[ineloquence]

I almost messaged you.

But what the hell would I say?

I miss you.

I miss us.

What would that help anyway?

We aren't friends.

Not even close.

And maybe that's the whole fucking point.

That you ruined our friendship and I only need you when I'm broken.

Because I hardly think about you when I'm feeling okay again.

I need someone to talk me through when I'm hopeless.

But that hasn't been you in a decade,

So why am i hoping?

[ineloquence]

I cut my hair and it didn't help,

There's not enough control.

But it's crazy to go red overnight to convince myself I'm whole.

I can only change so much of my shell before it shatters into shards.

If only cutting midnight bangs could cure my broken heart.

[ineloquence]

I find myself crying for reasons I can't explain.

Am I just hormonal,

Or is something broken in my brain?

The tears, they flow as suddenly as I can wipe them away.

Are they here just for a moment?

Or will I always feel this way?

[ineloquence]

The heaviness of the rain makes me miss you so much more,

I'm sat here wondering if you're safe and if you're warm.

Or if it's even raining wherever you might be,

And if you're thinking similar thoughts about me.

[ineloquence]

Im home.

If you can call it that when my heart is miles away.

An ocean between us,

Each of us counting down the days,

Until you're back,

Safe, and in my arms,

I'll keep your pillow warm.

[ineloquence]

I dont know how to explain to my husband that i feel unsafe when a man i dont know wants my number.

Wants my name.

Wants to know if I live around here.

I dont know how to explain that him asking "Did something happen?" feels like a belittlement to my fears.

Because yes,

Something did happen.

A man approached me.

Told me I was beautiful.

Insisted we keep in touch because I was simply nice to him.

But I didn't know how to say no because women have been hit with bricks for something so small.

But I could not say yes and be polite because I did not want this man to have my name or number or home address just because I was kind and he found be beautiful.

I do not know how to say that i am simply tired of going outside only to repeat this process over and over again.

That no amount of mace or ammo or self defense classes will make me feel safe.

So yes something happened.

I was scared and couldn't do anything except try to puzzle my way out alive.

[ineloquence]

3 years full of pretending,

All those days filled so with lies,

That I let you love this girl,

Whom I crafted before your eyes.

It's not that she wasn't me,

At one point she could have been,

But by the time you met her,

That point of my life had come to end.

I fear you're falling for a ghost.

Shattered dreams and memories,

What once was but never will again.

You cling so tightly to the past,

You dont see me,

But who i was before.

The girl that you hold so very dear,

She doesnt live here anymore.

[ineloquence]

A whiff of familiarity on the breeze,

Emotions bring me to my knees,

You were here with me,

If only for a moment.

[ineloquence]

My mother went gray at an early age,

As did her mother,

Neither making it out of their 20s unscathed,

Whether outside factors or familial trait,

I'm not quite ready for this fate,

I plucked my first gray hair today.

[ineloquence]

I'm unsure if the rain fills the silence,

Or amplifies it,

But I do know it makes me miss you just that much more

[ineloquence]

And here we go again,

Another growing distance,

You think I'd be used to the emptiness by now,

But this time feels so different.

[ineloquence]

April is a loneliness I've met before.

Though this year seems different,

Am I less lonesome or so much more?

It is familiar,

And yet I find myself afraid.

Perhaps it is the sunny days I find myself missing you the most,

The sunny rays highlight the dark spots that the rain so easily hides away.

In the storms I lose sense that I myself am dark,

But I cannot hide this away underneath the daylight spark.

I miss you.

[ineloquence]

I'm not suicidal

Or ideating,

But I'm often caught in thought,

Where I wonder is it worth it,

And what if it is not?

[ineloquence]

I wonder about you often,

Of the what ifs,

The might have beens,

Of who I am,

And who I was,

And if I'll ever meet her again.

[ineloquence]

We walked the line a thousand times

Tiptoeing across a tightrope with our eyes squeezed shut.

Never did we dare to peek for fear of what we'd see.

Because we knew all along that I wasn't meant for you and you were never right for me.

[ineloquence]

Half my life and all of yours,

That's how long I've loved you for.

And though you're gone,

My love remains,

In aching hearts and tears that stain,

The memories, the photographs,

The touch of you just out of grasp,

All of yours and the rest of mine,

I'll love you until the end of time.

[ineloquence]

An empty heart,

That fading spark,

The way you looked at me.

And suddenly I couldn't breathe,

Nothing meant anything.

Your kiss was just a motion,

And I felt nothing there.

I cried because I didn't know why I didn't care.

It didn't fade away overnight,

But I knew that it was dying.

I did what I could to pretend,

Force myself into smiling

I held out longer than I should,

But I'd swam too far from shore,

When I looked back, hoping to be saved,

You weren't that safety anymore.