robby struggling with self harm. it started when he was a teenager. it helped him feel better about the burden he put on his grandma to take care of him. it helped silence thoughts like what did i do to make my mom leave? slashing at his thighs until he was dizzy with blood loss & panting was the punishment he deserved.
in college, he met jack. he would hold robby down with unrelenting strength as he swung his hand back & spanked robby over & over until robby was teary eyed & snotty & shivering. afterwards, jack gently cradled robby, repeating over & over that he loved his good boy so much until robby finally understood that he was safe. he got the pain he deserved & the love he deserved. it was perfect.
until jack was deployed. robby had never been good at his loved ones leaving him, purposefully or not. he’s like a baby with no object permanence. (if mama isn’t here, then she isn’t coming back. if mama isn’t here, then i’m going to be alone forever).
with jack gone, robby fell apart. stealing an obscene amount of blades & scalpels from the hospital, he cut himself incessantly, some nights it was so bad he had to stitch himself up. sitting in the dark living room, completely numb to the world, dragging the needle back & forth under his skin. he couldn’t even cry.
when jack found out, robby nearly killed himself. running out of the house barefoot, he desperately searched for a car to throw himself in front of. jack tore out of the house and sprinted down the street after him. after he caught up with robby, he wrapped him in a bear hug, dragging him home kicking & screaming & begging jack to let him die.
that night, robby asked jack to break up with him. jack just rocked robby back & forth. chin resting on top of robby’s head, he mumbled into robby’s hair i’d never leave you baby. you gotta promise me the same. robby couldn’t.
by the time robby was in his 30s, he’d been clean for several years. rough sex with his loving boyfriend was the only thing keeping him tethered. once jack settled into therapy, he bullied robby into adopting some coping mechanisms. robby seethed every time had to use one.
pittfest roared into robby’s life like a tornado. on the way home, robby was twitchy & snappy. it’d been many years since the last time robby sliced himself open, but jack knew his husband. he mentally prepared himself for the fight they would have at home. fighting was good. it meant robby was alive & had enough energy to yell at jack.
instead, when they made it home, robby detached himself from jack’s side and scrambled into the bathroom, locking the door before jack could reach him. it wasn’t like before, jack couldn’t run with the prosthesis he had on. instead, he had to helplessly throw his body against the door over & over, heart hammering in his chest, pleading with robby to not hurt himself, just let me in please it’s gonna be okay baby i promise just unlock the door for me please honey i love you so much.
until finally, finally, jack broke open the door, thanking whoever was listening that he never gave up on his ruthless exercise regiment, left over from his years in the army. a pool of blood stretched out underneath robby’s leg, who was leaning against the wall, holding a scalpel in his shaking hands. jack was horrified. his stomached turned. sick with guilt. what could i have done to prevent this? there was nothing he could say, nothing he could do. robby didnt even acknowledge him. after checking the cuts and ensuring they didn’t need stitches, he got to work cleaning & bandaging. silently crying, robby watched jack work with his haunted, detached eyes.
after robby was put back together, jack gently grabbed his face & said i can promise you that i wont leave you. you can’t leave me either baby. i love you more than you’ll ever know. in response, robby curled up in jack’s lap, face pressed into his soft stomach, and started wailing.
