so, i know that you will probably see this and I am sorry, but we haven’t seen each other in over a month and I’ve been trying to figure out why love or what every you want to call it sounds more like an apology then a confession when it comes out of my mouth. I have come to the conclusion that it’s because i have been emotionally unavailable since I’ve learned that no matter how much you want someone, it will not make them miss you. I find myself surrounded by those who have left more than those who have stayed so often they start to blur together. like those nights I tried to drown myself in alcohol to get over you, but only to get up in the morning and throw up the thoughts of what we once had. You once said that you would stay. stay and be by my side forever, then with everything I was going through you told our friends that you were just “giving me time” but you didn’t notice I was suffocating under that absence of everyone who had promised to stay. Someone once told me “leave before they love you, or you’ll stay until they don’t anymore.” You were writing my name in cement while I was carving yours in a tree market to be cut down, saying “this is what happens when someone ruins you before you have the chance to ruin them.” I’ve fallen in love with you more times then I can count, and I’m not sure if that means I’ve fallen out of love just as many. I kept showing you the way out cause I wanted to see if you would leave or find a way to lock the door. I was to busy tearing them off their hinges to notice you were desperately trying to bolt them shut, I guess it’s only fitting I’m left asking the windowpanes where you went. I think if the things I want to say to you like, “it’s for the best” or “maybe it was never that good anyway” but when I get the chance to say anything all that comes out is I miss you, let me stay. I tried not to let this bitterness leave a bad taste in my mouth, but I am done trying. I. am. done. but then all I can fucking think about is you leaning in first for anyone but me. The weight of your absence is so heavy I can’t remember what it feels like to breathe without gasping. There are over a hundred different ways to say I miss you but I’m stumbling over every single one and I realized you can only write about someone so much until the only thing you can write about is the last time you saw them. They say you’re only as good as the company you keep, so I guess that’s why I wasn’t doing so well since you left. but that was me. I am done. now I am trying to be a better person I just don’t know how.
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jacobvanloon
