#infertilityistheworst

[infertilityistheworst]

I swear to God.

If I hear one more joke about the baby boom after quartine . . .

I WISH I had that problem. Trust me, being locked up in the same house isn’t going to solve our issue. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

[infertilityistheworst]

Still feeling like I’m hiding some Tragic Flaw . . .

Another clinic, another doctor, more tests, no answers

Finally had my initial consultation at my new specialist in Toronto. My husband and I spent all morning going through another round of tests. Many of which we’ve already done. But hey, why not. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Without going into detail, the one gift infertility has given me is a total lack of shame. I have been in more embarrassing, uncomfortable and humiliating situations than you could dream up in your worst social nightmare. So there’s that as a win I guess.

Our day ended with the exact same news we started with- unexplained infertility. There is absolutely no reason that a couple as ‘young’ and ‘healthy’ as us shouldn’t have a child. Except . . . IT’S BEEN ALMOST THREE YEARS. 🙄

While I guess it’s better than being diagnosed with a problem, it is beyond frustrating to not be given a solution. I feel like I have some hidden flaw that no one can see and I’m really great at covering up (so good that I don’t even know that it’s there).

The other good bit of news - we got added to the list for funded IVF.

The wait is about 14 months.

I’m sure the time will just fly by.

Anyone have a time machine?

[infertilityistheworst]

Just don’t look . . .

I can already feel it, that end of year panic setting in. This time of year for infertile couple is the actual worst. For two reasons.

1) Families are always so damn happy together, and they really want you to know. In a holiday that centers around children, it can be impossible to navigate through social media without being suffocated by ‘my kids are the light of my life’ posts.

2) Year end reviews. This one is arguably worse then the first because it’s internal. As much as you shut down external stimuli, deep down you still know that you failed at the one thing you worked towards all year . . .

So while I have not nearly had enough wine to tackle the second reason, my solution to the first is ‘Just don’t look.’ If I avoid social media this week, and there’s no one to look at the 87 photos of their child opening presents, the monsters lose all their powers, right?

So from now until the 27th I will be in my basement, drinking wine and having a Harry Potter marathon. See you on the other side!

[infertilityistheworst]

Eyes on the prize . . .(got a good feeling about Plan L)

Plan A: Get pregnant the first month we try

Plan B: Get pregnant within the first three months (like 68%  of couples)

Plan C: Take my temperature every morning and use graphs to figure out when I’m ovulating. Science solves everything right.

Plan D: Begin taking a plethora of vitamins daily, must be a chemical thing.  This includes hubby too. 

Plan E: Start carrying a rose quartz crystal in my bra everyday, must be a spiritual thing.

Plan F: Accept medical help is needed, join waitlist at fertility clinic

Plan G: Get pregnant using oral medications, daily hormone and follicle monitoring (give yourself three cycles of this).

Plan H: Get pregnant using injections, daily hormone and follicle monitoring (give yourself three cycles of this).

Plan I: Get pregnant during first IUI attempt (including hormone injections and daily monitoring)

Plan J: Get pregnant during second IUI attempt (including hormone injections and daily monitoring)

Plan K: Get pregnant during third IUI attempt (including hormone injections and daily monitoring)

Plan L: IVF (eventually)

Been off the grid for a bit trying to cope with our reality.

What I did know (somewhere in the back of my mind): IVF was always a possible endgame.

What I did not know: How long the road to IVF is.

Hubby and I made the decision to make the jump, so I can just start next month right (we’ve already ben trying for 29 cycles). 

Turns out the wait for the IVF specialist is 4 months.  And the waitlist in Ontario right now for a semi-funded cycle is between 8 months to 18 months and can only be joined after your first consultation.

So to sum up my current fertility prospects in one image:

[infertilityistheworst]

Babies are ruining all my favourite holidays (just call me a cynical bastard)

*Second seriously salty rant ahead. Don’t read if you are a serial baby photo poster. You’ve been warned . . .

My relationship with my husband is one of the things in my life that I couldn’t be happier with at the moment. Infertility has brought us closer in an ‘us against the world’ kind of way. So with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all being a struggle this year, I was really looking forward to Valentine’s Day . . . until it happened.

Opening up social media today and it seems that Valentine’s Day has morphed into yet ANOTHER kid centered holiday (like we didn’t have enough already). Every post I see has a baby adorned in hearts, or covered in kiss marks (and a pregnancy announcement, seriously ?!?) All read captions like ‘My one true love’ or ‘He has my heart.’ Husbands are you mad about this? Because my first nine posts today were mom and baby only, no mention of a spouse. Did you all collectively forget Valentine’s Day and anger your wives, or are you just forgotten?

Deep down I know I should just be grateful that I am in a happy and committed relationship today. I am so blessed in that way. Really I think I was just looking forward to one holiday that didn’t automatically link love and happiness to having a child.