It's REALLY long.) I was 11 when the TVD books were first published, all the way back in 1991 before most of you existed. I used to read them multiple times a week. I would act out Elena's death, sobbing every time. I owned the computer game! Then for almost 15 years there was nothing new from that world. New passions came. Buffy, Angel, Charmed, Veronica Mars. Big Brother. General Hospital. The Amazing Race. And things in the world, too. The 2008 and 2012 presidential elections consumed my life. I sometimes wondered at the things that became my obsessions - and vaguely asked myself if I was SUPPOSED to feel so tense and agitated all the time about things I loved. Then TVD the show came. The pilot got awful reviews. I figured it wouldn't last, but of course I was going to watch. And what did you know? It got really good. Amazing even. I was so proud that this special series from my childhood was getting rave reviews. I read all the recaps, started finding Tumblr pages; it was all good. Then in S3, I saw Elena hate creeping into fan posts and reviewer articles. Insidious, continuous, unfair in my opinion. I started to get defensive. I would fume over one sentence all day. Around 3x14 and 3x15 was really awful. Everything I read was vicious. We moved on, and S4 was here. Again, the hate was intense. The show itself even seemed to encourage it. I decided I wanted to add my voice to fandom to show Elena some love. I joined Tumblr. On the one hand, this was good. I now had an outlet to express my own opinion, and there were a lot of Elena lovers there. I curated my following list VERY carefully. I joined a chat group, made a bunch of casual friends, made one friend who is now one of my best friends, whom I've travelled the world with. So it seemed like maybe I had found a coping technique. Then the sire bond happened. Then no humanity Elena happened. Then torturing Elena to get her humanity back on happened. My Tumblr community imploded with some dropping DE totally, and some hanging on. Some of my favorite recappers who always "got" Elena soured on the show, and suddenly I didn't have those positive outlets anymore. Reviewers were hating the show more and more. A person I always liked on Twitter announced that she now found Elena the least interesting character on the show, and it actually hurt me. Then Kol's death happened and recappers (like someone whose name starts with P) literally called Elena the worst person on the show. It was bothering me. A LOT. I felt personally attacked. Watching the show wasn't fun. I would get sick to my stomach. I was glued to Tumblr, would search out every recap, hoping for some crumb of positivity. During this time, my grandmother was slowly deteriorating from a fall in her late 80s, and I was taking on extra work outside my prestigious but low paying full time job to pay for an expensive apartment. This matters for full context. May 5, 2013, was a Sunday. I had just finished my last big freelance project and could finally breathe for a moment. I went to a bar with some friends, had a good time and some drinks. I met a friend of a friend, we kind of hit it off, and I went to his place to "watch Game of Thrones." (This was before Netflix and chill.) We fooled around a bit, and then, feeling uncomfortable the whole time, I left. I felt odd, I felt dirty, I was just so bothered. But I was a 31-year-old adult so I tried to shake it off. I realized later that the stress of overwork and my feelings about this particular incident probably contributed to what followed. That Thursday, May 9, I was at work when I saw an article that Nian had broken up. For some reason, I was shocked. The thing is, I wasn't what I would call a shipper. I had had my suspicions over the years that they seemed like maybe they were dating, but I had never seen confirmation before joining Tumblr a few months before. I didn't follow news about them or anything. I didn't think I much cared. So why did it matter so much? I remembered I had once heard of a message board where an Atlanta insider posted info about the cast. I found it easily, and there she - and an entire board dedicated to Nian - was. For the next month, I spent every waking hour lurking there, reading every scrap of evidence and theory as to why the news was or wasn't true. Eventually, I made an account and joined in. I was known for my "Positivity List" - clues and evidence we had that suggested they had not broken up, at least not for good, or that at least they were still very good friends. Eventually over that summer of 2013 that board imploded. Trolls started joining in, criticism of Ian or Nina started becoming widespread which was against the rules anyway. A bunch of us left and started our own chat and that's where we stayed. During this time I could not eat. Food was sawdust. I literally couldn't bear to put it in my mouth, let alone chew and swallow. The most I could handle was a few pieces of bread or some pita chips. The sensation of an empty belly and slight dizziness became standard. My coworker would go walk the city with me every day at lunchtime looking for something I could force down. Most of the time we didn't find anything. At work I was completely disassociated in meetings, stopped talking to all my friends, and spent all my computer time on the board and in the chat room. By some miracle I was still able to get all my work done, but I truly think I was only able to do that because I was terrified of losing my job and having no income on top of everything else. I slept with my computer and woke up every 15 minutes to refresh and check for Nian news. I dropped from a size 14 to a size 6/8 in 5 months. I once spent 48 hours on my couch only moving to use the bathroom, and in those 2 days only ate 2 Oreos. I couldn't let my phone out of my hand - EVER. I checked it every 10 seconds, constantly refreshing pages in case news came out. This was everywhere - in meetings, at dinner. Being on the subway for my commute with no Internet gave me panic attacks. (Yeah, those happened sometimes too.) I honestly thought I was going insane. I KNEW it was ridiculous to be so invested in a couple of complete strangers but knowing that didn't change the feeling. I thought if we could get that one smoking gun that they were still together, I would suddenly be fine. One day a coworker came to me and asked what was going on with me. I mentioned that I felt fixated on this really random thing and my mind just kept going in circles. She immediately said, "I know what's wrong, and you need to go see your doctor." I went, and my doctor immediately said I had anxiety. She prescribed a very low dose of Prozac. I went home, started reading about Prozac, and fainted for the first time in my life. But I also felt relieved that someone had given me a scientific explanation for what was happening - I wasn't crazy, there was just a chemical imbalance in my brain! The first 2 weeks on my medication were a nightmare. I had read that side effects including depression were likely and that they had to be waited out, but there were times I just wanted to get up and start walking and never stop. (I thankfully never got to a suicidal place but that's dumb luck; I am not at all surprised that many people do.) I got a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder and upped my dosage, and things improved slightly, but not much. At this point a few family and friends knew of my diagnosis. They didn't know my trigger; I didn't talk about Nian. I was too ashamed. But I was in our chat room 24 hours a day talking about them and looking for new clues. That September my grandmother died. I was the only one in town when she did, and it was pretty much the most grief I've ever felt. The next day, my aunt and I were out shopping for funeral clothes when Us Weekly published an article that announced Nina and Derek Hough were dating. I immediately had a panic attack so bad that my aunt asked me if someone else had died. I had more panic attacks during that time over Nian than over my beloved grandmother. I beat myself up over that for a long time, but I've come to understand that it wasn't my fault. The rest of the fall proceeded like that. In January my doctor added a medication because the Prozac just wasn't doing enough. Well, this was the right cocktail (and is why you should never just quit when one medication isn't working for you, because a different dosage/brand/combination might). I started being able to eat normally again. I could concentrate better on work. I could avoid my phone for maybe 5 minutes at a time. I was not "cured," I was a long way from that, but I was becoming more functional. After 6 months I could actually believe that this feeling might not last forever. During this time I was very open with my chat group about my anxiety diagnosis, because I suspected that many of us who were this attached to Nian might also not realize that they were simply a trigger or symptom of a larger issue. It was nerve wracking to be so open about it, but I'm proud to say that because of it, several others went to their doctors and got diagnosed and are in much better places now. Everything was not magically OK. Early 2014 I was still obsessed. I KNEW Nian were still hooking up quietly through S5. (I still believe that in fact, purely based on evidence, but that's beside the point of this story.) So when Nikki popped up, I suffered a serious setback. Summer 2014 was hard. But it never got quite as bad as before, because I was on medication and because I understood more about how my anxiety worked. I was able to have a life. I eventually even was able to not check my phone for up to 30 minutes at a time. (Now I can go the whole length of a movie or plane ride.) When Nikki and Ian got married, I was on vacation. I spent that day in bed. I still remember the date - April 25, 2015. Almost two years of this anxiety crisis had been going on at that point. But the next day I got up and kept going. It didn't paralyze me anymore. All that time the same was happening with TVD. I started to work on ignoring Elena hate, and my medication helped me do that because my brain no longer fixated as much. It had space to breathe and to think about other things. I didn't like storylines in S5 and 6 but I tried not to let that consume my mood for days. I joined Twitter because I still wanted to have a voice about the show and it actually helped my anxiety - sometimes. Sometimes it was the opposite. Sometimes it still is. This May, it will be 4 years since my brain went haywire. Many things have happened since then. I've had more personal losses, I've traveled, I've made at least a half dozen friends specifically because of the whole Nian mess who I get to see all over the world. So that's certainly a positive. And of course, TVD finally ended. It's a relief for me. But the other thing I came to realize in that time is that TVD and Nian were not the cause. They were the symptom. When I look back on my life before 2013 I can now identify many other symptoms; many other times I fixated on a person, or a show, or an event, in a way that ultimately was unhealthy. So actually, I have to thank TVD, and Nian, and that one week in May, for triggering this crisis, because without it I might not have gotten help. And life is so much better with help. I write all this knowing some people will not understand. But I write it for the people who make it to the end who DO understand, and who need to hear that even these "unimportant" "dumb" things that stress you out MATTER. The question is what you do about it. And the answer is ASK FOR HELP. It's out there. And when you do, the one thing I want you to know is THIS FEELING WILL END. You won't feel this way forever. One day, it will be in the past, almost like a dream you can't clearly remember. I look at photos of myself from that time and it feels like it happened to someone else. But the person who came out the other side is someone I'm really proud of. Because I know now that neither the bad nor the good things are forever, and that you can't always just do it yourself. You are not crazy; it's not something you can just "get over." It's an illness like anything else. The other thing I want to say is, be open, as much as you're comfortable with. It matters that people are willing to talk about mental health. Be loud and proud about your struggles and your strength. You could save someone's life. Why did I write this now? Well, it matters now for a few reasons. One, with TVD over it felt like the right time to summarize what it meant to my life. The other is, the last year was very hard personally. I had a death in my family, I lost my job, and then Trump won the election. I've backslid a bit into some depression and some fixating. On the one hand, the future of this country NEEDS my focus so some fixating feels necessary; on the other hand, I need to find a balance so I can still have a life. So it's still a challenge. Anxiety doesn't go away. It will always be a part of me. But it's not ME. And knowing that makes such a difference. So, tl;dr, a TV show and a celebrity couple helped me diagnose my anxiety and get the help I needed. And I want you to know that because I never want you to think your passions are trivial or deserve to be mocked by others who don't understand them. They can change your life.

[wondercanaerys]

Fortunately you have no shortage of loved ones. [damon’s ver.]