Dear A
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.. I’m unsure if it’s because I’m lonely. But I find myself thinking of you.. thinking of how I wish we were on good terms . I feel a lot of shame for what I put you through and should be over you. It’s been 6 years and still I dream about you. I wonder if you ever think of me or dream of me. I hope my yearning for you reaches you in your dreams. They say when you dream of someone it means they’re thinking of you… I hope it’s true because I think about you a lot.
I stalked your tumblr. I Scrolled all the way to 2020 to see if you mentioned me at all but you did not. I read some of your highschool/early college posts and I feel terrible because I know some of them were about me. I was a terrible gf and I wish I could’ve been better. I wish I was mature enough back then to realize I had BPD and worked on it .
I remember the last time we talked I think you said you were tired, that I’d break up with you . And that’s true you don’t deserve to be put through that. I was so immature and depressed at that time so I even tried to take my own life. I felt so much shame when I woke up in the hospital. I remember even telling the nurse I had nothing to live for because I was thinking about you. Looking back I was dramatic and shouldve found a better way to cope with your rejection . But even still . I miss you. I sadly hold a lot of anger and grief towards you because I am mostly angry at myself for what I put you through.
I remember I tried to drunk call you and your gf at the time picked up and I was honest with her that I was just drunk and missed you . .. idk
I think about when I saw your tinder profile a few years later and swiped right hoping you’d have done the same but as soon as it didn’t say we matched I deleted my account and everything because I was ashamed and sad.
That Same week I had saw you on the bus and on my walk home after I remember my stomach feeling sick and anxious.
I guess I’m just lost. So much has happened since we parted ways.
I hate to admit but I fear i was so immature and scared of my feelings ..
After all this time .. all the heart breaks I’ve been though these last 6 years.
I still want you.
I apologize for all the pain I’ve caused you
