Today I am fed up. I am frustrated. I am broken. And I am full of despair and hope. Today I weigh my heaviest I've been - 215 lbs. And I hate myself. The conversation with my husband on the way to work was essentially a run down of everything I have failed to accomplish for myself and a view of his waning confidence that I'll ever achieve the level of healthy that I want. And I don't know if I should hate him for being an ass to do that or thank him for the harsh truths that are accurate. The whole time he was reminding me that I said I'd cut back on drinking Coca Cola my eyes burned with tears because all I could hear, translated by the self-loathing that I experience every time I look in a mirror, was that I'm fat and he hates in. But the logical part hiding my my head has convinced me he meant well but he doesn't know how else to say it... He's worried. I'm worried. The depression I experience from all of this, the frustration, the hate, the feeling like I'll never get it right... it's damaging to myself and my husband. So. Today. I'm committing to myself to get better. To figure out how to quit being tired. To figure out how to make healthy meals on a budget. To lose the weight. To feel beautiful. To never quit. Because right now, I don't think I have a choice. And this blog... Will be the proof of the fight that this journey will be. It will show the tears, the wins, the times I have to pick my lazy ass up to fight another round. And maybe one day, when I'm stronger I can share this with my loved ones but until then I know I'm in good company.
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