Life In Schizophrenia

[innerangeltoadlover]

I feel a lot these days after my psychiatrist stopped seeing me (her doing) was that she was actually employed to finish the job. I had become a troublesome client and I was finding fault with my treatment. I was also in psychiatric terms - losing insight - which is a term they use when you stop agreeing with them. Of course many schizophrenics when we start to age begin to see how bloody ridiculous the treatment really is. However getting to that realisation can be slow going because Doctors are people of status and there is an expectation of integrity. I have come to believe that my final psychiatrist is the mess cleaner who gets called in when shit happens. This kind of person is the one who says “this won’t hurt a bit” when they perform a lobotomy. These kind of people exist and have existed throughout history. They say all the right things , and eventually rise to positions of power. They respect their peers and usually come from money. My psychiatrist stopped seeing me once she had done the damage. There was no follow up and I was made to feel like I was my condition. There was no way in for her to dismantle the conclusions I had come to so she walked away.

[innerangeltoadlover]

IDEOLOGY : Life in Schizophrenia Sometimes , well often, when we read a memoir there’s an assumption that the person writing has overcome some insurmountable hardship. It motivates us to think that we can do the same – and at some point we , like the author will walk into the sunset with clarity, humour and perhaps in hand with another. These are the kinds of books I usually stop reading after…

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[innerangeltoadlover]

[innerangeltoadlover]

There were of course many harbingers of a future wherein the Court Case was clearly visible. I can remember my sister taking a teenager to Court because he clipped her car as she was making a right turn at the lights and the boy could not avoid the collision. This is what Type A personalities call assertive driving she poked her car out so far because hey why wouldn’t she? Even on the road she was a menace. She took him to court declaring that her standing in the community would see her winning the case. My father told her Court didn’t work this way but he was fobbed off. So she went to Court and lost - her reaction to the loss was that the judge was wrong. After our own Court experience with her we received a caveat on the house in the mail. Another indicator of her own pissedoffedness. I rang my lawyer who as a native of South America didn’t mince words, “that crazy bitch”. This is the thing I go into a psychiatrist and it’s like “you crazy” and I’m like “she’s crazy” “nah you crazy” and I’m like “ may as well be crazy then”.

[innerangeltoadlover]

I think the saddest part of psychiatric treatment is the effect it has on a person . The total shearing away of your personality until like me you no longer know which way is up. Psychiatrists don’t actually help you on that journey either and are unnecessarily guarded . It appears to me that they are not particularly interested in your own version of wellness unless it is also their version.

So I sit there in front of my psychiatrist and she has all the information she needs that could confirm an alternative version but she doesn’t want to go there. It’s a complete stalemate and I have to figure this out by myself. So my truth is inconvenient because it shows how incompetent knowledge really is. So no matter how my sister was shown up in court as a liar and madder than I ever could be because she has the signifiers of a competent life she is believed. Even though again and again it shows throughout every persons experience that a cliched life means nothing. So not only have I endured emotional abuses from my sister the lack of belief by my doctors is also abuse. I have never been sympathised with by a psychiatrist because everything is seen in terms of the diagnosis and therefore there is nothing I can take from a session. My psychiatrists answer to this dilemma is to cease sessions . Bravo. I cannot manage the injustice that I have endured I just sit within it. What do I take from this - I have admitted many wrongdoings in my existence and this is viewed as a confirmation of my diagnosis . I may as well have lied my whole life as others do and that is normal .

Seeing a psychiatrist is much like drowning in an ocean and waving wildly at them and they will watch you perish surrounded by life jackets.

[escuerzoresucitado]

[innerangeltoadlover]

https://www.tumblr.com/innerangeltoadlover I’m on here

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[innerangeltoadlover]

It is also a kind of victory for me as well because I realise that despite having everything that should make a couple happy this very desperate act showed they had very little . The one thing they were most incapable of was an honest conversation : I’m sure it’s bliss.

[innerangeltoadlover]

I have become aware over the years that my brother in law knows of his wife’s abusive nature. However he is far from a fighter for justice and like many husbands standing with his wife on family issues is an expectation no matter how fucked up it may be. One does not have to think too hard to imagine that this philosophy when pushed to its limits can justify some very odd behaviours. My sister’s zeal in attempting to make her schizophrenic sister homeless by taking us to the Supreme Court is indeed a supreme act of nuttery which could have been prevented if sensible heads prevailed. I can remember sitting on a seat outside of the Courtroom and my sister was approaching with her entourage. She walked with confidence and as she drew close she said, “hiya” . Her husband put his hand on her shoulder and said, “she doesn’t want to say hello to you”. Its these moments when you realise how idiotic this woman really is and that the cause of all the hate is a screwed up sibling rivalry that she has carried all her life and she can’t let go of. This is everything - and her husband knows there is nowhere to move within it so we end up in Court . This is her husband’s most emasculating act of submission. It is also a guarantee that the hysteria has been quelled and they can look forward to a retirement knowing that they have done all they can to right the wrongs or wrong the rights or whatever screwed up rubbish goes on in their heads. On her way out of court she passed our room and our lawyer said, “there she goes with her tail between her legs” . It is interesting that this bully is so deluded that she thinks she can fool a Court - this is what we’re up against. This is a person who has spent her life bullying the vulnerable and thinks she can do the same in a Court. However her loss is nullified by her husband who blows so much smoke up her arse that we are forever wary of the next round.

When we left Court we were crossing the lights and I saw her and her husband on the opposite side of the road. I laughed to myself because I could see the usual rubbish - she was irate and the husband as always using his engineering brain to solve this latest BS with his wife and somehow manage to crawl out of taking any responsibility for not succeeding in making me homeless. They saw me and immediately turned and walked off with the usual triumphant posture.

[innerangeltoadlover]

What is most disturbing for me is that my former psychiatrist made a conscious decision to put her patient’s needs last because she believed (wrongly) that I was the antagonist within the family. How often do these people get things wrong ? I cannot believe that there are not many people out there who feel as I do. I often find myself thinking , “what could I have done differently ?” I probably could list quite a few things but listing them doesn’t make them possible. I was prevented from standing up to my abuser which should have been the natural consequence of my sister’s aggression. I’m not sure what this kind of repression does to a persons mind but I’m sure my psychiatrist should know . It is a cruel thing - I think it crushes a vulnerable person’s spirit and they are fraught with uncertainty on what is right and what is wrong. I think a psychiatrist comforts themselves by the decision of madness which (to them) means the spirit is crushed anyway. I didn’t feel that way I felt wronged. I wanted to leave her many times however these people do not realise that in destroying their clients confidence that person is incapable of making the decision to leave and that such thoughts are a product of their treatment - so the loop continues . Treatment that should improve things is in fact so destructive that a patient cannot remove themselves from danger. That repressed toxicity that characterised my relationship with my sister and prevented me from standing up to her also prevented me from removing myself from a psychiatrist whom I didn’t like.

SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR PARANOIA IS TRUE? Nothing just stare into that void

[innerangeltoadlover]

On another instance my father , who had cancer at the time said to me that my therapist had assured him that she would always keep me as her client. I repeated this to her on my next appointment- the look of disappointment was disarming but she quickly recovered and lifted her real face from the floor and replaced her doctor’s mask. My persuasive psychiatrist had obviously managed to silence any transfer of information that occurred between my father and herself during their meetings. My father’s cancer was obviously a catalyst for an unlatching of the cone of silence. This doctor was a very charming woman who could sell ice to an Eskimo. For decades she had successfully quelled my justified reactions to abuse and had also elegantly persuaded my father to do the same by appealing to the values of decency which characterise family values that my sister had never possessed. Her look of disappointment meant that as her age advanced it was going to be difficult to transfer my care to another doctor. She was now a martyr and as I described to my current doctor “was saving the world from k” . The furious nodding from my current psychiatrist confirmed this just as did the last years of my relationship with my former psychiatrist which had deteriorated to a point wherein the charm had revealed itself to be what charm ultimately is - bogus. I was just totally over it. The Court Case had revealed that the 30 years of reporting abuse ( which had never changed) was not a fantasy and my unwellness was linked to the continuous lack of validation - it was in plain language - torture. EREI believe most of my unwellness of late is linked to that feeling of disbelief. At night I often have a rush of emotions that makes falling asleep difficult. This happens during the day also but it’s a signal to me to take the dog for a walk. I am always better outside though that feeling is ever present. The feeling I had after the court case finished has all but disappeared- that feeling that at last everyone has understood what has really been occurring. The most tragic thing for me is that despite this my suffering is now greater because my current therapist appears to show zero interest in the connotations that the court case should have implied for my future care. It is obvious I will never get a win - I think it would have been quite simple to show some sympathy however my most present feeling is an underlying panic brought on by the realisation that I am alone with this. Had my parents been alive to see my sister drag me through court they would have been on her doorstep in an instant . The fact that my sisters last attack occurred after my father passed should indicate how devious she is…..I get nothing however . Psychiatrists : what a total cop out .

[innerangeltoadlover]

After the court case, my sister had to pick up the chattels at my parents home she was nearly half an hour late to get to the house. I remember being in the driveway and I thought this was my chance just to make her feel as uncomfortable as she has made me. I started shouting because I no longer cared about politeness or dignity I remember telling my previous psychiatrist that I decided to yell at my sister she said “couldn’t you hold that in ?”. My brother had accompanied me to the psychiatrist on this occasion. He said to her “K has been putting up with that for decades” . It is quite obvious that when it comes to schizophrenia there is no such thing as reactive abuse because we are incapable of interpreting what abuse is so we are just to blame for everything and if we do crack it - it appears from nowhere (my god) . I was so pleased that he said this because it had dawned on me (too slowly) that my words meant very little to these people . I watched my psychiatrist dip her head and looked for a spot on the carpet between her feet. I interpreted this as guilt. I had been seeing this psychiatrist for nearly 20 years and like all human beings I had seen the occasional break in tone during meetings . Despite being nuts I had seen her embarrassed and I had also watched her become more expressive when caught in a lie. My current psychiatrist as always disregarded this and smiled inanely. Of course when a schizophrenic interprets human behaviour it is always wrong. However I can guarantee if I was correct it would not be validated. I think there is something really strange about the neutrality of psychiatrists - it is evident that they are happy to let you drown rather than throw you a rope. Problem is there was always this nagging feeling that they weren’t getting it and I would always wonder why it seemed ok for my sister to shout her head off at me. My conclusion is my sister had everything that represented normality and was therefore innocent. My other conclusion is that these people are beyond stupid and my life has been absorbed by a cliche. It’s so fucking unbelievable but that’s it. The diagnosis means essentially that you will never be believed again….and that’s the end of you. It’s still the dark ages folks.

[innerangeltoadlover]

There are some things I do regret one of these was signing a waver which allowed my psychiatrist to speak with my parents. At the time I remember saying I had nothing to hide however I now realise that this was again a disempowering action. My parents said nothing about these meetings however there were times when I believe the toleration of my sister’s abuse was linked to these sessions. I can remember a time when my mother got off the phone in tears after my sister was outright screaming and I said to my dad “I’ve had enough of this I’m ringing her back” . My dad said “don’t do that”. I was puzzled by this . I also remember when dad got ill he declared that he could not believe how poorly I behaved at art school. He was correct . The reason he couldn’t believe it was because in the family home I was the placid one. My psychiatrist completely ignored this very telling part of my behaviour - that the poor behaviour was linked to the abuse that I (wasn’t) experiencing .My psychiatrist brought up my poor behaviour frequently and named teachers who knew me. The fact that she had broken confidentiality rules did not particularly fuss me though the head of the art department called me a paranoid schizophrenic at the pub in front of other students- I guess he’d had enough. The problem with the expectation that a person with a mental illness should behave is problematic. If I am mad can’t I be so? To be honest some of the best moments of my life (that to some would be humiliating )were when I embraced it but of course putting a brake on it was sometimes a struggle. There is a certain freedom obtained from not having any responsibilities if one can find an upside to madness . However there was another dimension to this poor behaviour which made perfect sense to me as I think back. I had finished an history degree and I was working as a cleaner and was attending tafe! I was also being abused fortnightly by a sister who would stay for days and whom we tolerated and my doctor was duping me into silent submission by emphasising her own family values upon me and my parents. My sister’s visits with her children were good at first but eventually the same high pitched pressure head that we all knew so well appeared. My mother was being abused much like myself and I would often hear her mention dad’s weakness . My mother was sweet to me and I loved and respected my father but I think they were involved in something that was beyond all of us and was also beyond a psychiatrist. The result of all this was a toxic mess from which there was no escape and in hindsight I’m kind of pleased that I had those times when I was able to enjoy being a goon because life was not rewarding me for effort. I thank the universe for allowing me to unconsciously perceive the fraud that my psychiatrist had brewed in order to ensure passivity in me and behave accordingly. In all of the years of treatment I always believed that a psychiatrist was capable of seeing beyond a stereotype. Motherhood is not a metaphor for happiness or decency just as schizophrenia is not a metaphor for a bad person.

[innerangeltoadlover]

In the latter years when my parents became ill I would often hear my sister refer to me as manipulative. I put it down to just generalised rubbish that she always said. However she had become disgruntled about her taxes supporting those who don’t help themselves (same ol same ol ). I had no idea she was referring to me , as my sister had seen me at my sickest and she was aware that I was under a psychiatrists care and medicated. I was the major care giver to my ailing parents which freed her life considerably. I’m not sure how people can be so lacking in compassion but I also was privy to conversations wherein her family would carry on about the NDIS and how people could fake illness to get on it. One of these conversations occurred at the gathering after my father’s funeral. One of my sister’s friends took it upon himself to carry on about people cheating the NDIS. I did not at this stage know what the future would be nor the looming court case but this man announced his disgust as I stood closely by. He knew of my mental illness and at my father’s funeral he used this opportunity to make me feel even lower. As children my memory of my sister was cruelty, humiliation and yelling. If something went my way it would be favouritism - this was endless. As adults my sister was unchanged and I was often bewildered by the hostility she exhibited on her visits. Having a mental illness and being looked after by my parents was again an example of my parents playing favourites. I was not sick I was just a bludger and she had listeners who supported this stance. I look at my life as being extremely unlucky to have acquired a gene over which I have little control but the stigma against us is rife . What I was lucky to have was 2 parents who knew what the relationship between my sister and I really was and did their best to make me safe . I really was looking forward to living on my own after my parents died and it was my only consolation that kept me going . I remember saying as much to my sister who said nothing. This was a pattern - my parents moved to an isolated country part of Bendigo when I was first diagnosed in order to help me heal however the solace of the arrangement was ruined by my sisters visits and what now appears to be a compulsive need to kick my head in when I am at my most vulnerable. ……I did not realise until after the court case that I would experience one of the greatest depressions of my life that as yet has failed to abate all because of the superficiality of my older sister. I mean really ? Fuck off.

What is also most odd is that my sister’s own children have faced their own mental health difficulties yet apparently their conditions are genuine yet mine is fake. My sister was shown great compassion by all of us . My only explanation for her incredible cognitive dissonance in this regard is that her story telling over the years and her lies about victimhood had become so convoluted that it wouldn’t have mattered if her children were completely disabled by their psychiatric illnesses I was still going to be dragged through court . As I’ve said previously nothing ever makes sense with narcissists .

[innerangeltoadlover]

I remember when my dad gave my sister Medical Power of Attorney- his words were , “that should pacify J” . I remember looking at him and wondered why my sister always had to be pacified and who really had the mental illness in the family but this was what we had to deal with every time we saw her. The Court Case was of course a terrible disappointment but it was unsurprising to me . The astonishment of people who believed they knew my sister has been tiresome for me and my brother because the Court Case was a public manifestation of what we had always experienced . I always felt so sorry that our parents were just 2 humble people who just wanted to enjoy their grandchildren but were walking on eggshells at each visit . As for me I was just scattered and anchor-less desperate for a kind word that for the life of me I can’t ever remember getting. This is a copy of a message I sent to my sister’s lawyers after receiving a letter from them that was , in short, disgraceful. We were receiving letters from my sister’s lawyers which were increasingly insulting and discriminatory and as I’ve said throughout this memoir education makes no difference to the ignorant. The discrimination was overt and I remember saying to our lawyer can we go after them for discrimination ? He replied , “let’s not go down that road”. Of course how much money can you spend at a lawyer and my sister and her husband were not interested in being honest in any of their communications their main aim was to destroy the estate and force us to spend money that was needed in the future. Money was freedom for them.

[innerangeltoadlover]

My sister took me to Court on the premise that I had faked my mental illness (oh the irony). Our lawyers told us that she must have hunted hard to find anyone that would take on this kind of case. I could almost imagine my sister driving around with her husband hunting for a lawyer low enough to agree to take on a client hellbent on making her schizophrenic sister homeless but she found one because the faking of mental illness is a story which enrages the ignorant and money makes even open discrimination meaningless to a lawyer. I can imagine them refining their story and her husband researching the Law and how happy this experience of bonding must have been. I cannot think of anything more pathetic and bizarre. I do not imagine my sister’s frenzied state , I know it. My life has been a mess but nothing I have done could match the shear mean spiritedness of my ‘sister’. After my mother died my sister was refusing to sign even the most mundane of documents citing her ‘ lawyer’ had advised her to do so. We all knew this ‘lawyer’ was her husband and this action was merely spite meant to fuck up the process. There was also the realisation that even though my sister did poorly in Court she did succeed in destroying the estate . I never wonder if my sister gives a second thought to the fact that much of the money left over was inherited by my father from his brother who was compensated in a plane crash in Papua New Guinea and hung upside down for hours whilst his spine separated during which he lost the ability to walk . She was also seeking 2/3 of the Estate by crying poor to her lawyers that her husband did not work when in fact he was retired and had worked as an Engineer. At the bottom of the Affadavit she signed off that all that was written was true and correct which not only exhibited her contempt for the Law but also for me , the contempt of the Law for the vulnerable. As for faking my illness - how many doctors reports does she need? My previous psychiatrist would refer to my sister as a psychopath but it was too fucking late.

[innerangeltoadlover]

In keeping with the irrelevance the court case has had on my current treatment and the complete deafness on my belief that my perceptions should be respected my psychiatrist continues to encourage me to attend activities I don’t enjoy. What these people don’t realise (probably do realise) is that when they encourage a damaged person into situations that they have found difficult they are not seeing the person holistically. They are also saying to that person that their perceptions are so unsound that they would rather you risk the sanctuary of not liking a situation and put you in danger than acknowledge that perception as true for you. What for me is a sound coping strategy that shows insight into my illness and my age and experience is basically laughed off. In my case I have been here before and I have seen the outcome of believing these people to have read me correctly- catastrophe. I also find myself wondering why it appears to be so difficult for her to acknowledge that my alternative view of making meaning of my experience is so abhorrent to her and this is why my story title begins with ‘ideology’. Does it really matter that I’ve got to a mature age and I’ve decided that I think they are FOS? And why am I being denied access to the training that these people have been given in order to gain a degree that takes 7 years to obtain? How is saying to me , “I’m only here to do medication” an acceptable answer? Valid questions. She recently asked me how my confidence has been since seeing her. She smiled as she asked this as though she believed she had made a difference, I replied “I have nothing”. FFS!

On my most recent visit to my psychiatrist the session ended with me saying “how long will it take me to get over this?” My psychiatrist answered “that is a very important question”(oh blah blah). For me it is a very simple question which deserves an equally simple answer: validation. Not a hope- this realisation is so distressing for me because it shows that belief was not there in the beginning and even when proof of abuse is available they will not go there because ideology is at risk. She has told me I can “sack her anytime” and I have decided to follow her advice however astounding this statement could be. It is quite obvious that my wellness is far less important than maintaining a stance which neglects even a trace of self reflection or humility. I guess the yoga classes don’t really work. The problem is I’ve been damaged by her and I shouldn’t have been and I feel like she has a responsibility to make me feel better. It’s not going to happen.