Self-Appointed Mushroom King

it's a dynamic i've more or less entirely made up in my own mind, but i really have a lot of fun with the concept of shane being hayden and jackie's queerplatonic third. it's just that 0 out of 3 people in this relationship know the word "queerplatonic". but like the kids get mad at hayden for making them do their homework, so they promote shane to dad. hayden gets demoted to uncle hayden.

internet-or-sleep

anyways on this fine afternoon i am thinking about the "shane gets a dog" au @grayaceshanehollander and i came up with, in which late situationship-era shane does a bit of volunteer and promo work with a local montreal animal shelter, as a charity campaign to get more animals adopted. it works GREAT, because everyone in montreal wants to see their beloved captain hollander laughing as he wrestles with big ol dogs and cooing softly at a pile of kittens in his lap.

in one of the videos, a dog who's just been brought in, a very excitable borzoi/husky mix who LOVES to yell and has the biggest, stupidest ol satellite dishes for ears, is in the yard, sees shane, and gets so excited to meet his new friend that he tackles shane clean onto the ground. shane, while initially startled, cracks up laughing because this goofy-ass dog is just so earnest and enthusiastic.

"you ever consider playing hockey?" he asks, doing his best to extricate his sweater from the dog's mouth. "you check harder than rozanov, don't you?"

this gives the shelter volunteers the bright idea to name this ridiculous creature ilya ruffanov, which is also great for metrics. get this clip trending on twitter, montreal!

and then one of the videos drops where shane is sitting in the grass with ilya ruffanov flopped against him, tongue lolling out while shane rubs his chest, and shane smiles at the camera and says "yeah, this is definitely my favorite ilya," and of course this clip gets memed on so hard. approximately 53298218 people are tagging ilya rozanov with this clip in his mentions.

shane's phone is blowing up with texts from lily, who is trying so hard to be offended, but also LOOK AT THOSE EAAAARS. THOSE BIG DOOFUS EYES. what a SPLENDID creature. how can he not love this ridiculous-looking dog that is named after him? how can he not melt watching the love of his life UHHH that is, um, his fuckbuddy. his fuckbuddy. playing with a big, silly dog. he is normal about this. fuck. hollander send him more dog photos. hollander. hollander send him dog photos FASTER

anyways. shane isn't planning to get a dog, but he's also a high-strung, active, kinda lonely and anxious person, and when he's so constantly concerned about keeping himself controlled and media-ready and Normal™, there is something so healing about being around a creature that is so genuinely happy to see him no matter what.

so. shane gets a dog.

as a borzoi/husky mix, ilya ruffanov is SO happy to go on runs with shane every morning, galumphing along with his ridiculous ears flapping majestically. (a paparazzi photo of shane hollander's real, genuine laugh as he looks at his silly beast mid-run hits the internet. ilya rozanov stares at it for an embarrassingly long time. don't worry about it.)

obviously ilya rozanov needs to meet this dog. he's blowing up shane's phone. he's commenting in post-game press. he's on twitter. Hollander Let Me Pet Your Dog. Hollander I Want To Pet This Dog. Hollander Let Me In. Hollander He Is Named After Me I Need To Pet This Dog. Let Me In. the internet loves this, and it's also still generating press for the animal shelter. shane considers this and finally is like you know what? yeah, fine, it won't be weird if we're seen hanging out, this is a really good excuse honestly. sure, you can meet my dog. this could be fun, even. okay. sure.

so the next time boston comes to montreal, shane actually opens his rarely-used instagram to post a photo of his dog in a hollander jersey with a caption of, "he's excited that human ilya will be in town today!"

and then he sits back and waits, smiling, to see the incredibly dramatic, offended texts from lily start rolling in. HUMAN ILYA? H U M A N I L Y A ???? WHY ISN'T HE DOG ILYA? I WAS HERE FIRST. HOLLANDER YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?? HOLLANDER I SEE YOU READING THESE. HOLLANDER

i actually don't at all comprehend how people can be out here writing fics that acknowledge ilya being bitter at shane for not wanting to come out after getting threatened by the commissioner, and then putting his hands on him in anger during the boxing day fight, and never even fucking apologizing for any of it or being there for him when the horrors start eating him alive, and then still play it off like they're a happy healthy good couple. like genuinely what the fuck is that

thinking about shane hollander and being mixed-race and assimilation and culture loss...

yuna mentions in ep1 that hockey is something that made her feel like a real canadian. to me this suggests two possibilities: a) she might be an immigrant herself, one who came to canada young and assimilated as a child, or b) her grandparents were the ones who immigrated; her parents, born in canada, experienced japanese internment when they were young, and therefore pushed her hard to assmiliate because they keenly felt the consequences of being othered and didn't want that for her.

either way, i think this leads to yuna raising shane in a sort of mixture of cultures. i think she's proud enough of being japanese that she'd want her child to speak it, especially given that as he gets older, him being visibly asian in hockey is clearly something meaningful to her. i also really like the idea of david trying to learn japanese for her (he's not fluent - just vaguely conversational - and she often tells him his accent is atrocious, but she's very fond of it).

that said, shane vs intensely white hockey culture and the pressures of being mixed: too asian to be white, too white to be asian, too other to be either. his coping mechanism is to try his hardest to assimilate, to be normal in the locker room and with his classmates: no "weird" food in his lunches. only calling yuna mom in front of his white friends, instead of kaa-san like he says at home. asking her not to say shane-kun in front of them because they'll tease him and think it's funny.

but the thing about assimilation is that no matter how white you try to act it'll never be enough. it's about taking your culture for granted and not realizing what you're distancing yourself from, until you're left grasping for what of it you have left, because you finally realized that you will always be an outsider anyway. i think that's something that finally hits shane once his pro hockey career gets into full swing, when he's around 20 or so, and it hits him that he used to be fluent in japanese as a child, but he's lost so much of it over the years because he just... stopped speaking it.

so that's when he starts trying to learn again, and starts talking to yuna in japanese more again, and picks up some books in japanese, and maybe watches jdramas or anime on planes. because he's in the nhl and he is The Asian Guy and no one has ever let him forget it, so what's the point in trying to run from it when it's just him and the silence? he used to be fluent when he was a little kid, and it hurts to realize how much he's forgotten.

of course, because of who shane is as a person, this is a very private thing. he still doesn't really speak japanese outside the family, and it's a significant mark of trust when he answers a phone call from yuna in front of hayden and jj and greets her as kaa-san, not mom. he doesn't bring japanese food when he packs his lunches because he knows he'll be eating in front of his white teammates. he compartmentalizes (what's more shane hollander than compartmentalization?).

ilya actually has no idea that shane speaks japanese until the cottage because shane just. doesn't. it's a sign of emotional vulnerability and trust and for so long, shane wasn't sure how emotionally vulnerable he was really allowed to be in front of ilya, not after sochi/vegas 2014 and everything that spiraled from there.

but then they're at the cottage and shane's got hockey books written in japanese (translations of books he's already read in english, mostly) stacked on the coffee table, and shane's snacking on salted nori (he's happy to offer ilya some, too), and there's some of yuna's old cds of 80s jpop sitting by the speakers, and ilya realizes that huh. there's a whole other side of himself that shane has been holding back this whole time. and now he's finally letting ilya see it. and that means more to him than he can really put into words. (so obviously they fuck nasty about it.)

man it's like . i understand why reading tlg might make some people hate on hayden and jj. however, reading tlg just made me hate the entirety of tlg, so. it's just not real to me. it's simply bad. it's a bad book that does massive disservices to just about every character with a significant role in it. shane gets hatecrimed, ilya is a horrible partner, hayden is incoherent, and jj doesn't comprehend the concept of outing people being bad, like. oh my god. it's not real to me, and i simply want shane hollander to have good friends, so i'm doing that.

plus, with regard to jj, rr never put any thought into how being the only two people of color in the montreal locker room would impact their relationship, but trust me, I Am Putting Thought Into It. I Am Thinking About It So Hard. JJ Boiziau/Dagenais I Will Save You

do you ever think about ilya's face in that bit in the stairwell scene...

thinking about rose landry and lesbianism. i think it takes her a minute to accept that she might actually be gay too (i am 6k into a fic about this. dont look at me), but after some processing she's like okay… maybe. maybe. maybe shane is right. maybe i AM gay. okay shane hollander, whisk me away on a big gay adventure!

and as a show of solidarity, shane goes with her to a lesbian bar in la next time he's in town (he's also a little nervous about this, but he's like. well if im going to an establishment full of women probably no one will think thats gay, right? they might think its weird to be a man going to a lesbian bar but i can live with that). she's in disguise so she doesn't have to be Rose Landry™ here. she's just some girl in a wig and fake glasses who brought her friend along as moral support. she's just "shane's friend who was nervous to come here alone" (an older butch coos at her about this and she goes weak in the knees, which could mean nothing.)

except i just think shane hollander walks into a dyke bar (even in la, which is not a big hockey town) and within like 5 minutes the sports butches have identified him and descended on him to talk about hockey. poor rose is having a crisis because she's surrounded by hot women, and her emotional support bestie has kind of abandoned her in order to explain penalty kill strategies to a group of sports butches who are taking turns glancing at her and smiling encouragingly at her over shane's shoulder.

and rose is left standing there like. i dont know what i expected. okay.

(shane. shane!! there's a beautiful butch who just invitingly patted the armrest of her armchair and smiled at her. shane, stop talking about chicago's power play for a minute! this is important! what does she do?!? shane!!!! help!!!)

(she tugs on his sleeve and makes an expression of frantic gay confusion/alarm/excitement and then jerks her head at the beautiful butch, and he goes hm? oh! great! go for it 👍 have fun! 😃👍)

(and she's like. this is the most shane hollander reaction of all time. i Really don't know what i expected.)

rose leaves the bar with the phone number of at least one beautiful butch who was charmed by her uncertain but excited demeanor. shane leaves the bar having somehow been added to a group chat of los angeles jock butches. there's a carabiner on his keys that wasn't there when they arrived. neither of them is really sure how that happened but he's very appreciative because it's a quite nice, sturdy carabiner.

(they're debriefing later and rose is like oh my god, i didn't get her number but that other woman was hitting on me right? she was? if a guy looked at me like that i would totally know. but when it's a girl??)

(and shane is like don't ask me. my boyfriend had to start jerking off while making direct eye contact with me before i figured out he was trying to hit on me. 🤷‍♂️)

(and rose snorts water out her nose. SHANE HOLLANDER. your boyfriend did wHAT?!)

"shane doesn't watch movies" extremely loud incorrect buzzer! shane watches enough movies that he knew the somewhat obscure bad movie rose was complaining about by like two sentences about it. he's a rose fan! he's got film opinions. it's part of how they bonded! they were both mutually fans of each other and interested in what the other does.

therefore i posit: shane hollander on letterboxd. once he and rose are besties, he comes up with a hilarious running gag, where he rates rose landry movies but specifically always leaves something like

"7/10. fantastic score. wouldve been 8/10 if there was hockey in it."

"5/10 but that's mostly because of the poor editing, i think. rose landry is the only reason this movie is as good as it is at all. mightve been 6/10 if there was hockey in it."

"9/10!!! INCREDIBLE cinematography. i loved everything about this, except that it didn't have any hockey in it (would've made it that elusive 10/10)"

rose thinks this is the funniest shit she's ever seen. mr hockey autism is aware that he's mr hockey autism and he's weaponizing it for a joke so dorky it loops back around to being hysterical to her.

she's sending him more movies to rate, not just her own but everything from obscure art house films to classic blockbusters. shane, can you tell me where they could've put a hockey scene in star wars: the empire strikes back? (yeah, duh, on hoth. the whole planet is frozen over, what better place for a hockey rink?) okay yeah that was on her. too easy. shane, where could they have put a hockey scene in inception?

eventually she sends him a terrible hallmark christmas hockey player romance to get his rating ("hey shane, this one does have hockey in it!") and he just instantly goes 😐 0/10. that's not what a slapshot is. and it only gets worse from there.

he's blowing up her phone as he's watching. "the defensive positioning during the ??? playoff game ??? scene (in DECEMBER???) is utter nonsense. why would the defenders chase the puck? they're not forwards. and the third faceoff should have been in the offensive zone faceoff circle because that's closest to where the puck was previously iced (not that that was properly called, either). additionally, the main character's wrist shot technique was straight up painful to watch--"

[45 minutes later]

"-- and that deke was so painfully choreographed i don't even want to call it a deke. why does this so-called star center never pass to his wingers from a face-off? oh my god that's NOT how slapshots work. DID THEY JUST CALL THAT WRIST SHOT A BACKHAND? NO WAY!!!! oh my god no why is she hopping the boards??? spectators can't do that just bc a player got injured, she can't--"

it never ends. he's in agony. rose. rose he can't watch this. rose he's dying. rose why did you do this to him???

and rose is like. okay shane. if it's really that bad, you could just... stop watching?

and shane, world's most competitive man, even when he really doesn't need to be, just goes No. That'd Be Letting Hallmark Win. >:(

(he will be posting a 1000 word review of every single thing this movie got wrong about hockey on his letterboxd after this. it's cathartic okay)

polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup

ooh wait okay this is getting away from the point of the original au (to demonstrate how fucked the og story is) but im so compelled by the bell center loving and wanting to save shane. he's begging her to kill him and maybe she'd try but what if instead she just wanted to KEEP him. like, to her he walked out one day and then came back in agony wanting not to play but to die. he's with a new team and he's not on her ice anymore and he wants to die. obviously the only solution is to Not Let Him Go again. shift the rooms around or something. create an inner sanctum around him that shouldn't exist. he's not leaving and they're not getting to him. i wonder if there's a version of events where the magic of an arena with a favorite person is enough to snap the curse. the whale has a favorite alga and is going to eat the thing making it suffer. i know that's not the point of the au overall but maybe this is a subset of the au that's instead about montreal loving shane no matter what rr claimed lmao

I always have tiny little offshoots of my AUs on my head where I get to chew on storylines that I know doesn’t work with the point of the overall fic but it’s still Fun Silly Enrichment for me.

I personally like the idea that the arena can’t free Shane of the curse no matter what. It’s just not what it is. It’d be like hiring a whale to do brain surgery. Arenas are Big and Slow and Clumsy and meant to be Homes. Their walls house cheers and victories and joy, years and years and years of it, and they hold the roof above the rink’s head and the walls around its sides so that more joy may echo between. Curse breaking is messy and delicate and precise and intelligent work, and an arena can no more extract a curse than it can file your taxes. It’s just not what it is.

Which is one of the reasons why Shane asks the arena to kill him. He knows it can’t free him from the curse. It can exert control over the things in its roofs and its floors and its walls and that’s it. The best he can hope for is to be swallowed.

But I have indulged in an au of my own au where the building has significantly more control over itself than I imagine it generally having and instead of trying to kill Shane during the second game it decides that absolutely no one is going anywhere until this shit is FIXED and it locks every single door in the building and starts flashing every light and setting off every alarm and running every faucet at full power until someone figures out why it’s mad and Saves Her Fucking Boy.

Except it’s just some horribly underpaid on-site witch who’s mostly just there in case someone tosses a hex in the crowd and just graduated from witch college like a week ago like

Witch, sweating, to Shane: I think it wants you to apologize to it for betraying it??

*sounds of 37 lightbulbs exploding at the same time*

Witch, sweating harder, but not as much as the curse is sweating: or it could be something else

internet-or-sleep

#the stepford wife curse au #heated rivalry #fic

chillpillahh

How it all started

#the amazing digital circus #art

Can we please get him out of the recycle bin

Born to be a digital god, defeated by a CAPTCHA

A parent would always recognize their child

That little bumblebee on the poster has to be him.. Let me cope

Don't antagonize his favorite insect collection Zooble