I have a close intp friend. I’m an isfj (borderline on f). We have been friends for over 8 years and I really love him like a brother. But I crave to feel his love, spend more time with him, and he can be very distant and cold. Sometimes I think maybe he really doesn’t care for me as much as I do for him. He does give me warm handshakes and squeezes my arm on occasion. But he makes me feel insecure since I always have to initiate contact etc. What do you think?
Hey, sorry to get back to you so so late, so maybe this isn’t a pressing question anymore(?), but i’ll try to answer either way. (Usual preface- I won’t answer on his behalf because of course people of the same type are still different to one another), but as someone who does those same kind of things with even less physical contact, I can say that it’s likely he just has different ways of showing he cares, on top of how his mind works. I say it’s partly just how his mind works because, living with my own as a reference for this, I tend to get distracted and pulled into my own head for weeks—even months on end, not really giving much external connection to things. This doesnt mean we don’t care, (I care, and definitely your friend likely cares a lot) it just means it’s hard to stay aware and on top of what other people need from us as much. We get sucked into projects or a state of mind for a while and that takes priority whether we mean for it to or not. I’d call it a kind of ‘social spacing out’ if that makes sense. Its not personal, its just a lack of total awareness which can have these side effects of not giving attention and keeping in contact with reality and those in it. As for how he shows he cares, remember that everyone has different methods for how they show that. Some show it through touch, others through spending time with you, or offering words that tell you how they feel, that can affirm your connection in whatever form that takes. Maybe he listens to you vent or fixes something broken, or reworks how you do something to make it more efficient and save you precious time. This isnt to put all of this work on you in meeting him where he’s at in your friendship, I just mean to point your view of his actions in new directions that you may be missing in order to see that he does care a lot and that seeing those can help you out in feeling valued. And if he truly isn’t showing he cares or you are still doubting that there are those signs, etc, it really doesn’t hurt to just have a conversation and say, “hey you’ve been kind of distant lately, is there something up?” This will help in just being upfront and blunt enough that it will both wake him up from the ‘social spacing out’ to remembering that you and others are around and need to be paid attention to, as well as open that conversation up so you two can feel more on the same page with what you need. Maybe this was a longer answer than you needed, but I’m not inclined to think you have to worry too much about him not caring. A good sign is that he still does the occasional reassuring physical contact, but with that being said I’d recommend looking in different areas for clues that he cares (because I’d bet that there are some that are maybe not being seen as that kind of sign) and/or having a conversation about the distance that’s been created. Also— If he’s not showing he cares enough either way, like its hard to identify etc, he should also work to meet you halfway in making sure that you know he cares as well-just a note. Its not completely on you to maintain the friendship of course. Hope it works out for you and you can feel better about things with him.
Thanks for stopping by :)
