Infinite Saudade

Purgatorial purging by Britt Warner.

[infinite-saudade]

these conquests idealized

don't compare to the real deal

and i don't feel the need

to write about my love

cuz i'm secure in how i feel

[infinite-saudade]

LUNA TICK

()

parentheses

containing my mouth

and the thoughts it wishes to express

but can't

parentheses

embracing my mortality

yet unable to complete the circle

round the obesity of obstinacy

parentheses

protecting my innermost

needs and desires

fears and insecurities

parentheses

mooning my mirror

relaxed in the crescent phase

that precedes old age

()

[infinite-saudade]

HINDSIGHT IN TIME FOR 2020

Dear L___,

It's unlikely that you still have this email address and even less likely that you ever want to hear from me again, should I hit SEND; however, I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the pain I caused. That we caused. I loved you more than I ever thought possible. I constantly pushed you away out of fear. Felt abandoned when you joined the army. Couldn't see the other side, had we stayed together. Nearly a decade later, I feel like I'm still processing from an unseen realm that never made it to the archives.

It's been a long road of individuation. The responsibility that had been thrust upon me from childhood to caretake not only my siblings but my mentally ill mother made it feel necessary to embark on my own hero's journey, the one you couldn't accompany me for...though I had no way of being able to articulate that back then or fully understand it. I'm far from having it all figured out or unfucking my specific programming, but I've seen and experienced the full spectrum and grown in ways that have led to self-acceptance and gratitude. As you undoubtedly have, too. Rest assured, I've carried tremendous feelings of guilt and shame, certain that everything you said was right, that it was I who abandoned you---even though that does minimize my own experience of it being the other way around, monkey-brain-wise. I've beaten myself up and heaped punishments on my shoulders that no other individual could compete with. Self-sabotaged. Despaired. And at long last, mostly triumphed, in the quiet little ways that matter most. It lingers, though, this remorse over how it all went down. 

I am not asking you to forgive me. I can not expect a response nor desire a result over which I have no control. I can forgive me, though. I can forgive you and us and the whole mess of two young adults trying to find their footing in a world that had gifted us with such poor examples of how to do it right or even well. How to love unconditionally and resolve to work through absolutely anything our emotions or circumstances could throw at us.

The irony is, I continue to love you unconditionally. I do. All of the fearful details have blurred and softened to leave nothing but the love.

I hope you are living the life of your dreams, are happy and healthy and fulfilled. That the love in your current life is abundant and profound. I forgive me for hurting you and I forgive you for hurting me and I know that I am a better person today because you were once a man I could depend on. Laugh with. Believe in. I love you immensely and I will love you until the end of time. Thank you for sharing time and space with me on this salty rock. Thank you for marrying me. Thank you for letting me go.

Merry Christmas. B____

[infinite-saudade]

ANXIOUS ATTACHED

rain falls and i can't breathe

deeper than shallow

inhalations,

strangled by the hand

of anxiety,

a familiar ache

between my

shoulders

and

neck.

"i'll reset my programming,"

i tearfully tell my sister

over the phone,

both of us home alone.

"again."

i know i'm a computer

and it kills me.

i know i chose this avatar

and what a lovely one it is

but how flawed.

that annoying bubble

keeps popping up

in the top right corner

of the glowing screen,

nagging me to update.

"remind me tomorrow,"

i say today.

i said yesterday.

i said the day before.

i'll say tomorrow,

when i'm reminded again.

because it's an inherited machine

and i don't have the password

to the app store

and so the effort to update

results in a stalemate

and i feel even more frustrated

when i can't gain access

to the refinement

to the improvement

to the solution

that will make me better.

i don't get to be better.

i do my best.

and it kills me.

[infinite-saudade]

FRIEND ZONE

could it be as obvious as the

subtly surgically-altered

jewish nose on my

gracefully aging face?

you, my friend,

have never asked me out

on an actual date.

one or both of us

has had a murky mate

since we met.

this will be the first time

we're single simultaneously.

the attraction is there

and always has been

but now i love you

like family

like a part of me

and i'd hate for that to end

should i swing and miss

at making you my boyfriend.

it hurt more than i care to admit

when i tried that with jaleel

and he wasn't having it.

you are the most generous

and thoughtful man i know

and have a way of making me

feel cared for

in the actions you show.

but what if the timing

still isn't right?

what if our wavelengths

never align?

it's not fair for me

to project fantasies onto you

that are solely mine

or idealize our connection

when perfection's

hard to find.

you should have a rebound

or two

and i'd do well to remember

not to limit my vision

not to chase but meet halfway

not to want what's unavailable

because it feels so safe

for a woman

who's afraid of getting

trapped.

but if you pursue

beyond the long lunches

and accidental touches

i will let you catch me

while appearing to remain

just out of reach.

[infinite-saudade]

SUSHI GEN

my screech owl mariachi midnight wind down

wishing for a few pounds less

and too many seconds more.

idle time on my hands

tread underfoot

as the sirens pierce the saturday seconds.

i can barely keep my eyes open

and hardly know why i resist.

i stave off these mini deaths

like a pleasure delayer

obsessed with the teasing tip

of dreams yet to come

because it will intensify the plunge

if i build it up first.

she was all cheeks and teeth

when she smiled up at me,

her heart-shaped face beaming

with a love i wanted more of.

so beautiful.

i feel calmer than i have in weeks,

thinking about those cheeks and teeth

and the way her eyes crinkled up

as they twinkled out

and how good it was to make her happy.

[infinite-saudade]

CUMIN DOWN

why the anxiety?

why the shift

when i'd been flying high?

i can simplify again,

go back to square one

but i'd rather move forward

and learn a new approach.

how to cope.

how to hope.

how to span the scope

of the horizon

with wings

that heal faster

than they can flee.

[infinite-saudade]

WHEN WE MET

i kissed you on the mouth

instead of saying hello,

surprising both of us

not unpleasantly (i hope).

the bar was empty.

it felt like we connected

and i’ve connected plenty

times to know.

you gave me a ride home

in your jeep.

i said you could come in

if you could find parking

on the darkened street.

i may have helped you win.

i wanted you to come in.

cuz i’m tired of pretending

that i care what people think.

there’s no shame,

no more fucks to give,

i’m as motherfucking free

as the glass of water 

you ask for

but aren’t gonna drink.

we make out on the couch,

then get naked in my bed.

you wanna eat me out

and i want out of my head.

it’s like you found out

the fountain of youth

was between every woman’s legs

and you were dying to live forever

on more than steak and eggs.

your tongue and lips and hands

and fingertips were painting me

a new reality

and the journey

was a fucking masterpiece.

my breaths deepened and i 

touched upon a plane of ecstasy

that felt robust

because i’d trusted you to 

take me there

and you did.

i came from the depths

of my body,

independent of my brain

at long last.

it lasted long.

you held on

and knew

it was a victory.

you crawled up and kissed me

on my smiling mouth

and smiled back at me.

laughing softly.

you wouldn’t permit me to return the favor,

not yet at least,

insisting “let yourself enjoy this”

ever so gently

and thanking me

for letting you 

take me

there.

[infinite-saudade]

Q OVER Q

it doesn't make sense to

keep up the pretense

or prolong the inevitable

by extending our lifespan

but damn

you're the kind of man

i wanted to meet

and get to keep

[infinite-saudade]

LECH GO

gracias a ti

para

loving me,

if only for

a day physically,

but an eternity

in our hearts

[infinite-saudade]

BEACHWOOD BEAU

hazel eyes like mine

we look alike

they say attraction

often happens that way

full moon on friday

the thirteenth

parking's a bitch

but then i find

the perfect space

cabernet sauvignon

orville's playing

naked dance party

in your living room

you get better with age

like a fine wine

i wanna drink you up

i'm too drunk to feel the rush

i'm too drunk to feel much

but i like kissing you

and your smell has always

felt like home

black walls of your bedroom

white ceiling to stare at

while i'm reeling

you wanna take your time

"especially because it's you"

and you do

but time is immeasurable

i just want you inside me

and the pleasure is shocking

when our bodies are joined

piercing through the numbness

but it's too hard to come like this

and i don't let you get off if i can't

because i'm cruel

and because i want us

to have unfinished business

that you feel compelled to

pursue

because no one fits

like you do

and yet

it's been nine years

since we met

something's always held us back

my heart races as i lie awake in your bed

unable to sleep through

a strange anxiety

that i can't trust the man

who's snoring beside me

and my intuition never lies

i can never get off or pass out

when i don't feel safe

whether alcohol's involved or not

even with someone as hot

as you, true love eludes

my Beau Grandview.

[infinite-saudade]

ACIDIC

you have entered a dream world

and nothing seems real anymore.

we all exist in our own dimensions,

bubble boys and bubble girls

colliding without grasping

the other's gravity accurately.

you have been cracked open

and your yolk is spilling

all over the damn place.

voices dip in and out of your muck

like strips of toast, soaking up

the nutrients and enjoying the yellow taste

as you remain mostly silent.

there were so many thorns lodged

in places you couldn't reach

and now they've been extracted.

it feels vulnerable to have open spaces.

you resist the urge to plug the punctures

with defense mechanisms

and are able to feel again

in the absence of their burden.

trauma is clutter.

letting go is emotional.

it's okay to be emotional.

you are now experiencing

the physicality

of what you previously

only intellectualized

without embodying.

and then some.

wow.

you are unraveling and it's alternately

hilarious

and exhausting

to be alive.

participating in conversations

feels like a huge undertaking.

it's easier to listen,

though annoying to realize

how many know-it-alls there are

who love to hear themselves talk

and will continue droning

if you don't interrupt.

big babies pontificating.

it's draining.

they sop up your runny yolk snot

until there's just the shell,

cracked open and pillaged.

it's okay.

it's part of the letting go process.

tears, wow.

what a wondrous dream.

you can feel it building towards

something more beautiful than anything

you've ever experienced before.

you trust the journey

and are patient with the child,

her thorny fears inflamed

once dislodged from those

hard to reach places.

she wasn't protected.

you can protect her now,

safe within the dream of your dimension.

it's safe to feel scared.

it's safe to feel safe.

finally.

you float and we float

and collide without grasping, exactly,

but connect just enough to get by.

[infinite-saudade]

MICRO/MACRO

take acid.

eat a steak...

or don't, cuz you're vegan.

masturbate to procrastinate.

edit guitar takes.

sit in a chair backwards.

resent people who chew gum,

decide they're all cowards.

record voice notes of a new country song

you're fixin' to finish writin'.

send it to your best friend in brooklyn.

flirt with a guy you used to fuck

via instagram dms.

tell him to make you a steak.

laugh at his excitement.

feel bad for wanting a steak.

resent chia seeds.

call your brother,

become aware of your altered state.

wonder if you'll ever create again

from start to finish

or leave everything incompl---

go to sleep.

[infinite-saudade]

OFF THE 101

she'd curled her salon-blonde hair

and spritzed Pleasures

onto the pulse points.

i watched her touch up

her makeup

in the visor mirror

of the little red Toyota pickup

that had been in the family for years.

"stay here" uttered

as she got out

and the door slammed shut.

i watched her walk away

on strappy cork platforms,

tugging and smoothing her mini dress,

blonde curls blowing

in the non-existent summer breeze

of calabasas, california.

she grew smaller and then

disappeared into the building.

i waited in that hot truck

for what felt like hours.

there were not yet cell phones nor tablets

to facilitate the murder of time

and i hadn't the foresight to bring a book.

this is how an imagination develops.

it is a coping mechanism,

the last of the great survival instincts.

i've created and abandoned countless worlds

in the name of self-preservation.

i wondered and tried not to wonder

what she was doing

within the bowels of that car dealership.

she returned with the keys

to a yellow Mercedes, circa 1980s,

not yet vintage,

not yet cool,

not practical considering

there were only five seats

and six of us.

practicality was rarely the consideration.

her face was triumphant,

a huntress with her kill.

[infinite-saudade]

SIGHLENCE

the truth lies

in the breaths we take

b

e

t

w

e

e

n

the nonsense we utter

[infinite-saudade]

WD40

in the new regime,

i'm still a cog in the old machine.

arthritic joints and taut tendons

strain against the pain of labor.

in service of a dream i didn't choose.

but if the screws come loose,

square pegs clattering to the floor,

freed from the round holes

in which they were forced,

what shape will i take

when i no longer conform?

[infinite-saudade]

LV IS BLND

my true love is pushing

on a door that says "pull"

and

i'm on the other side

staring at my reflection

in the mirrored glass