RF. Alvarez (American, 1988) - An Audience of Persephone (2024)
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RF. Alvarez (American, 1988) - An Audience of Persephone (2024)
"Well sir, you are still horribly young."
"Horribly?"
"Are you not?"
"I don't believe I have ever heard someone use those words, 'horribly young', outside of deeply tragic circumstances."
"As far as I am concerned, sir, merely being that young is a deeply tragic circumstance. I remember being twenty. It was fucking appalling."
so pro-abortion i forget people try to get pregnant on purpose
u can be boiling alive in your mind for months and then on a random tuesday ur head gets so clear and life is worth living again and you're like damn what was all that about then
hate when I type :) and this 🙂 fucker appears. Go away you evil soul
and i don't necessarily believe any of this i'm just saying words recreationally
just found out you can do more than one thing each day. i was just doing the one
nvm i’ve said too much #unknowme
you know what? fuck it, man. the world is held in the fists of people who like to break things. at this point i’m saying who gives a shit. wear that victorian dress you don’t have an excuse for. dress up like a witch, pointed hat and all. who cares anymore. why worry about it when there’s bigger stuff to worry on. i’m saying. yeah, this lipstick is too dark, wanna share? i’m saying go talk to her, tell her that you like her hair. i’m saying she’s out of my league but i’m still swinging, i’m saying yeah i’m in a ballgown and it’s a pta meeting. what about it. eat the extra brownie, tell her your feelings. i’m saying if nothing matters than we might as well give nothing meaning.
#i’m saying if existence is a void at least i’m going down screaming.
it’s been 9 years since i wrote this. i was experiencing 24/7 anxiety so badly that i needed serious medication. these days in the back of my car is an “emergency party box.” when people admit they no longer really celebrate their birthday; i tell them to put the sash on and queue up kesha, we’re going bowling or something. these days i can’t spin around without finding something i am enamored with. these days i list 3 things i’m grateful for before i fall asleep. you’re probably one of them, just by virtue of you existing.
at the time i wrote this, i was suffering through a severe panic attack literally every night. i tortured my brother with constant 2 AM calls just to hear someone else breathing, because i couldn’t be alone in the silence.
i rarely wish i was still 23 even though ironically i had more hope back then. what i can tell you is this: i love the same way, but bigger now. i’ve worn the velvet cape to several business meetings. i spent thursday in a crop top without caring what my stomach looked like.
i told her i like her; i often dress as a witch. i still got glass in my foot this morning. i’ve kissed maybe a thousand people since then and met a million more than that; passing like the shadow of a hammerhead in trains and planes and buses.
i saw you, beloved, there, maybe, on platform in south station. you didn’t speak, but you said: i struggle to give the nothing meaning. the nothing fills up everything. it is just loud and yellowed panicked silence. i can’t stop shaking.
on the roof, birds curl together against the chilled spring wind. the sky outside of the craft store was an iridescent pink. the nothing already had meaning; you are giving it meaning by witnessing.
the act of living, beloved: it’s just decoding how to translate it.
it’s fine it’s Fine. it’s fine. it’s FINE. IT’s fine it’s fine. it’s fine!! it’s fine it’s finE IT’S FINE it’s fine it’s Fine it’s. fine it’s fine. it’s Fine ! it’s fine It’s fine it’s Fine. it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine. it’s fine. it’s Fine. oh did i happen to mention that it’s fine??
i just need to have more rules for myself. more rules and limits. surely that will help me
and punishments. more punishments. surely that will help
Every single day this month has been like Okay sure. Okay sure what the hell. Okay sure. I guess
james baldwin was so right when he said “the children are always ours, every single one of them, all over the globe; and I am beginning to suspect that whoever is incapable of recognizing this may be incapable of morality.”
I want to be heard (doesn’t speak) I want to be understood (doesn’t explain) I want to be seen (acts like if a missing person was right in front of everybody)
i’m really sorry about my behavior. you see, growing up, my family- *remembers blaming all my problems on other people is really annoying and unhealthy* i mean. i am responsible for all the evils of this world and i bear sins like the sky bears the stars