Irrelevance Was Bliss, once upon a time

Bright lights may show a face, but shadows reveal the soul. I have lost the blissfulness that was once ensnared in the irrelevance of my words. It’s all too relative lately, and that’s got to change.

[irrelevanceisbliss]

Grounding

I can feel the surface of the floor beneath the calloused bottoms of my feet, the way the air tickles my nostrils as I inhale exhale breathe. I wonder what it's like to stop wondering long enough to lose myself in the feeling of the inhale exhale breathe.

[irrelevanceisbliss]

January 8

It's been a long time since I sat in silence on a couch beside my brother, who I once shared a bathroom a house a high school and a childhood with. It's funny how what was mundane becomes profound after a little time goes by.

[irrelevanceisbliss]

January 7

One night when I was drunk I set my hand on fire -- largely unintentionally -- and instead of blowing it out or even flinching I watched the skin start to boil and burn around my fingernail. All I can figure is that the nail polish remover from earlier that day had clung to me, desperate and delighted to find a spark, and it wasn't until much later that night when my skin screamed and swore and peeled back in disgust that I realized, when drunk, I feel nothing at all.

[irrelevanceisbliss]

I thought I’d die before high school graduation because living was hard and dying looked easy, like sleeping -- which was never really easy but sure sounded like it should be.  When I walked across the stage I wondered why the hell I was still breathing. 

In college, I found a few reasons to keep “believing” (in what, I couldn’t tell you) but my mind still wandered towards the grave any time I thought about the A’s winding their way off of my papers and towards my self-esteem.

Sometimes still I have to press my fingers to my neck  to feel my heart beating, pumping slowly, and even though I never thought  I’d live long enough to build a happy life, I said “yes”  to being someone’s wife and only months later did I realize that I’d been healed now for so much longer than I’d been broken.  We don’t remember the moment we recover, but the first time that we stand still and  notice that we are still here will stay with us forever.

[irrelevanceisbliss]

november 5

Do you ever stop and realize that you are right where you’re meant to be? 

[irrelevanceisbliss]

For my Mighty Megan, I miss you every single day. 

This tattoo is my last birthday present for you on the first birthday that you are gone. I wish we could have celebrated your 24th together, but instead I thought of you silently while watching a tattoo artist carve your legacy into my skin. I cried when I left the shop; I knew you would have loved this if you were still around to see it. 

Mighty, in everything that you were. Mighty, with the hope that I can be too. 

"A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life." I wish that you had used a semicolon instead of a period, but you chose to come to an end. I’m choosing consciously not to, nor to let my memory of you end.

[irrelevanceisbliss]

i don’t write anymore and this is why

Too many scars are accidental, inside and outside and ugly, and  broken skin heals in curves like wrinkles and stretch marks; they  never line up straight.

I have torn myself into happiness and grief, and the two pieces are healing crooked and bent like two politicians swearing up and  down that they are honest. My  body lies to the eyes of passersby  while looking like I’m fine.

If insides faced out, then my pictures would be hung in medical school hallways to illustrate how stitches pull and tear the skin to prove that we  can try to follow lines but we will never heal the way they want us to.

[irrelevanceisbliss]

Chamomile

Steam rolls off freshly poured tea and I breathe for the first time since waking.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way.

Elizabeth Taylor (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[irrelevanceisbliss]

I ran out of ink

I want to write you back into existence. Characters are captured so well in fiction and fiction, while heartbreaking, is easier to stomach. The heartbreak will end in only 37 more pages, conclude nicely and be returned to its shelf beside other brief glimpses of what it is like to be alive. You wrote your own conclusion in haste and hurry and left us without warning or proper preparation. I promise that I would have written you a better ending if you had given me the pen.

[irrelevanceisbliss]

There are always a few times each day that I remember my mom's voice on the phone the night that you died. "Brace yourself honey," my heart plummets down my spine.

[thefirststarr]

[irrelevanceisbliss]

I saw the world I had walked since my birth and I understood how fragile it was, that the reality I knew was a thin layer of icing on a great dark birthday cake writhing with grubs and nightmares and hunger.

The Ocean at the End of the Lane

[irrelevanceisbliss]

Anemia

Wind blows and blood flows and the world keeps turning. If I'm bled dry, will I wilt like rose petals drained of life, or will I crack in two?

[irrelevanceisbliss]

tears have too much salt to freeze

Spring came just in time  to see Winter pour ice  beneath my feet and  watch as it brought  me to my knees. 

I am broken and frozen and one Spring will not be enough to thaw me. 

[irrelevanceisbliss]

I can’t bleed the way I used to. My blood clots in funny ways  and I ran out of places to hide the lies that I carved into skin.

Is it a sin to hinge happiness  of self on happiness of others? I’m not sure if I know how to cultivate either --  and I wish I had known you couldn't either.

[irrelevanceisbliss]

Where is the catharsis? The stay-up-all-night- writing, thinking, being, get-better-quick fix?

Why isn't there some  piece of wisdom  passed down by people too far gone to hold our  hands, telling us how  to wake up in the morning even when we don't remember how to breathe?