In the Now

Just the inner workings of a sad 23 year old girl. I hope you like my blog. :)

[inthenowblog]

I feel like all I ever do is get on here every year or two and make some sappy post about how much I miss you. How much I love you. How much I would kill to have you in my arms. Yes, I realize this is so melodramatic it's disgusting. Maybe it's sad, pathetic, I know. But in reality, I don't fucking care and I'm going to keep doing it.

I've now made it a point to tell you how I feel. I sent you a love letter for you birthday. I went back in time and I made you a mixtape because that's how BOTH of us expressed our love. I flirt with you every chance I get. You flirt back sometimes, but it always leaves me in a weird metaphorical padded room in my mind.

Are you scared? Is that why it never goes any further than occasional innocent flirting anymore? I'm hoping and praying and holding out for the moment where you word vomit all of your feelings to me. Maybe it's a drunken lonely night, maybe you just got back from being on the ship and realize you want more for your life.

All I know is I love you with my entire being. I've never stopped loving you. In all honesty, I've tried, but you are my one. You are the person my soul is meant to spend the rest of my life with and grow a family with. You are the person I want to wake up and fall asleep next to. The person I want to navigate the insane world of dating and marriage with as long as I'm breathing.

[inthenowblog]

I’ve really been missing you lately. I’m not sure if it’s because I feel like my life has been a downward spiral or if I’m just crazy, but I can guarantee I’m not going to be able to shake this feeling any time soon. You’re my best friend. You have been for a big portion of my life. It doesn’t matter where either of us are, at the drop of a hat, we’re there for each other. But I want that intimacy back with you. I want to touch your skin. I want to taste your lips after a long day. I want you to take care of me when my depression worsens and I want to hold you when you cry. I’ve been thinking about our last fight before you went to college. I’ve never screamed at someone with such passion in my entire life and still been just as in love when the fight was over.

If I could wish for anything right now it would be you. At least one more night drive with the music blasting. One more surprise with flowers. One more date paddle boarding at the lake and going to get ice cream after. One more meal cooked by you. One more card game that I don’t understand with your grandparents. One more conversation about our future together. One more vacation to our favorite spot in Cali. One more “I love you.”

You used to be so good to me and it pains me to think you’re being just as good, if not better, to someone else.

k.p.

12/6/20  8:12pm

[inthenowblog]

I trusted you with everything I was. Literally everything. I could be completely myself with you 24/7. You were always that person I knew even if we weren’t talking I could hit you up no matter the time if I needed something and you’d be there. You went above and beyond for me always. The second I let my guard down you took advantage of me. It’s like you’d spent all these years studying everything about me to plan the perfect chance to finally feel my skin on your lips. You knew my strengths and my weaknesses. You knew how I felt about the boys and men in my life always. I’m supposed to choose what happens with my body, nobody else. You ripped that right of mine straight out of my reach. You’re a piece of fucking shit. It’s hard for me to instantly lose respect for people, but you pushed me to my limit. You’ve done something to me that I legitimately don’t want to tell anyone because I’m embarrassed. I feel like I should’ve known better. I started thinking about killing myself again. I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. But thank you for showing your true colors. Now I know where you stand.

k.p.

7/13/19  1:22 am

[inthenowblog]

Writing is the most terrifying thing someone can do. You can be a completely different person, make up any kind of story or be brutally honest with whoever you want to and the reader will never truly know which one it is.

k.p. 

6/10/19  10:43 pm

[inthenowblog]

uɐǝlɔ ƃuᴉɯoɔ

The first night Dax and I hooked up was nothing short of special. He showed me that someone beyond my home life would be willing to give me the attention I hadn’t been getting for months. I craved that attention like no other. I wanted it more than I wanted to breathe. Shortly after expressing that to him, my life changed drastically. He made me fall in love so fast I didn’t even know which way was up anymore. I was in my own version of Alice in Wonderland. A scary, fucked up, depressive, real life Alice in Wonderland. I had cheated for the first time and I immediately wanted to disappear from the entire universe. In some weird way, the last nearly year of my life felt like a joke. I laid in bed next to Andrew and hallucinated waves of all the people who’ve treated me like shit throughout my entire life just laughing at me and waving me in like I was finally where I belonged. I cried night after night after night not because I was unhappy, well partially, but mostly because I knew I fucked up the only good thing I had in my life and the only way for me to cope with that was to run away from it. That’s what I’ve been taught to do; run from my problems. I moved in with Dax and I forced myself into this fantasy state of happiness in attempt to prove that I wasn’t running and what I caused for myself was what I truly wanted, even though it wasn’t. Sure I was happy a lot of the time, but it was more because I was accepting that things would be the way they were for a while and I adapted to the situation at hand. Dax did a lot of amazing things for me over the span of 6 months, but he also did some really shitty. As did I for him.

I’m the type of person that likes to be taken care of even though my motherly nature is extremely excessive when I’m in a relationship. The only person who has appreciated that part of me and has still continued to take care of me when I wanted it was Andrew and I missed it so much. Dax bought me things and spoiled me, but after a while I felt like he didn’t view me as a person anymore because our relationship was just always about THINGS. I felt like just another THING to him.

Truth is, I left Andrew because I was scared of the consequences of my fuck up and didn’t want to deal with it. I never stopped loving him. I never wanted things to end. I lied and faked my way through a job, a relationship, and an ex boyfriend because I’m a pussy bitch and a child. I carried Andrew’s promise ring with me every single day no matter who I was with or what I was doing while we were apart. It eased my shitty moods because I felt like he was still there with me.

19 has surely already been the hardest, yet most self-reflective year for me so far. It’s time for me to REALLY grow up and stand up for what I want and who I want to be. So here I am admitting to my mistakes and being honest with myself. It’s hard, but I’ve gotta do it.

[inthenowblog]

You meant so much to me because you acted as a placeholder for what I thought I’d get back. I thought, maybe, proving to myself that I was strong enough to finally move on and give my entire self up to another boy he would come crawling back with the same puppy dog eyes I learned to love the night we hooked up for the first time. I saw much of him in you as well, so it made it much easier to “fall in love.” It took a whole year to realize what I was looking to gain out of my relationship with you. I think it was mostly validation and attention. As soon as it wasn’t enough for me, I found someone else. God, I’m such a shitty person because then I hurt you in the same way he hurt me. I’m sorry.

2.19.19  7:40pm

[inthenowblog]

“You play hard to get. Like you’re into yourself and so emotionally unattached to everyone unless you’re absolutely sure they deserve your attention, but to the people who deserve it you wear your heart on your sleeve and act completely different.”

-Paul Fitz-Patrick on the subject of Me

[inthenowblog]

I’m at a point in my life where my peers are either entirely clueless when it comes to politics or is extremely outspoken about their beliefs and opinions. I’m not going to sit here and tell you I know exactly what I’m talking about or I understand what’s happening in the news all the time because I don’t. I haven't been formally taught the difference between Republican and Democratic views. I wasn’t even made fully aware that Clinton still served the rest of his term after being impeached until about 30 minutes prior to me writing this. To my knowledge, impeachment is when someone in office is caught doing something they’re not supposed to and is forced to step down from their position. I now know that isn't necessarily true. Throughout my 18 years of life, I have relied solely on my parents and teachers to inform me of how things in the government work and the ins and outs of politics. It didn’t occur to me until this year that relying on anyone else to teach me about such controversial topics and beliefs is unreasonable. What goes on in the world around me is something I need to teach myself about. In doing so, it will be easier to form my own opinions and not have other people pushing theirs onto me. I have grown up in a house where talking about politics isn’t a common thing and an era where the internet is a huge advantage. I was always taught to believe in what I want and form my own opinions, so why not start doing so on bigger topics and things that actually matter in the world. Not that the debate on whether 5 Seconds of Summer is a boy band or not isn’t important, but that’s not the point. To anyone my age, older, younger... anyone who doesn’t inform themselves of the tragedies and successes of your country and our world, I encourage to start doing so. Speak up when you believe it is necessary. Discuss and debate topics that need to be talked about. Stand up for yourself, your religion, your race, and everything far and few between. Be the voice that the person sitting next to you may not have. Be the change you want to see. Who knows, with the right platform or the right people around you, you could make the biggest difference in the world.

k.p.

[inthenowblog]

To the one I love:

I wonder if you ever miss me the way I miss you.

Sincerely,

2 months of loneliness

[inthenowblog]

I will love you because you showed me what it feels like to be loved

I will love you with the same passion I had in the beginning

I will love you until I’m blue in the face

But don’t ever doubt the love that I give

Because if for some reason you decide you don’t want it,

I will stop out of respect

And eventually you’ll want it back more than anything

But you will have missed out

10/15/17 2:26 am

[inthenowblog]

10/1/17 5:51 pm

[inthenowblog]

I trusted you I gave you more of myself than I ever have anyone You weren't perfect by far But I loved everything about you I knew in the back of my mind You'd hurt me the most Yet I still let myself fall That was my first mistake But I've moved on Not completely I never will completely You did that to me I am thankful for all that you taught me And for everything you’ve given me And for the time you allowed me to love you And for the time I allowed you build me up and break me down 9/21/17 9:47 am

[inthenowblog]

I’m only ever too much or not enough I guess I’ll never figure out a balance I either feel the need to fight harder than I ever have Or not fight at all I get so comfortable in relationships My excessive side shows more and more But in my head I do everything right It’s just a matter of everyone needing to accept who I am 9/26/17 10:31 pm

[inthenowblog]

I shed a single tear And I watched it run down my cheek as fast as it could go It travelled at the same pace I felt you ran from me Then the flood started

9/10/17 7:35 pm

[inthenowblog]

During the day you got me lovin myself more than I ever have, but during the night you got me simpin harder than I ever have.

[inthenowblog]

You fed me bullshit and I inhaled it like it was the last meal I’d ever eat.

[inthenowblog]

To whom it may concern:

I am terribly sorry for whatever I've done to deserve the hurt I'm feeling right now.

Sincerely, A broken heart