what a bloody awful day. work was stressy and i was so close to actually shouting at someone today... i have never shouted at anyone in work, ever.
i didn't get home from my bar shift last night until 1:30am, and the last time I remember looking at the time was 4:03am still not having slept. fuck all sleep, no time to make sacklunch, my vacuum has given up and i can't afford another. tired. hungry. skint. filthy house.
it's the first month without financial help on my house. by financial help, i mean my guy moved out last month. i was struggling to make ends meet then, only fuck knows how i'm gunna hold it together until the end of my tenancy agreement. he did offer to continue to contribute towards the house, but i could tell it was in pity, so i waved off his offer. so alas, i'm paying for a super expensive one bed place in surrey.
ultimately, still, all i can think about is him. back when i had to get a second job as a bartender first time round, he was awake when i got home. happy to hear about my day. rubbed my feet when they were sore. made endless cups of tea. happy kisses and smiles as soon as i was in the door. playing computer games together even though it was stupid o'clock. these are the things that go through my mind almost constantly. his little references to our hypothetical future wedding or future kids. the kind of life we were planning together, the life we had already built.
i'm pretending every single day that i'm okay, but i'm not. it's "only" been six weeks but he's all i want and all i wish and hope for. i miss him. my mother asked me if it was him that i actually missed or if i was just lonely. i proceeded to tell her that i used to give him a hard time constantly for using the same spoon for his coffee and sugar - there was always coffee in the sugar jar. it drove me up the wall, and i don't know why. i hate myself when i think back to how in some ways i wasn't a great girlfriend. all i wanted was for him to be happy and i guess he's happy now that he's gone. but... i miss finding coffee in the sugar jar.
in those six weeks, i've already been hit on/asked out by seven different friends on mine. it makes me feel a bit ill, thinking about it. have these people been secretly hoping this break up would happen? do they just want to be the rebound? worse, do they actually want to be in a relationship with me? like i said, vomit. i hate men. i hate being single. i'm so angry at him for doing this to me, but...
i want my boy back. i want to love him and feel loved. i want to listen to him talk about his day. i want to spend every weekend hanging out with his amazing family, and every spare night just me and him.
vaporwave
kaledo-art
pixelskylines
yousharknotpass
blakekathryn
snowghoul
janainaart
germansingergirl
