Inked Crystal

Eszter // 21 // Canon 700D //Lots of Empty Pages

[inkedcrystal]

I wonder sometimes, if the people I miss, feel the same way.

Or did they erased the memory of us, the moments and experiences?

[inkedcrystal]

Oka,, shit posting goes here. Literally, how can I be this stupid. And I overanalyze the shit. Of course, that's my part-time activity.

It's probably nothing. They think it is just a message sent to the wrong person. Which it was.

I just need to get it out of my head.

[finehoney]

im so ready to be in a relationship so whenever the universe is ready hmu with a keeper

[finehoney]

i posted this yesterday then today this cute boy held my hand and now he is sending me memes

[librarydvd]

Reblog for love

[maobeedong]

i reblogged this yesterday and my crush kissed me today

[sooyounglovebot-deactivated2018]

@shootingshidae

[solarwoos]

life update: i’m not saying this worked but something happened literally the day after i reblogged this

[manawhaat]

let’s do this

[inkedcrystal]

22 things I have learnt before I turned 22

So, today is my birthday. I am 22 years old. Time flies, at least that's what my Mom says. I feel awful because I haven't done nothing significant in my life but still, I wrote this list to remind myself that I am actually progressing in life.

The cliché stuff:

Your surrounding, people, friends, education or jobs are temporarily.

Change is inevitable and sudden. You lose your head a bit in chaos but soon find a solution and get back up.

The only person who should really love is you. If you love yourself people around you will do the two following things: hate you for being happy with yourself or admire you Either way the most important opinion is still going to be yours.

I learnt that hard work worth more than money. The happiness that fills you after a successful test or a short story you have work on cannot be compared to money.

Don't drink too much coffee to an empty stomach. You'll regret it, your head is going to fall off, your heart is going jump out.

Physical health is important. Soon you'll find out that after walking up a mountain for 1.5 hours coughing up your lungs you're just as healthy as a dead fish. Look out for yourself.

Your parents cannot tell you what to do or what to be. Sure, listen to their advice because they are more experienced than you, but you have your own life.

Always choose yourself over toxic people.

A mentally stable life is a good life. Taking care of my mental health is important. It's hard to admit that your sick and need help, but this also shows how strong you are. Don't be afraid of seeking the help of a professional.

Life hacks:

- learnt to cook for myself, always experiment with food, it might taste cool

- a dirty room is manifested chaos, clean!

- don't forget to drink enough water. no coffee isn't water.

- don't wait until the last minute with tasks if they have deadlines.

- headache means: not enough water, not enough food

Things that I am proud of:

- learnt what love means to me: honesty, trust and fun

- I learnt to enjoy my company. I can be alone and not feel lonely or lost

- how to take good pictures (still learning though)

- climbed the first step towards my goal, took part in a creative writing class and got compliments on my style and humour

- learnt how to fake confidence until i believe in myself

- how to give a presentation on a conference

Two never forgets:

The only person I truly have to appreciate is myself. I am going live with me for the rest of my life. If I don't love who I am, others cannot love me either.

Don't look good for others. Don't show off. Stay humble and hustle quietly. Surprise others with your kind success.

[inkedcrystal]

364 plus 1, day 32

Go ahead, I say. Go ahead and walk on me, leave your footprints on my heart and never look back. But if you dare to turn your head, glance at me and remember, I was next to you, I was your equal partner. Then, move on. Don't talk to me, don't think of me. Because you, you bastard, don't deserve the memories. Forget me.

This is to you.

Lovely, isn't it? Writing with pain, it's like you use your pain, blood and sweat to create something beautiful out of garbage. In that case the garbage is me, the pain is heartbreak and several pounds of lost body weight. Great. On day 32 I wrote a happy piece because the most challenging things is to be positive during the hardships. I am positive because in four months I will get out of this place. In four months I am going to be me again and I dare you to watch me grow. You, and you, and you. All of you, who just said get over it or you'll be fine. Great fucking advice. I tell you what.

I can't get out of this without changing. I can't get out of this without damaging myself and others, colleteral damage, one might say, but the least I care.

You might won't like what you see. You might say: "You're not the person I got to know." Well, you aren't the same either. People change, you've changed, I've changed, they've changed. We cannot stay the same for eternity.

I also would like you to know that today was a good day. I worked hard today, I fucking cleared out my to-do list. I am going to do the same tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and so on. I advise you to do the same. Stop bitching and suck it up. Hard work pays off, you change through the process but for the better.

[inkedcrystal]

364 plus 1, day 31

Holly cow, it's been a whole month! I've been writing for 30 day straight good job me. I had two exams while I was working on my writings, also two mental breakdowns and a panic attack. Now see, I lost a few pounds and people in the process of healing. How do I know that? Well, the scale told me. Also, you kinda realize how close you're to some people when you go through one of your worsts. I have never imagined being the easily disposable, the one that you could leave behind. You know, I tried chasing the people I thought to be my friends. Running after the wrong is not the best solution. Let them be and you'll see that the true ones stick around.

Today's piece is titled So What. I gave this one a shot. I tried to channel my sarcastic yet motivational persona. Did I succeed? Well, we shall see.

Also, I wanted mention that I didn't make any resolutions. I don't want a new me, I don't intend to get healthier or thinner or whatever. Sure, I have goals, small and big ones, but I won't beat myself up at the end of 2019 if I don't reach them. I will work hard and one they I will celebrate my success.

However, I made a vision board. It has most of my goals. But why a vision board when I don't have resolutions? Because it works for me. I believe it is now manifested into this material world, it's not just an image. It'll work. Not because I wrote it down, but because I'm working endlessly to reach them.

[tnbtheories]

Feel it.

[inkedcrystal]

day 19, 364 plus 1

Happy Holidays, I guess.  Am I happy? Not really, but compared to yesterday, today was less hectic...Emotionally. 

I’ll brace myself for tomorrow. Family Christmas, usual questions: how the boyfriend? Dumped me. How’s school? I got it. Why do you study? Because I love it, Susan. Fuck off.

For others, Christmas might be peaceful and all that shit. But for me, it’s just pain, anxiety and depression mixed in a super huge bowl and poured onto my house. Can I survive this year without the part I called my love and all that fucked up lovely names? We shall see.

But I am happy to announce that I might have a new friend. You might read this actually, Hi. He’s cool and smart. I lot like me, but I am less cool and smart. It’s good to know that there are people out in the wild who can relate to you. We should support each other, how about that?

Today, I wrote an imaginary piece based on my failed attempt to make bejgli. If you don’t know what bejgli is, you are sentenced to live in hell without bejgli. Look it up kid, use your brain....Or google. But, back to the writing challenge: this one got the title Cat Stuck in Honey. It didn’t happen, as I said, it just the child of my fucked up imagination. But it’s positive and happy and less depressive than yesterday’s piece. Now that’s a handful.  

Happy Holidays, once again. Hope you can survive with your families or without them. If you want to leave a message and tell me to enjoy Christmas, please do. 

[inkedcrystal]

Day 18, 364 plus 1

Long story short, I had a mental breakdown. A silent one, only a few of my friends are aware of that. So instead of writing about this unfortunate event I decided to post a sketch I wrote yesterday. Today’s one is depressive and tomorrow is Christmas Eve, I rather not take away your joy (if you saw the We Happy Few reference, you’re cool and I love you). So here it is:

Boy King by Eszter Kormány

 The small boy sat on a branch of the great old oak tree. Initially, he climbed up to free his kite but as soon as he grabbed his toy his gaze shifted from the rescued item to the world that was seen from behind the branches. Over the fence, the boy could see the whole world. The neighbouring houses were towering over each other, he saw Ms Collins tabby cat chasing a bird while kids were running around in an other garden. He felt like a king, having a land lying at his feet. He imagined ruling over the neighbourhood, telling people to cook his favourite dish, making his bed while he’s having chocolate for breakfast or have a bath instead of him. Oh God, how much he hated having baths. And brushing his teeth too. He fantasied about building a castle up in the tree, the branches would serve as beams to hold the massive structure of the building. He would have watch-towers for the guards and a crest of a floating kite hanging over the main gate. He would sleep here, not in his bedroom. It was childish anyway, he thought that at the age of seven a boy should have a nice room: the colour of the walls should be more adulty, like grey or dark blue without any race car stickers or dinosaurs, and he wanted a double bed so all of his teddy bears could sleep with him. This image of a beautiful fantasy evaporated into thin air when he heard his mother calling his name. It was nearly dinner time. He climbed off the tree, but before he stepped inside he looked at the oak promising himself, that he asks his dad if they can build a castle together.

[inkedcrystal]

Day 16, 364 plus one

Dear Dear,

I missed a few days, I've been checking in on myself mostly. You know the drill. Also, I took a little break from social media, I'm still not using messenger or facebook, they are actually useless.

If you want to know, what i've been up to: well, I've had an endterm test and an exam this week, moreover, I wrote every day. Yeah, I didn't stop. They are not good and one of them is only a motivational letter for my future self, but I don't care. I won't stop I challenged myself to write every day for 365 day and I am going to do that.

Today though was pretty okay. I had a lunch with my friend, he's going back to Germany for the holidays so we met at this vegan restaurant to have a little chat. Now see, the deal is that my first language is Hungarian, English is only the second. It was fantastic to actually not use my mother tongue for once, it really proved me that I could live somewhere else and be comfortable talking with foreigners. Nevertheless, my friend is a lovely person, I am grateful to have him.

Today's piece was a given prompt by my mother: she said I should write something related to the zoo. So today I wrote a Christmas scene where my family members gathered around the table on Christmas day for lunch. I recreated the mayhem and the chaos that I am going to experience. I used the zoo as a metaphorical image to describe the situation with my family. Mom still thinks I wrote about animals.

Hope you had a lovely day. Be bright and merry.

[inkedcrystal]

day 12 of 364 plus 1

I messed up the counting yesterday. Well, numbers weren’t my things anyway. Today I will be short. 

I have worked on something, another imaginary scene. But this time, it is closely related to my actual life. So, it’s not fully a fantasy. I shaped the protagonist on my image, however, she is much wiser and wittier than me. 

I figured out, my silence is louder than my words. I will use them to my advantage from now on. So I silently typed in a poem too. Only my close friends will see it, maybe. It’s about me finding myself, loving I.

With all due respect.

[inkedcrystal]

day 10, 364 plus one

The disposable. That's who I am. When I need someone to help me, they just ditch me, run over me and leave me hanging. How rude. You guys, you are going to be the next villains in my story. I needed heartless characters anyway.

My current situation does not define me. You throw me away, alright. But I still stand.

Today's piece features crows, nightmares and dreams. I must say, this isn't an original idea, but all those negativity that has been raging inside me will be present in the nightmares. Because I have some, black and white pictures flashing in front of my eyes. The worst drama you can imagine.

Will it get better?

[inkedcrystal]

day 9 of 364 plus 1

Dear dear,

If I posted a picture with the hashtag Iwokeuplikethis, you would have seen an ugly face, puffy red eyes and tears everywhere.

No pictures though, this 365 days is about writing, writing about anything and everything. Today, was bad on so many levels and still, I managed to use less tissue than on my last bad day. I think it's a record.

I want to say thank you to my friends, who know how easily I get myself down and thwy keep me up, no matter what. Even a small text makes my day. Thank you.

Today's piece was titled: Sunshine and rainbows: a giude for the lost. A friend's suggestion was that my mindset determines if i see the colours in life or not. I imagined myself walking down a black and white street when a storm suddenly appears from nowhere. But a single ray of sunshine breaks the cloud and creates the most perfect rainbow you could imagine. And I would start running, even though my chest hurts and the burning travels up into my throat I don't give up until I reach the rainbow.

And I found...Out that I am strong and brave, determined and smart, beautiful and kind. I am so much more than a broken doll whose heart was given away to the wrong person at the wrong time and at the wrong place.

Keep fighting, you are valid.

[inkedcrystal]

364 plus 1, day 7

Dear dear,

What can I say? We fall from high places. The last three days were good, balanced, I felt happy. Today, when I had two endterm test following eachother, I lost all hope in literally everything. I felt like, the puddle of mildly hot sorrow was getting bigger around me when I thought the Sun came out to dry it up. I might've been mistaken.

I expect too much from myself in such a short period of time. But I want to feel better. I love being happy, I love the laughing of others and the positive mindsets.

It's pretty hard actually, to make myself believe that there's more to me because of me being myself and not because of me being with someone else.

I'm struggling, but who wouldn't. I have to let myself do what my feelings want to do. They say: now you cry, then I cry. If they want me to feel sad, I feel sad. Happiness is an option too.

Have I written anything today? Yeah, sorta. It's a little scene that I imagine from time to time:

"I'm on a stage, it's an open mic night in a bar. I'm standing in the spotlight reading out one of my writings. The audience is laughing so hard, they're trying catch their breath. When I finish, I go up to the bar and order a glass of rosé. My mouth is dry because of all the talking, I'm quite red after performing. Then this guy would walk up to me, saying I was pretty good up there and we would start chatting."

Funnily, this little scene is just as fantastic as the fact that I would perform on an open mic. Reading out my own story. What is the chance that it will happen?

[inkedcrystal]

364 plus one, day SiX

Dear dear,

It's going to be short. I just want to say:

- Billie Eilish is great

- I've jotted down an absolutely fantastic story idea. It makes no sense and that's the best thing about it.

- I spent most of this day in the cafe, writing, laughing and enjoying my own and others' company over a nice coffee

- There's a long way ahead, but I believe I will succeed.

Bye for now.

[inkedcrystal]

day 5 of 364 plus 1

Dear dear,

Today was great. Though I had an exam I pushed through and smashed it. Then I wrote the short story I mentioned yesterday, the one about a tumbleweed. Well, I might have made a twisted U-turn and went all G. R. R. Martin on one of the characters. Would you read it, even though it has a sad ending?

Today was great because I talked with my best friend. I told her how lost I feel. She encouraged me that everything happened for a reason and otherwise I would be somewhere else. Maybe in a factory working my ass off. I should appreciate the things I have experienced and go on with my life. Because I am a tumbleweed, I might get caught on some fences (or problems) but all in all, when there's wind I move.

Moving on. Creating. Evolving. That's the plan.

[inkedcrystal]

364 plus 1, day four

Dear dear,

I changed up the title, did you see? Anyhow. Today was not as bad as yesterday. Although I wanted to write a little story about a tumbleweed who got caught up in a fence I started a small dialogue between me and my best friend, where we are working adults, dealing with adult problems and adulting every day.

I tried to make it fun and create an actual protagonist out of myself but I don't think I am worthy of being amazing on “electronic paper” if I am not my own ultimate protagonist in real life. 

How can I become one? 

I have to find the good in every bad, happiness in sadness, progression in taking a step back. I have to concentrate on myself instead of others. My friend suggested: “Don’t compare your problems to others’.” She is right. My problems might not be as bad as yours and I am terribly sorry that you have to experience them but for me, finding me after losing myself is my worst problem I have to solve.

It might not be the best idea but I am:

- writing everyday, something little. sometimes meaningless

- listening to music, I went back to classics like Bach and Schubert. 

- working, tutoring kids.

- talking to friends, though sometimes they don’t answer for hours and that when the dark thoughts attack me.

I am fighting against a strong urge and so far I am succeeding. I cannot give up, my healing just started.