Naff Blue

Harmony eludes me. Stability is merely a wish. I want to hide in the spotlight and scream in the vast darkness. Is it wrong to long for doom?

[inretrospectcity]

I’m not scared of what hides in the dark but that which sits behind a light so bright it will blind you.

[inretrospectcity]

I still remember what it feels like to hug you:

Goodbye like the echos of music under water. Like a last dinner party. Like a call that last hours and then I never pick up again. My brain is twisted and lost. I’m not me. I’m more me than I’ve ever been.

[inretrospectcity]

How do I make space for curiosity when all I am is afraid.

I found an old college I don’t think I would be able to make again. I faced a lot fears to make this for a person I don’t ever want to see again.

[inretrospectcity]

It feels like life is getting shorter and longer by the minute. Each second is one less to spend and with each passing day I plan the next week. I’m holding on to the things I shouldn’t and I’m impatient for the future. Is time just like this? Ticking on and on and ever by. Standing still in the infinity of each moment. Maybe am I too young to really know the end is near. Still praying I’m invincible each time I take a leap of faith. Or maybe I’m too wise for my age, having touched death, cowering in fear of its strange burn. Existence erased and created with each new moment. Older and younger blending into life. Faster and shorter until. Well until nothing. Until everything again.

[inretrospectcity]

My limitations don’t hold me back. They make me, me. And what is a more beautiful art than authenticity.

So who am I?

I hate feeling small. It makes me feel so overly self righteous for caring. Likewise, I hate realizing I don’t matter, yet still wanting better. I hate knowing, after all, my life is too short to ever really change anything. And here I am trying.

In a word, stubborn. I’ve been called foolish. An idealist. But I accept the limitations of my idea perfection. I accept the brief life I will have with vigor.

[inretrospectcity]

So it’s spring.

Death is replaced by life

And feels like the whole world has been erased.

Wild flowers persist where they shouldn’t

Snow falls when it shouldn’t

And the world is as it was all over again and all the more new.

So it’s spring and I’m trying to find meaning in the words I sing,

Even though I don’t feel a thing.

House sold ghosts and all

Playground abandoned as the streetlights come on

A spark of curiosity dies in bloom

I was taught so much about spring and what it means

The birds come back

The sun stays long

People smile more.

The leaves bud and I could tell you about each type

The labels we give things

The newness we take for granted in knowing.

I’ve had a spring before. A spring like this. You could say I know what tears I’ll shed a patterns I’ll never care to break.

I’ve faced my fears before under a bright open sky and still it’s hard to keep my chin up.

That’s something they don’t tell you about life. You have to keep going. Keep coming out to everyone you meet. Keep crying in public. Keep going to work. Keep remembering what was. And still.

And still it’s spring and life goes on with the weird ways we define time that make all the more sense in retrospect than they do in the moment

Seasons change but spring is still spring. A spring that was once mine is no longer something that exists. Loss and love and where does the time go. When is it really the last? Where does the past escape to and do I even care to keep searching?

[inretrospectcity]

Love and patience are a poets wet dream together. I am coming to agree. I will wait for some I deserve.

[inretrospectcity]

I lost my mind in the farthest reaches of the stars, tangled in a deep fantasy of a time that was:

A time that is:

and a time that will be:

[inretrospectcity]

Try and enjoy the sunshine. Try and enjoy the change in seasons.

A speckled sapphire sky and I cry for my self. A beige wall and I think only of the love I have grown to hate. A baby pink lipstick and I hope one day to feel as free as the person who gave it to me.

Is there nothing more complicated. Is there nothing more complete.

[inretrospectcity]

The last heart beat:

For instance the sound of a heart beat

Rather the silence between

In a moment its as every other

Then its not

Could you feel it

Could you hear it

Did it scare you when you noticed it’s absence

In between the moments of its death and yours

Did you try to will life back into your body as I did

Immediately realizing how everything changes

Rapidly and uncontrollably and instantly

Until your heart was still did you fight

You didn’t want to die right?

[inretrospectcity]

Today is the start of a new year:

My footsteps are hollow as my words fall short

Twice, more and more, still there are firsts to be had

How things change as the seasons go on.

How things stay the same in the space between.

My heart feels tangled so I say things I don’t mean.

My life has been mangled and I really just want to scream

Apparently I should let go, embrace a silent end

But I chase the rainbow, still trying to pretend,

That doing what’s right, confronting my fear,

Is fight I must fight, at the start of a new year

[inretrospectcity]

March 30th:

Meaninglessness under a grey sky

How the time flys by

Most of today I’ll try not to cry

When I think of the moments that die

It’s been a year since you were here, my dear.

I keep wishing it would all be clear

There would be answers in words I hear

There would be reasons in the echos of your life

The ripples we make fade with strife

The pain we feel lessens with time

Id tear my heart out if I could

Wander the underworlds for a soul

Dream that one day in another life…

A year is a long time to learn to be someone new

A year is a long time to learn to live without you

And all I wonder is if today you miss me too.

Those last shared smiles

A missed phone call

The in betweens we never thought about

I want to tell myself you’re okay but I wouldn’t be here if you were.

So I’ll watch the videos you left and share the pictures I’ve seen too many times

I’ll laugh and I’ll cry and feel everything thing else

Maybe one day I’ll stop wondering where you are and what you’re doing and leave you to your peace but what is a sister for if not to annoy you even in death.

[inretrospectcity]

And still each moment finds the next

And still I find the air has not run out

And still I find the strength to smile

And still I find the bravery to love

And still I find my heart to hug

And still my tears stain my face

And still I spend time waiting

And still I look to the sky for the clouds

And still the words crowd my brain

And still I find peace in the day

And still I know there is more still

[inretrospectcity]

I’m lying when I say I’m over it. I’m lying when I say I’ve let go of you. You’re a traitor that I want to trust again. You crushed my heart and all I want is for you to crush the rest of me.

[inretrospectcity]

I’m reliving life

It’s all a circle

Patterns

Clock work

Stuck in cycles

Is the only way out to stop or push through?

[inretrospectcity]

Growing pains

Moving on

Letting go

Repeating patterns hoping they will break

Stagnation like the middle of a hurricane

A breath like the weight of a mountain

Hope like a diving hawk

Faith like a forest fire

Despair like a spiteful cactus

And still all I know is I miss you

[inretrospectcity]

You said I couldn’t fail you

But this if anything will let you down

So let me down gently

Tell me you love me

And I’m alone in my love