You Deserve Better

20 :) Embracing differences... How about a kiss, Saumensch?

[1995lahaine]

HIM REFUSING TO WORK WITH A DIALECT COACH IS SO FUCKING FUNNY I LOVE THIS MAN HE’S INSANE

[albertserra]

EeeYYEEENT GONTAKETHEBLAYME

[eightdoctor]

internet ransom note where instead of magazine letters it’s just jpgs of letters found on google

[eightdoctor]

[otherwindow]

Consider: A fantasy series where the court wizard is treated and portrayed just like an IT guy. Court Wizard, fixing the Queen’s magic mirror: has’t thee attempted cleansing and reapplying the runes anew?

[otherwindow]

Court Wizard sees like 17 hexes in the magic mirror and finds out the Flamebarrier blessing was turned off.

[otherwindow]

Court Wizard finally fixes the magic mirror and sees a reflection of the Queen reciting: Show me beautiful forest nymphs. Show me where to find beautiful forest nymphs. Show me local witches willing to summon beautiful forest nymphs to my kingdom. Show me beautiful witches. Show m

[fanonical]

wow it was so lucky that harry ron and hermione found people to polyjuice into to sneak into the ministry that fit their general regular appearance and colour palettes

[irebeliya]

[dankmemesreasonforliving]

[simonalkenmayer]

Date me.

You can pack meat in dates and bake it. It’s lovely. Especially with a bit of mustard.

Delicious.

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

Simon’s in one relationship and in a tentative engagement to me, the Pie Goblin who lives in the lazy susan so take a number

[simonalkenmayer]

Aren’t you the cutest little pie goblin? Oh yes you are!

*scratches chin*

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

You MIGHT be trying to patronize me, but you’re describing my ideal living situation. Pies, chin-scratches, lazy susan. This is all on my list.

[simonalkenmayer]

I wouldn’t dare patronize you. You’d punish me with too many capital letters and >:O’s

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

>: O ??? Are those punishment? I’ve been UNDER THE IMPRESSION that I’m delightful in conversation. Just be glad it’s text. I also talk in caps lock in real life.

[simonalkenmayer]

That’s it Molly Anne…punish me with punctuation.

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

Listen. This is what you get for letting a goblin move into your cupboard. You signed up for this, my friend. Now you have to face the consequences.

I believe it was Socrates who once said “Molly Anne demands lemon meringue, and there is nothing you can do to stop her.”

He was a wise man.

[simonalkenmayer]

Hurts so good.

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

Quit Being Weird

[simonalkenmayer]

Says the Pie Goblin in my rafters, next in line to wed me.

[parlerenfleurs]

I’m just amused to see you’re flirting with someone whose username contains the word “vampire” xD

[simonalkenmayer]

She flirted with me. I was obeying the rules of comedic effect

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

Literally I was not flirting I was asking to live in a cabinet in your house for pie and you took us on this wild fucking ride of debauchery and sin and I am excusing myself at the next exit.

[murakel]

There are 3 types of participants in Simon’s experiment:

People who think they’re faking

People who want to bone them

People who came for the recipes and stayed for the antics of the other two groups

[simonalkenmayer]

Regrettably true.

Then there’s the other type: the people who believe me and treat me with respect.

Those are the smallest group

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

HOLD ON I want to be Absolutely Clear that I’m not in group two. I’m not being coy here please do not include that in any mental Simon Lore collection I am just trying to live my life in peace thank you.

[simonalkenmayer]

Haunting my reactors and eating all my pies.

[silverflame137]

Excuse me, I came because Simon is really nice and funny. I’m staying to hear about Goody and Chef.

[simonalkenmayer]

This post is ancient in the timeline of tumblr but well met and please do stay for Goody. He speaks up the love as if they were soggy biscuits soaked in butter.

[dovewithscales]

Now you’ve linked this post again, I have to weigh in and point out another group. 

Came out of curiosity and stayed for the history nerd posts, and started posting recipes to reciprocate.

[ain-person]

Came to find more written references on how to draw Simon, stayed for the enjoyable banter, life advice and lovely people.

The illustration work is a nice bonus, too.

[imgoingtogobacktheresomeday-dea]

What about: Came because I wanted to befriend a real live monster, ended up getting adopted and hired?

[simonalkenmayer]

Feels rather similar.

I seem to collect people

[myusernameisstolen]

Came after reading the book to follow the author, stayed to listen to excellent points and thoughtful rants on a variety of subjects.

[simonalkenmayer]

Is that really how you came here? So few read the books first, it seems. Or of the people who have, they stop at that and don’t usually seek me out

[heyfunniest]

How to grow a man beard.

[girldwarf]

he had to plan this over weeks, he had to spend time taking pics doing this for weeks

[couchnap]

wouldn’t he have just taken these pictures in reverse order?

[scorntrooper-deactivated2024041]

you can’t LIE on the INTERNET

[herelieslill-deactivated2022041]

you go to Liar’s Jail when you lie about something as important as a beard. he looks like a reasonable man

[summersweeet]

via weheartit

[bluejeantalk]

[workoutinpink]

[sonoanthony]

#CLOCKED

[blackhipsteraesthetic]

Rosemarie wasn’t ready

[onlyblackgirl]

Rosemarie got dragged by Target.

[everythingstarstuff]

[southernsatyr]

Dussy…..

[ramen-hamster]

STOP

[frodo-baggins]

Tolkien ladies

[neckkiss]

Because i like you.

[nyc-subway]

[yesterdaysprint]

Courtney Dunkel in the Boston Globe, Massachusetts, November 10, 1950

[hilarioushumorfromouterspace]

[froze]

they’re talking to each other omg (‘:

[wizardshark]

This is my favorite video in all of world history I would die for these cats