Inked Fervor

Gibberish thoughts of a disorderly mind.

[inked-fervor]

Em[ocean]s

Emotions gave me the impression as if sailing in the middle of a vast blue sea.  It has always been a mystery, like deep ocean—profound and erratic. Whereas, I would be the seafarer paddling on a tiny boat, vulnerable to the madness and unpredictability of what lies underneath.  

The ocean is ruthless as it is tranquil. It is filled with uncertainty and the unknown. There are times that I fail to remember how to steer my sail that it often sends me swirling along with harsh tides and strong currents. It feels as though there’s a never ending storm, so eager to topple me off my boat to let me drown and get engulfed by ravaging waves.

Storms and whirlpools would frequently come by as I have foreseen them. I got accustomed to what seemed so unpredictable that it became unsurprising. I have grown used to the rhythmic pattern of waves and dark skies that it became something so familiar; making me think drowning wouldn’t feel half as bad as getting through each and every waves. As if the entire ruckus that has conspired in this vast ocean of mine is something I have long conquered.

Yet every once in a while, there would come a colossal wave, a sudden surge of emotion that no matter how much I anticipated for it to come, I will never be able to brace myself from. A rare occurrence which leaves me mangled in disarray—lost in the middle of the insufferable ocean.

However, the ocean is also, tranquil as it is ruthless. There will certainly come a brief moment of silence, the time for recollection and stability. The happy and tender times, the moment to rest and to release a sigh of relief where I can lay down my aching heart to witness the dark sky dispersing replaced with the vast blue waters reflecting the splendor of light, grasping the scenery of an ocean once filled with hurls of turmoil turn into a beautiful and calming panorama.

The reason why I have overcome many relentless tidal waves all this time is because the view I have always yearned for, would always come after disastrous storms. It is beautiful as it is always short-lived. But, for the briefest second, it made me want to keep going. It made me wish to stay beneath the surface for a little bit longer in hopes to witness the calm, to anticipate the gentle caress of the ocean many times over.

[inked-fervor]

I've heard your voice a million times.

It's reached the point where I’d recognize you—

in a crowd that calls my name.

I'll know it’s you, as quick as a heartbeat.

For four years, I’ve listened to you sing,

every night, like a broken record.

The warmth in your voice fuels my heart,

and the fire never seems to fade.

Some say it must be a bore,

to be so used to someone—

knowing every corner, every detail, every inch, every flaw—

leaving no surprises, nothing left to offer.

But we've been the constant in a world of change.

Witnessing the thousand births and deaths of us,

we become living testaments,

to each other's existence.

[manlywamen]

I've spent my whole life desperate to bloom, to make people glance at me although it's pointless. By the grace of the Gods, if they give me the tiniest amount of warmth, I'd wear the stupidest smile and thank them for the halfhearted embrace after years of bitter coldness. Even the ones laced with malice— the ones that offer a piece of bread as they sink their teeth into my neck and drain me completely— I'd devour that bread like a starving dog. I have hugged those inside my home that violated me all these years. What could possibly go wrong?

And it didn't matter if it's the barest minimum. It didn't matter whether the love was pure or not. I'd feel guilty for lapping up the tiniest amount of love, like I've stolen something obviously not meant for me. As if the "love" from all the violence I've been through is the only love I deserve.

"I have felt permanently guilty for no reason since I was 8 years old"

As if wanting to be loved is a sin.

-

I used the phrase I saw on IG reels as a writing prompt.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C-h5vajSzCm/?igsh=MW9zNGh5YzlrM2Nmag==

[letters-to-dreamers]

I like your name

But it reminds you of your father

Broken promises

Shattered trust

Words that sting

Actions that bruise

I like your name

But to you it has never been yours

[bebsi-cola]

you know as disabled people it's actually pretty scary that you can't trust your doctors. like people who have medical trauma or distrust or dislike doctors and nurses aren't doing it for fun. we need these guys to help with our lives. we need healthcare to stay alive or to stop from getting worse, or to function at all. but often when you're dismissed and not communicated with you're left floundering and often have to make decisions yourself without that specialist knowledge. sometimes doctors know less than you about your disability anyway. sometimes they're wrong and give you advice that's detrimental to what you need or want, and you kinda have to just trust that the next guy is also not wrong. i think we're pretty lucky if we can find other people with our condition who are well researched in it. but i still think that uncertainty is something that disabled people shouldn't have to navigate

[inked-fervor]

Wildflowers

There was a little girl staring at the wildflowers along the sidewalk. Contradictorily, passersby shared dismal whispers as they walked by. There were no spark in her eyes, no signs of joy. Nevertheless, the flowers were mesmerizing. They made the city a little less miserable. Yet, her stare remained vacant, her expression void of emotion.

Soon enough, she spoke, "How can you live?"

The flowers swayed in response, dancing along the wispy breaths of the wind. Their petals were lush, and their leaves vibrant against the gray concrete. Their roots grasped the little soil they had been given so desperately, some leaves torn, stems scarred. Despite her cold stare, it stood beautifully and stared back at her.

She felt guilty. The flowers were stronger than her.

Picture from Regina Dailey on Pinterest captioned "Daisies in the sidewalk"

[lesbianralzarek]

i dont see why i cant start a trend, so here goes. lets try to build back our attention spans. lets try to focus on just one thing for as long as possible. lets not watch those "asmr for people with adhd" videos where they fuck up adhd folks even worse. lets resist the urge to reach for our phones when watching a movie. lets read the articles we reblog, even when theyre boring. i know its hard, i have adhd too, but its worth it. i also know that this hard work doesnt always seem super impressive to other people, so id love for yall to tell me in the tags or replies if youve done something, no matter how small, for your attention span. you deserve to feel like youve taken back some of what social media has ripped from you

[lesbianralzarek]

this art by david horvitz changed me as a person. we're attentionmaxxing this fine hot girl summer

[inked-fervor]

Fisherman

The morning was silent. The sky looked dark, and the air was frosty. There were barely any signs of sunlight. Yet, if he hadn’t broken the spell of lethargy, he might have mistaken it for sunset, bearing in mind that days seemed so fleeting now that his hair had turned gray. His skin hung low, turned saggy from carrying the marks of all the tragedy and bliss of living, like a flower slowly wilting. He remembered his tricycle. “my old friend.” It was still able to do its job of taking him to the pond but not without a struggle and turbulence, screaming noises and begging the man to get it fixed. Not even it can withstand the test of time. 

It took him most his life to finally try fishing. He didn’t know why, after all this time. Was it desparation? It couldn’t be. He knew once everything moves forward, there is no going back. Everything that has happened will remain sitting prettily in the past. Back then, he never really knew the worth of the present, until it became a part of the past, only a memory. 

He put bait on his hook and threw the line over the fishing pond with his wooden pole. He waited. And waited long. The sun steadily rose from across the horizon. While he waited, he thought, funnily enough, time keeps on taking from the short life he has left. His pole shook. He reeled his first and last catch with a content smile. 

“Ang laki ng tilapia!”   

[surqrised]

“I’ve been loved in life, but all that matters now is that I’m loved by you.”

— Abbi Glines, Because of Low

[mokozroach]

born to infodump forced to constantly worry if the other person actually cares or if im making sense or if i said something wrong or if im embarrassing myself or if they want me to stop talking or

[surqrised]

“I know that feeling. You have to do something. You have to change something radically, because you can’t stay like you are for another second, or you’re going to explode.”

— Jennifer Echols, Forget You

[quotefeeling]

“I still catch myself feeling sad about things that don’t matter anymore.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

[inked-fervor]

Love and a hundred grief

They love me by making sure I am fed. They love me by putting a roof over my head. They love me when I sit still and stay silent. They love me if I obey every single task. Pat me like a dog and I'd wag my tail begging for the love I desperately ask. They love me when I'm pretty and thin—when I'm perfect and pristine. They only love me when I kiss their feet.

Soon I awoke from reality, their love is as deep as skin. When I grow to become none of these things. When I no longer bend over backwards nor dance and sing, how am I to love myself? in this body that turned into nothing but a ghost of my loved ones' hopes and dreams.

[inked-fervor]

I could never write as beautiful

as famed poets of history

I burst with incoherent emotions

as I write sentences

hoping it would make sense

I vomit words that rebel

against traditional instructions,

gibberish thoughts of a

disorderly mind

I use my feelings as weapons

like bullets or gauze

to heal, to die, to love, to feel

To free myself of my misery

I write.

And it feels like I'm greater

than anyone could be.

[inked-fervor]

You are so precious

with your silly smile

and your sly winks

The way you love

feels like everlasting happiness

It feels like sunshine

and everything nice

I guess I was fortunate

to have rolled the dice

and ended up with someone

like you

My healthy vice.

[chuckakot]

"You are here now. And I am loving you. What else is there to love without you?"

⁠— Chuck Akot, vous êtes ici maintenant

[inked-fervor]

Have faith in me when I say

I stare at you as I would look up

to gaze at the moon with awe

yearning to feel your touch

gentle and raw

Your soft skin would cause

an avalanche of butterflies

in my stomach

sending me into a spiral

of sweet cotton candies

I wish to be forever stuck

I promised to myself that

I would never fold

Until you came.

So believe me when

I say I love you

like you were the greatest story ever told.