Secrets Made Public @inner----thoughts - Tumblr Blog

The Minded of an Over Thinker

Think.

Stop.

Think.

Stop.

Think.

Stop.

I can't.

I can't stop.

I never have been able to control this feeling.

This part of me that feels like a dark cloud, casting a shadow over my mind.

Taking my positivity and devouring it, never to be found except in the darkest place that exist in my mind.

Swimming through murky thoughts that feels like seaweed in a deep lake of negativity that is pulling me down.

The swaying plants are wrapping around my arms and legs drowning me in emotions that I don't even understand.

My brain can't comprehend why my heart is speeding up and why I can't breathe.

My head is spinning with all these doubts and fears that don't make sense.

They rattle me to my core and make me scared of the worst things I can imagine.

Broken promises.

People leaving.

Being alone.

Knowing that I was never really good enough...

The logical side of me knows it's not true.

I try and shake it off.

I take a depth breath, put a smile on my face, and act like I'm on top of the world.

I look at the pill in my hand and pray that today is that day I am cured.

But i know the truth..

That day will never come.

So I think...

And I fight.

-K.B.A 11/18/2021

#overthinking #mental health #fighting #justbreathe #mentalheathmatters #mentally drained #anxienty #inner thoughts #journaling #mentally unstable #mentalwellness #getting better #therapy

boysaresuicidal2

when i’m alone, i think.

when i think, i remember.

when i remember, i feel pain.

when i feel pain, i cry.

when i cry, i cant stop.

when i can’t stop, i hurt myself.

please dont leave me alone

Am I doomed

Am I cursed

Has there been a spell cased on me

One that will always make me hurt

Are you bound to me

Are you stuck

Is there a reason that thinking of you still hurts so much

Years have passed

Lines been crossed

Communication died out

A relationship lost

More thoughts had

Than words shared

No regrets found

Yet

Maybe some still there

You are still seen in places that you claimed

Songs sung that makes me recall your name

Distance has been granted

A new love has been found

But you

You still find ways to stick around

I don't want it

I don't need it

So why are you still here

It has taken years to remember you without tears

A heart was taken

Was shown love

Promises were made

Then shattered on the floor

Stepped on a few times over

So why does the heart still beat

Well we know

It is not thanks to you

#inner thoughts #poetry #since you've been gone #heart break #goodbye #cursed

Do you see more than my skin?

iglovequotes

https://iglovequotes.net/

To the first man I ever loved...

Dear CP,

I honestly don't know what to say to you. It's been so long since we've been face to face. To be quite honest, I'm still not fully over what happened between us and I probably never will be. I try not to think about it too much or you for that matter.

I'm really happy in my life right now. M makes me so very happy. I plan to marry him, CP. He wants to marry me too. I'm sorry if that hurts you.

I never wanted any of this. I've come to realize lately that the reason I can never seem to get you out of my head, no matter how bad I want to sometimes, is because you were my first love. So that means there will always be a place in my heart that you will have. I think we talked once about if we have ever been in love. I think I said yes. I don't think that is true anymore, for you see, all the guys before you were pretty much forgotten. Some I was closer to than others. They all will have a little piece of me. But you... you have this chuck. This huge chunk. You were the first to make me feel things I had never felt at the time.

I truly thought I had found my person when I had you, but that changed. You changed it. I would have stuck by your side. I told you so I don't know how many times. I would have waited. But you didn't want that. You decided. You broke my heart, CP. I cried myself to sleep I don't know how many nights. I was truly hurt and it felt like I would never be ok. But I was wrong. Because I did move on, just like you told me to and I found M. He has my heart now. He is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Without him I would not be where I am now. I would not have the job I have or have made the friends that I made. He has helped me reach goals I never actually thought I would reach. I thought I was gonna be stuck in MS for the rest of my life, but he helped change that. He loves me and I love him.

I'm glad you got your Masters. I'm glad you decided that it would be too hard for us. I'm glad you saw what I couldn't see. I hope with all of my heart that you will be as happy as I am one day. I hope you actually follow your dreams rather than staying where you think you are needed. Sometimes getting away from the family is exactly what is called for. Please don't get stuck at a job you like just ok because you are afraid to chace your dreams.

I wish I could tell you all of this in person. We were very close once. But I fear being in your presence again. Not because of the hurt that was caused but the fear that something might happen. M is right, we can never be friends the way we would have hoped. You just meant too much to me for you to go to something lesser. It's easier to just not have you at all for I know more pain would be caused if we were to stay friends. I know this letter is a long long time coming, but I wanted to act like you didn't matter to me anymore. I wanted to bury it so deep that I didn't feel it and no one could see it. I do still care for you, I always will, and that scares me. It makes me think I will never be able to control myself around you. But please know, I hold our time together as cherished memories and one day when I have kids I will be able to tell them about the first man I ever loved. He was a kind man. A loving man. A God fearing man. A man who loved me enough to know when to let me go.

Yours truly,

KB