ink dystopia

words, drafts, and notes by angel

[inkdystopia]

my constant

perhaps there is a reason i had to break.

where each piece felt gone for good,

and i feared i could never be whole again.

but maybe i was never meant for wholeness.

maybe i was meant to be many versions of myself,

to live more than one life in a single body.

perhaps i had to break to reach beyond one place,

to shed my skin and touch the bone of who i am.

perhaps that is the truth of me—

to keep transforming, again and again.

[thertg]

We could go on —

but we won't.

Our hearts are too weary

from sipping the sun

of dream-filled nights

before the crawling light

of morning's blazing break.

We could go on —

but we won't.

We long to scrape out our hearts

and hang them out to dry

from the bruised bedpost

that leans awkwardly in

the heavy and heated air.

We could go on —

but we won't.

And as we stare into nothingness

our knowing fills the spaces

between our heads and our toes

until the uncomfortable quiet

becomes too much to bear.

We could go on —

but we won't.

We never do.

—RTG

[longestnight]

snow covers old tire tracks. no more cars pass. frozen dirty water like a thick white film, and a black stirring beneath it. a murder. or an unkindness.

[inkdystopia]

I entered the building, bearing the weariness caused by sleep deprivation and the endless loop of discomfort. People were already gathered there, talking, huddled in groups trying to validate their own existence. They talked about the past, how their day went. Last year. Last week. Yesterday. A few seconds ago. They talked about the absurdity of their time fueled by irrational decisions. They talked about the present. How they looked. How they felt at the moment. The crippling anxiety of the future. A collective feeling of concern in the present moment projected towards the next day. They talked about the future. I hated it. Because unlike them, I was unable to even think about it. Or maybe I am, it's just too much for me to even comprehend. The lines were blurred, making it hard to see whether it was genuine or not. I have never felt such a stranger before. It is as if I am excluded not just from the room but from my own body as well. It feels like I was disassembled, from my bones to my flesh, my flesh to my skin, my skin to my soul. And I was watching myself disintegrate in the hallway. It's cold, and I seek the warmth of my own body. Of when I feel complete again. Of when I feel my own skin attached again. Of when I am once again whole.

-angel | rarest day on earth

[inkdystopia]

vs everything

At long last, 19-year-old June seized the opportunity to break free from the stifling embrace of her neglectful relatives, finding solace and newfound freedom within the walls of her own apartment. As she embarked on her journey towards independence, fate intervened in the form of Robbie, her neighbor whose magnetic charm instantly captivated June's heart. Yet, amidst the allure of his presence, June discovered a gaping chasm that spanned the expanse between their worlds, leaving her to grapple with the realization that despite their connection, they're thousands of skies apart.

-angel | vs everything, the synopsis

[inkdystopia]

You shouldn't have taught me how to open my eyes and stretch them out far in the horizon if you're just going to cut off my limbs and tell me that it's for my own sake.

your blood drowns me more than ocean.

-angel | i should've told her

[inkdystopia]

I count the times where I let you win and I invalidate my right to compete.

-angel | i should've told her

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

healing involves a lot more grieving than you’d expect. progress hurts. you’re moving on from things that happened but also things you wished would happen and never did. mourning does not mean you are not getting better.

[inkdystopia]

I still grieve from the death of my old self. I Iong to see her again, to wear the same smile she had. But I know I needed this to move forward for if I let it all consume me, I will never be able to remember her.

[inkdystopia]

She has always like the melancholy of the rain and how it activates the scent of the earth. It is a proof of life.

Funerals smell like this, too.

-angel | the scent of life and death

[inkdystopia]

I have always thought that my purpose in life was to seek things beyond and conquer my limitations. After practicing that belief, I have discovered various things within myself, it's like my senses have been awakened, and I have become more aware of my surroundings.

But I was wrong.

I wasn't aware of my surroundings, I was just looking forward, too much that I forgot how vast life truly is. At some point, the things that I desired were lost in the way, like the instant touch of autumn leaves during fall.

When are we going to stop chasing the things that weren't meant for us?

-angel

[inkdystopia]

If we're nothing but vessels of our thoughts and emotions, then why do we still feel empty inside? When I see stars, why do I feel lost? Why do I doubt if I made things right?

-angel | dystopia

[inkdystopia]

"Let me see all the things that I was supposed to see. Light up the darkness that I was never meant to."

- Luke Hemmings, Comedown | When Facing the Things We Turn Away From

[inkdystopia]

I lie awake at night, longing for feelings that I have always failed to understand. But maybe, just maybe, I wasn't supposed to comprehend, or to force it to my senses.

am I lost or what?

-angel

[inkdystopia]

How would you feel if I told you that I've always wanted leave?

please, forgive me.

-angel | i should've told her

[inkdystopia]

"Perhaps I’m in love with the cosmos itself."

- Robbie | vs everything

by angel

[inkdystopia]

My hands trembled with the same intensity as when I first encountered the question.

"It's my turn," he exclaimed, his voice filled with eager anticipation. I swallowed hard before mustering the courage to read the question aloud.

"Have you ever been in love?" As the words left my lips, I observed the transformation of his cheery demeanor into one of profound contemplation. He paused, his gaze drifting upward to the vast expanse of the sky.

Before he could respond, a sudden gust of wind whisked away the small slip of paper I held.

"Well, that's bascially littering," he remarked, a playful twinkle in his eye.

"So… are you going to answer or leave me in suspense?" I inquired, a hint of playful impatience in my tone.

"Hmm, I suppose," he mused, his expression thoughtful.

"I suppose?" I echoed, curiosity piqued, awaiting his explanation.

With a wistful sigh, he began, "The sky, the stars… everything out there, whether discovered or lost. Perhaps I'm in love with the cosmos itself. Or maybe it's the mere notion of someone reaching out to hold my hand… but ultimately…"

"Robbie…" I interjected softly, a sense of urgency tinged with affection in my voice.

Meeting my gaze, his smile faded, replaced by a profound sadness as he continued.

"But you see, it's the allure of the unknown, the pull of the universe. I yearn to explore, to discover. I am but a mere observer, a spectator in the grand scheme of things. And yet, it is this vastness, this tiny fraction of existence that captivates me."

Unable to contain my emotions any longer, I confessed, "Robbie, you are my universe."

A pained expression crossed his face as he whispered, "I'm sorry."

- angel | vs everything, an inexistent book i'll never finish

[inkdystopia]

: i will never let this view fade into oblivion : where the stars are piled up on my favor. : i stared at your features : they were as bright as this summer night. : your laugh : it sounds like a trigger : for me to say what i truly felt : but i don't want to ruin this moment.

me to who?

-angel