bleeding out parts of myself

I wish I was talking to someone instead of something.

[isanyonehomeyet]

Behind my back

you have, once again, spread lies about me I cannot even bother to save face It just makes me giddy hearing you say my name

did you say I lied to you, about everything did you mention how I had loved you even without a word

I wish you knew I knew everything I wish I knew that you could never say anything I know there is not much to do Except be the shitty little bitch who is scared of running away from you

[isanyonehomeyet]

I miss you

there are times when i am utterly and helplessly and obsessively missing you, in the middle of my breaths, all I want to do is to go near you, to trace the smell in the curve of your neck, to hold your feet until my hands burn and most of all I want to hear you say my name, so non-chalantly, so lightly it barely makes a sound, as if you've always said it that way, as if you will never stop saying it, I miss you so much, it makes it harder to differentiate between you and I. I see the world as you would see it and hate myself some more. I wish I had the courage to pick up the phone and realise I no longer exist where you do.

[isanyonehomeyet]

I want to tell you I LOVE YOU but I know you know it already and you are just waiting for me to say it to win. I know you want to win in this weird little game where you tell the world that you were right. But i am a very sore loser. I would rather win too. so Fuck Off.

[isanyonehomeyet]

I can only ever think about your feet/ in a kinky way/ in the most intimate way/ in the way that makes me puke a little we both knew it was innocent/ yet we could only do it alone/ i never thought holding your feet could become my favourite thing about this life do you remember that time your friend almost caught you/ you lying down/ your feet in my lap/ i refused to let go/ it was the day i realised physical touch was my love language/ but only touching your feet as if it was my shrine/ so religiously how you immediately yawned/ you looked guilty as if you were found touching me and not the other way around/ how you instantly remembered your girl was waiting for you in your bed I told you i liked you in japanese that night/ you asked me what it meant/ and i refused to tell you/ I liked sitting there/ pretending to work or watch tv while all the time I was holding your feet like I was holding time/ if I die could you put your feet in my hands and lie for a second there

[isanyonehomeyet]

Things I liked about him

the way he let me love him/ the way he pretended not to understand what I was saying/ his voice when he was annoyed/ his eyes when he tried to look my way in the backseat of his car/ his feet in my lap/ the comfort of his presence/ his refusal to leave my side even when I was at my worst/ not letting me love him/ making me dislike him the most/ the way he made me hate himself/ everything

[isanyonehomeyet]

I cannot take you out of my head

[isanyonehomeyet]

But is she me?

[isanyonehomeyet]

I'll hold your feet in my lap, you'll very nonchalantly get comfortable, I will forever look at the sunsets and you'll act like you don't care, but when I'll try to get up you'll make a face, which would mean, why are you going away and I'll assure you, it's just to the kitchen, and you'll say, don't starve me of your touch.

And then I'll open my eyes. It's another day waking up with you not by my side.

[isanyonehomeyet]

Babe, let's just forget about this whole world and live together

[isanyonehomeyet]

Isn't it funny how it's the middle of the night and I was crying for a good half an hour and now I am back to watching videos on the internet

[isanyonehomeyet]

I still love you, i love you so much it hurts

[isanyonehomeyet]

I listen to his voice on loop

He has blocked my socials

I imagine him day in and out

He doesn't care if I exist

I know he's not special just a human who made me feel

He's sure I'll never be special

[isanyonehomeyet]

Do you think it is possible at all to think a person is longing for you on the other side of the world and imagining a whole new life with you.

Do you think there's someone you meet for a brief period of your life, a period that does not matter at all but this person has now occupied your mind for the rest of your life

Do you think like me, he's dreaming of the day he gets to meet me again and how he just hugs me and says welcome home, I have suffered enough, I'll start breathing now, no, cause me neither

[isanyonehomeyet]

I would be more than fucked if you it was all in my head

[isanyonehomeyet]

I recorded your voice when you weren't looking

You are singing in it, and you sing so beautifully

It has become my lullabies for two yeads now

Every now and then, when the waves of your absence drown me

Your voice brings me back up again

[isanyonehomeyet]

I think under some fluorescent lights

Or a deeply delusional mirror in my bedroom

I find myself pretty

I guess if it came down to choosing when am I the most beautiful, I could say under the faintest light of the moon, i like how my hair forms the most magnificent waves and it looks like I've got them done professionally

But no, in broad daylight, under the traumatising sun, I am not

[isanyonehomeyet]

I have to forgive myself. I have to forgive myself. Do I have to forgive myself. I do have to forgive myself.