I want you now more than I ever have. So intensely.. and it feels like my heart is trying to escape my chest. Every damn moment of every day, my head is filled with thoughts of you on repeat. A playlist of you on shuffle. Your tamarind eyes. Your moles. Your silky, dark roast hair. Your sweet laugh. Your smell. Your sheer presence. Your big sweaters and fancy button downs. The sound of your skateboard. The sound of you leaving. The sound of you drumming on your knees, on the table, on a glass, on my shoulders. The feeling of your arms around my body when you hug me and sway side to side. When I wonder when you'll let go. The feeling of your beard on my face when you don't have the balls to kiss my lips. The feeling of your lips when you do. When you grab my face and my body and kiss me deeply. When you hold me everywhere so tightly, wrap my leg around your body, run circles in my head so lightly, look into my eyes ever so slightly. The feeling of crawling into your bed. Looking into your eyes... and you looking into mine. Your fingers brushing my lips, my chin, my neck... my lips. The sound of you sleeping softly. The sound of you snoring loudly. The sound of you singing in the shower proudly. The sound of you calling me sweetie. The sound of you calling me beautiful. The sound of you calling me smart. The sound of you simply calling me. The sound of your heartbeat. The feeling of your hand slipping into mine... and somehow not feeling afraid. In love? God no... but I'd like to be. I want to fall in love with you. I want to smile in the middle of the day because of something you said two weeks ago. I want to leave a hot coffee on your desk in the morning. I want to split a lunch with you between classes. I want to be annoyed with you because you lit a cigarette. I want to annoy you because I forgot to eat breakfast. I want lay in your bed and listen to music. I want to dive into your comfy sweaters and tie your sweatpants tight to make them fit and mix match your socks and then let you take it all off anyway. I want to kiss your chest and ears and get high and listen to you ramble about something just so I can hear you be carefree. So I can hear you be yourself unapologetically. I want to dance around the room with you and let you pick me up and spin me around. I want to watch spike jonze movies and flip through berenice abbott's photos, and I want you to see that I listen to you, and I want you to care that I do. I want your heart to flutter when I remember your favorite things or little moments or when I notice parts of you that no one else does. I want you to wake up and wonder what I'm doing and damnit I want you to ask. I want simply saying hi to not feel like risky text. I want to open my heart up to you, and I want you to love it.. I want you to wonder what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, what I want out of life. I want you to wonder who I was, who I am, and who I will be. I want you to want to know all of me. I want you to want to fall in love with me.
