Misandry - The hatred of men

Female, anti feminist, egalitarian. I'm against sexism of all kinds but there are plenty of blogs whose sole focus is on women but very few even recognise that sexism does not equal Man against Woman. This blog focuses on Misandry: The hatred, discrimination or distrust of men and boys. Pointing out the representation of men in the media, deliberate misinformation/misrepresentation, the demonisation of men in our society and the imbalance this causes. Rather than think of ourselves as in competition we should cater to everyone as needed. If you think I'm being unfair to other women just know that I consider all sides of an argument, normally I prefer to be the fence. But for the purposes of this blog I have taken a side so apologies if this offends you. I answer all asks privately unless otherwise requested or anonymous.

[it-goes-both-ways]

Teen 'sterilised by boyfriend's jealous ex who pumped hot water into her uterus'

Sara Zagidullina, 17, was allegedly attacked by Aleksandra Dulesova and three other young women when they discovered she was seeing the boy

A teenage girl was sterilised in a horrific attack by her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend - who pumped hot water into her uterus.

Sara Zagidullina, 17, was attacked by Aleksandra Dulesova and three other young women when they discovered she was seeing a boy identified only as “Igor”, according to police.

The shocking ordeal began when the perpetrators broke into Sara’s home, reportedly shaving her head, then forcing her to perform oral sex on them before taking turns urinating on her.

After dragging the naked young woman to the bathroom, they allegedly turned the water as hot as possible, inserting the shower hose into her vagina.

Police say the ordeal, which lasted for hours, could have killed Sara, who was left in agony on the bathroom floor, while the attackers ransacked her home, stealing money, a laptop and a mobile phone as well as other valuables.

Using her last bit of strength, the victim managed to raise the alarm, and was rushed to hospital.

There, doctors sadly confirmed that her womb had been badly damaged by the hot water and that she was now sterile.

The incident happened in central Russia’s Perm Krai region in the town of Gubakha after Igor allegedly dumped 17-year-old Aleksandra after she told him she was pregnant.

He is then believed to have started a new relationship with Sara, who knew nothing about his past until she was confronted by the angry ex.

Aleksandra reportedly warned her victim with the ominous phrase: “Leave us alone or I will kill and bury you!”

She then gathered her friends Kristina Poyarkova, 16, Maria Sheputaeva, 16, and Anastasia Voronchikhina, 20, allegedly bursting into the victim’s flat where they subjected her to the terrifying torture ordeal.

Three of the attackers have been arrested and taken into custody, while Aleksandra is under house arrest due to her pregnancy.

The four suspects filmed Sara’s torture on their phones and police have found the video, according to reports.

All have been charged with sexual abuse and torture of a minor committed by a gang and could face up to 15 years in prison if found guilty.

[nunyabizni]

Chain them to a wall and leave them there to rot if they get convicted.

[joosh-actual-deactivated2018092]

Fucking psychopaths, Jesus Christ.

[yourtwoleggedhorsefriend-deacti]

Jesus Christ, lord help her. I’m scared that because the three are women, their sentences won’t be harsh enough. Life in solitary confinement should suffice.

[joosh-actual-deactivated2018092]

It’s Russia, so they could end up in a Gulag.

[joosh-actual-deactivated2018092]

Apparently there are no legitimate sources for this, so it’s probably entirely fictional.

[it-goes-both-ways]

So basically the same as those Indian articles that are constantly misreported. Hopefully.

[it-goes-both-ways]

Teen 'sterilised by boyfriend's jealous ex who pumped hot water into her uterus'

Sara Zagidullina, 17, was allegedly attacked by Aleksandra Dulesova and three other young women when they discovered she was seeing the boy

A teenage girl was sterilised in a horrific attack by her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend - who pumped hot water into her uterus.

Sara Zagidullina, 17, was attacked by Aleksandra Dulesova and three other young women when they discovered she was seeing a boy identified only as “Igor”, according to police.

The shocking ordeal began when the perpetrators broke into Sara’s home, reportedly shaving her head, then forcing her to perform oral sex on them before taking turns urinating on her.

After dragging the naked young woman to the bathroom, they allegedly turned the water as hot as possible, inserting the shower hose into her vagina.

Police say the ordeal, which lasted for hours, could have killed Sara, who was left in agony on the bathroom floor, while the attackers ransacked her home, stealing money, a laptop and a mobile phone as well as other valuables.

Using her last bit of strength, the victim managed to raise the alarm, and was rushed to hospital.

There, doctors sadly confirmed that her womb had been badly damaged by the hot water and that she was now sterile.

The incident happened in central Russia’s Perm Krai region in the town of Gubakha after Igor allegedly dumped 17-year-old Aleksandra after she told him she was pregnant.

He is then believed to have started a new relationship with Sara, who knew nothing about his past until she was confronted by the angry ex.

Aleksandra reportedly warned her victim with the ominous phrase: “Leave us alone or I will kill and bury you!”

She then gathered her friends Kristina Poyarkova, 16, Maria Sheputaeva, 16, and Anastasia Voronchikhina, 20, allegedly bursting into the victim’s flat where they subjected her to the terrifying torture ordeal.

Three of the attackers have been arrested and taken into custody, while Aleksandra is under house arrest due to her pregnancy.

The four suspects filmed Sara’s torture on their phones and police have found the video, according to reports.

All have been charged with sexual abuse and torture of a minor committed by a gang and could face up to 15 years in prison if found guilty.

[nunyabizni]

Chain them to a wall and leave them there to rot if they get convicted.

[joosh-actual-deactivated2018092]

Fucking psychopaths, Jesus Christ.

[yourtwoleggedhorsefriend-deacti]

Jesus Christ, lord help her. I’m scared that because the three are women, their sentences won’t be harsh enough. Life in solitary confinement should suffice.

[joosh-actual-deactivated2018092]

It’s Russia, so they could end up in a Gulag.

[yourtwoleggedhorsefriend-deacti]

The only sources I’m finding for this is The Irish Sun and the Mirror. Both tabloids. Unless there’s other sources I’m not seeing, this is complete bullshit.

[it-goes-both-ways]

https://www.fakt.pl/wydarzenia/swiat/rosja-sara-byla-torturowana-omal-nie-zabila-jej-zazdrosna-nastolatka/3rjfjs9

https://www.closermag.fr/vecu/faits-divers/une-adolescente-devient-sterile-apres-avoir-ete-violee-par-l-ex-tres-jalouse-de-843822

https://www.ayoyemonde.com/nouvelles/une-adolescente-de-17-ans-devient-sterile-car-l-ex-copine-de-son-amoureux-lui-ebouillante-l-uterus

http://expressdigest.com/russian-girl-sterilised-after-boyfriends-jealous-ex-attacked-her/

https://www.cuatro.com/noticias/sociedad/tortura-rusia-agua-hirviendo-esteril-Aleksandra-Dulesova_0_2592450179.html

I did check beforehand, one thing about having people be disproportionately sceptical is that it keeps us careful. Many of the articles of rape and torture in India are misreported by western media. Even the supposedly red-pilled used them to say that feminism is needed over there but not here, when a simple translation of the original article would have told a very different story.

[it-goes-both-ways]

Teen 'sterilised by boyfriend's jealous ex who pumped hot water into her uterus'

Sara Zagidullina, 17, was allegedly attacked by Aleksandra Dulesova and three other young women when they discovered she was seeing the boy

A teenage girl was sterilised in a horrific attack by her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend - who pumped hot water into her uterus.

Sara Zagidullina, 17, was attacked by Aleksandra Dulesova and three other young women when they discovered she was seeing a boy identified only as “Igor”, according to police.

The shocking ordeal began when the perpetrators broke into Sara's home, reportedly shaving her head, then forcing her to perform oral sex on them before taking turns urinating on her.

After dragging the naked young woman to the bathroom, they allegedly turned the water as hot as possible, inserting the shower hose into her vagina.

Police say the ordeal, which lasted for hours, could have killed Sara, who was left in agony on the bathroom floor, while the attackers ransacked her home, stealing money, a laptop and a mobile phone as well as other valuables.

Using her last bit of strength, the victim managed to raise the alarm, and was rushed to hospital.

There, doctors sadly confirmed that her womb had been badly damaged by the hot water and that she was now sterile.

The incident happened in central Russia's Perm Krai region in the town of Gubakha after Igor allegedly dumped 17-year-old Aleksandra after she told him she was pregnant.

He is then believed to have started a new relationship with Sara, who knew nothing about his past until she was confronted by the angry ex.

Aleksandra reportedly warned her victim with the ominous phrase: "Leave us alone or I will kill and bury you!"

She then gathered her friends Kristina Poyarkova, 16, Maria Sheputaeva, 16, and Anastasia Voronchikhina, 20, allegedly bursting into the victim’s flat where they subjected her to the terrifying torture ordeal.

Three of the attackers have been arrested and taken into custody, while Aleksandra is under house arrest due to her pregnancy.

The four suspects filmed Sara's torture on their phones and police have found the video, according to reports.

All have been charged with sexual abuse and torture of a minor committed by a gang and could face up to 15 years in prison if found guilty.

[docsplayroom69]

[bransrath]

May I break that man’s nose?

Pretty please?

[noblepeasant]

“It’s okay to make jokes about children being raped when its someone we dont like!”

[deathclaw-musings]

Hollywood would certainly know all about raping children.

[derpomatic]

^This. Peter knows some guys.

[werewolf-cuddles]

WHAT KIND OF PERSON THINKS THIS IS AN ACCEPTABLE THING TO SAY!?

[cobramonsterboy777]

Like, what is with far-leftists and their sick obsession and/or desire to exploit and abuse children, especially boys? 

[it-goes-both-ways]

Just as they will correct perceived oppression with legitimate oppression, they’ll respond to their own interpretation of degeneracy with genuine degeneracy. Projection as usual.

[sexgenderbody]

hollywood has #yellowface fever

[amarretto-cowboy]

Ben Kingsley isn’t white.

[ascrod]

Ah yes, Ben Kingsley, born Krishna Pandit Bhanji, a famous white actor.

[amarretto-cowboy]

They don’t actually care about ethnicity. They care solely on skin color. They don’t think Ben is dark enough. It’s really that simple

[werewolf-cuddles]

Imagine calling a british-indian actor “white”.

[givemeyourtired]

It’s like saying Freddie Mercury was white >.> apparently British-Indians are Schrodinger’s PoC.

[it-goes-both-ways]

There is, or at least was, a very interesting unawareness in the UK over race, especially with integrated people (not so much the self segregating types). It’s difficult to explain but a great example was on one of Sargon’s livestreams a few years ago. They were talking about Red Dwarf and the American was saying something about half the cast being black and Sargon paused as he realised he’d never actually even noticed.

I miss the days when we didn’t even notice.

[daydreaming-of-puppiess]

My political compass hasn’t changed much over the years. 😂😂

[anti-stuff-pro-stuff]

damn you’re more centrist than me :(

[daydreaming-of-puppiess]

Lmao. Sorry. I am ridiculously centrist though. That’s why when people on here “accuse” me of either being a “leftist” or a “right winger” I kind of have to laugh. 

[snowie-skyes]

Link?

[daydreaming-of-puppiess]

How have you never heard of this site?! Here you go.

[snowie-skyes]

I am unsurprisingly more to the right but I think I’m still fairly close to center. In just Slightly Right of Centre 😎

[daydreaming-of-puppiess]

A fellow Libertarian, huzzah!

[grumpyridesthekaliyuga-deactiva]

Apparently my dislike of international corporations and love of religion makes me authoritarian left?

[im-your-nationalist-anthem]

Probably also the not wanting to destroy the planet thing

[grumpyridesthekaliyuga-deactiva]

I do love me some symbiotic ecosystem development

[reaper-0-1]

I’m right where I though I’d be, center of authoritarian right

[all-aboard-the-bane-train]

You’re in good company lad

[texasgmg-deactivated20181209]

Hahaha

[james3-13-deactivated20201123]

[captainmal-deactivated20230125]

Right leaning libertarian.

[dude-dude-dude-dude-dude-2]

I am a lot more libertarian than this test shows. Thw questions were manipulatory, angling towards desired outcomes….i hate being corralled.

[waddayalookinat]

I’m calling bullshit on some of this, but y'all talking about being centrist need to step up your game

[hattersadventures-deactivated20]

[it-goes-both-ways]

I’ve moved half a square to the right over the past few years.

[charlesoberonn]

Norwegian prisons are nicer than my apartment.

[postmaritalsex-deactivated20210]

holy shit dude

[firebirdscratches]

I was really shocked by this and dubious, so I decided to read further. There’s a great article about this here: http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-35813470 As it turns out, this is more like a halfway house. Prisoners usually begin their term in a prison more like one we’d typically recognize - bars on the windows, locked in their cells. But the emphasis there is on successful reintegration into society.  As their sentence progresses, with good behavior, they can move into a facility more like this, where their freedoms are still restricted, but they can do things like network with people outside of prison, search for employment, cook and clean and look after themselves, and begin making plans for their reintegration into society.  As a result, Norway has one of the lowest rates of recidisvism. 20% as opposed to America’s 76%.  It seems like a shocking idea to us because of where and how we live, but apparently, Norwegians are addressing the real problem. When you take people who can’t function well in society, and then…help them do that?…they….do. Without the crime-ing. 

[daxlo-ren]

Turns out treating people like human beings makes them more likely to act like human beings….

[liquidsodanium]

But won’t that incentivize some people to go back there since they get treated so well and get a nice room versus the streets?

[kompanie-mutter-deactivated2021]

If you read the post above, it says Norway’s recidivism rate - that is, the rate of released criminals who go on to be arrested again - is 20% versus 76% in the United States, so for the most part, no.

[theyoungestwhateleydaughter-dea]

Isn’t that white-lined black cross on a red field flag a Nazi flag? Are we going to talk about how wonderful it is a Nazi gets a nice halfway house?

[charlesoberonn]

[bizarrolord-deactivated20241123]

It’s not Tumblr until someone gets mistaken for a Nazi.

[mapsontheweb]

Map of Greek and Armenian populated areas before 1900 vs 2000.

[armedandgayngerous]

hmm I wonder what happened to all those Armenians

[thecybersmith]

We may never know…

[jewishmagpie-deactivated2018092]

[Archived link]

Buzzfeed are salty that in the UK, women that go to the police and are found to give false rape claims to maliciously harm others are prosecuted for it, unlike the US, Canada and Australia, for example, where false-rape-claimants are just left and ignored.

The UK has issues, but in this case:

[gracebeereblogs]

Ok, this is a bullshit interpretation of the article. 

First of all, they’re talking about how the penalty for doing this is WAY higher than the penalty for actually raping someone, which seems imbalanced to me, and how the media sensationalizes these cases in a way that makes real victims afraid to come forward and seek justice. 

Second of all, they are angry about the fact that a lot of actual rape victims do seem unreliable and could be convicted under this law. Trauma alone can screw with your memory and make your story inconsistent, and women who already have backgrounds of mental illnesses are more likely to be victimized, because they are less likely to be believed. 

Is actually making a false accusation a horrible thing? Yeah, sure. But it is better for a guilty person to get away than it is for an innocent person to be imprisoned, and this law is far from balanced in that way. It’s more likely to destroy innocent victims than punish actual people committing fraud. 

So yeah, they’re right to be angry, mocking this is bullshit, and I’m unfollowing anyone who shares news on this with that kind of attitude. Bye. 

[jewishmagpie-deactivated2018092]

I hope a bunch of people unfollow you for offering a free pass to people that deliberately and maliciously lie about rape and domestic abuse. 

There’s a massive difference between an accusation that ends up in an acquittal and the cases discussed, where the women were shown to have deliberately lied on purpose because… reasons.

Are you honestly going to demand that rapists and actual abusers should be left off because “Oh, I’m an alcoholic,” “Oh, I’m a drug addict,” “Oh, I was abused as a child,” “Oh, I have mental health issues”? No. Of course you wouldn’t. Those things help to understand what they did, but that doesn’t excuse them. They still need to face justice.

Everybody decent wants to protect genuine victims of rape and abuse.

But prosecuting someone who lied and is proven to have lied, who admits that they lied, is not harming real victims.

The person who decided to lie for whatever messed up reason is harming actual victims.

And you don’t get to be a victim-blaming asshole to the innocents that are detained by police or dragged through court or even beaten or murdered over false accusations by deliberately malicious abusers.

Especially since you seem not to understand that the maximum penalty for rape is life imprisonment in the UK, and the reasons for four years in prison for false allegations of rape have been described by the Solicitor General as:

“False rape allegations have a serious impact not only on the lives of the accused, but can also have an indirect but profoundly damaging effect on genuine victims of rape.”

Plus, the case would have to be extremely exceptional for someone that retracted a claim to be prosecuted.

So, I’ll tell you again:

Bye.

[it-goes-both-ways]

How To Write a VICE Article - Adrian Alaberg

[it-goes-both-ways]

You're the most stereotypically British person ever, I love it.

Why thank you.

[it-goes-both-ways]

You didn’t stop a robbery. You didn’t get abused. Quit lying on the internet because you want attention. But A+ on your little fairy tales, you’re a decent fiction writer!

I said I tried. And failed. Couldn’t even do that right. Maybe I could get a hold of the report for you. It’d have my name on it. Though you’d probably claim that it’s not my name or something.

As for everything else, can’t write fiction to save my life, too clinical and I’m shit at embellishing so it’s always quite dull and not very exciting. My sister went through similar things, and some of the same things, she sometimes talks about them as well. I have spoken to many friends and some of mother’s exes, it wasn’t just us. Maybe people didn’t believe it because she was so open about it that they thought she was joking, hiding in plain sight. I plan to record her one day, maybe put it online, might be rather vindictive but at least people would understand.

It’s not wise to lie on the internet, too easy for people to find out. If you went looking, you’d find the truth.

It’s not attention that I want, it’s understanding. Not to be alone, you always hear about abusive fathers but hardly ever about the mothers. Always hearing about the evil of men and the purity of women, while living with a fine example of the opposite.

[dungeonman84]

Hun don’t. The beta males and feminists are just angry you’re not conforming to the strong attention-seeking weak independent wyminz they fantasize about being/ruling as (beta male/feminists in that order). They’ll never be happy, that’s ehy they try and shit on others.

[it-goes-both-ways]

I’m still going to try get a copy of the statement, though. I’d like to know what the police guy who stayed with me said, bet he thought I was a right nutter.

[it-goes-both-ways]

Damn you didn’t need to take “mother fucker” so seriously 😂 zing!lmaooo

Fortunately it never got that far, she was an exhibitionist and a narcissist, the only reason she even went as far as she did was because I looked just like her. A common story among people with similar problems. Which is also why people thought me just as bad as her, now I look more like my dad which has helped with that, sickeningly enough.

[it-goes-both-ways]

I read your story of what happened to you, and damn it brought tears to my eyes. I haven’t laughed that hard in a minute! You deserve all of the abuse you got, and I find it fucking hilarious 😂😂

Probably. Maybe not in quite that way but towards the end I definitely earned some of it, once I was big enough to fight back.

[it-goes-both-ways]

You didn’t stop a robbery. You didn’t get abused. Quit lying on the internet because you want attention. But A+ on your little fairy tales, you’re a decent fiction writer!

I said I tried. And failed. Couldn’t even do that right. Maybe I could get a hold of the report for you. It’d have my name on it. Though you’d probably claim that it’s not my name or something.

As for everything else, can’t write fiction to save my life, too clinical and I’m shit at embellishing so it’s always quite dull and not very exciting. My sister went through similar things, and some of the same things, she sometimes talks about them as well. I have spoken to many friends and some of mother’s exes, it wasn’t just us. Maybe people didn’t believe it because she was so open about it that they thought she was joking, hiding in plain sight. I plan to record her one day, maybe put it online, might be rather vindictive but at least people would understand.

It’s not wise to lie on the internet, too easy for people to find out. If you went looking, you’d find the truth.

It’s not attention that I want, it’s understanding. Not to be alone, you always hear about abusive fathers but hardly ever about the mothers. Always hearing about the evil of men and the purity of women, while living with a fine example of the opposite.

[it-goes-both-ways]

Gang of four women repeatedly kicks and punches man

Shocking footage shows a gang of four women digging their stilettos into a man as he writhes in agony on the floor at Leicester Square tube station. They were all arrested at the scene.

[matt-ruins-your-shit]

“All four released under investigation.” 

“Fight! Fight! Fight!” - people watching four people stomp on an unconscious man

[american-bepis]

That’s why you away from British women, they’re too beast-like

[it-goes-both-ways]

Honestly I’d recommend avoiding women in general. Just not worth the risk. It doesn’t matter if she’s a unicorn, students in universities are reporting men for rape for having consensual sex with their own partners. Women you don’t even know can report you for rape on another woman’s behalf.

http://reason.com/blog/2016/04/19/female-student-said-im-fine-and-i-wasnt

https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/she-said-she-wasnt-raped-but-the-school-expelled-him-anyway/article/2589065

https://denver.cbslocal.com/2016/04/19/csu-pueblo-grant-neal-suspension-consensual-sex/

[762nukem]

“I’d recommend avoiding women in general“

Being cautious is one thing, but I don’t think that’s necessarily a healthy mindset.

[it-goes-both-ways]

No, but it’s not a healthy system. One of my fellows of MRC has been in a legal battle for the past few years for walking past a woman on a train. In the split second that it took to move past her she claims that he somehow managed to stick his fingers up her, circumventing trousers and underwear at the speed of sound. CCTV footage shows he couldn’t possibly have had time but he’s still being screwed over.

It also doesn’t help that I’m surrounded by women who have falsely accused, gotten away with serious crimes while their partners/brothers/sons ended up in prison for less, physically and verbally abuse their partners day after day, stop their partners from seeing their friends and family, abandoned their children, set massive gangs on their partners to beat them half to death, keep children they don’t even want just to spite the father who does, abuse the children and put them in dangerous situations to make the father feel more helpless, and on and on it goes. Then they have the bloody nerve to claim it’s so much more difficult to be women.

Then there’s the bag of worms that is mother, and what she got away with, and still does to this day. Even aside from how she treated her partners, and how she treated me and my sister; she got a slap on the wrist for drunk driving and crashing into a petrol station and even tried to blame her friend who wasn’t even there, immediately ruining a 30 year friendship to try and avoid taking responsibility for her own poor choices.

She raped a friend of mine just because I was attracted to him (she’d also try it on with my sister’s gay friends, claiming she could “convert” them). While he was homeless, supposedly offering him a place to stay, having lost his home and the majority of his income to his ex wife who won’t even let him see his children. She mounted him in his sleep, he’s the only one who ever fought back, being an ex soldier having been useful to put the risk of accusation aside in order to defend himself. She even once told me that the only way she could get any was when the men were asleep.

She was pretty damned open about it as well, her friends would say it was a great idea. It certainly gave me a great sense of empathy for men, they’d try and teach me to manipulate but even when I was a kid I hated that about the girls at school, loyalty and justice were the most important things to me which is why I never understood the carousel of friendships that seems to be pretty common among girls. Mother would get us violent babysitters who’d make me sleep on the floor and starve me just for asking for water (and once accidentally setting fire to the toaster, I was good at that somehow). She’d always try and get her partners to “discipline” us (which they never did), she’d ask them to kiss us, or kiss her for a little too long, she even wanted one partner to “demonstrate” how sex works, thinking someone into BDSM automatically must be open to everything. She only had us to get a house, and despite the abuse dad suffered (as well as how we were conceived in the first place) he still fought for custody. Despite witnesses, bruises, scratches from her “activities” once he’d drunk himself to sleep, she still bloody won, much to our dismay. Shortly after she left us in a burning car when I was about 6, while she just stood and watched, telling us to stay put; if anyone was kind to me, I’d pack a sleeping bag and a pillow, sit on their doorstep and ask if I could live with them, maybe help out to earn my keep. Horrendously embarrassing thinking back on it. As soon as I was 16, and no longer eligible for child benefit (which never went to us anyway), she just left one day and never came back. She couldn’t even be arsed taking 5 bloody minutes transferring the tennancy, leaving us homeless.

I’m aware of my biases, #NotAll and all that, but the more of this shit I see, the harder it is not to just give up. Nothing’s ever going to change, it’s biologically hardwired, what’s the point in even trying any more? It’s the friends I’ve met since coming across the MRM (despite the many female backstabbers and abusers who take advantage of vulnerable men, which you get with any group which deals with such issues I suppose) and forming groups after ICMI16 that has kept me going (as well as the confirmation that TES IV is actually coming at some point). But it really is getting more and more difficult every day, especially since dad died a slow and painful death while mother is living a free, happy life in Amsterdam. My auntie “looked after” dad while on his deathbed, feeding him nothing but “natural remedies” and that MMS shit which is literally bleach which was gradually eating through his organs until he eventually starved to death.

My sister is all out anti-woman due to the shit she’s suffered over the years, I can feel myself getting there. I don’t like it but there it is, if I weren’t female myself I’d have not a shred of hope at all.

[762nukem]

That is, uh, some extremely heavy stuff I must say.

Have you thought about writing a book?

[it-goes-both-ways]

My other auntie suggested that. As well as my partner, many friends, some doctors and social workers. Maybe I should. It would be patchy as hell, though. I have a ridiculously all or nothing memory. They don’t change over time, they just fade, meaning that rather than having rose tinted glasses or an altered perspective of the past, I’m just missing massive chunks of time instead. The  neurologist who diagnosed me attributed it to my childhood, unsurprisingly.Given the symptoms it’s possible that I’m not a true aspie, just damaged.

Tangents and non sequitors would also be a problem. My sister could fill in the blanks (though her memory can be inaccurate, she went to the other extreme in every way possible), maybe edit it to make it flow more smoothly. I’m great with spelling and grammar when writing formally, but everything else is a mess.

[762nukem]

Maybe you could co-author it? Writing can be a good way to help process and deal with really tough experiences like these.

[it-goes-both-ways]

Maybe it could help both of us. Like that woman who wrote about all the abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother, in her eulogy.

[egalitarian-gamer]

I’ll delete this if asked since it has some heavy/personal shit but hot damn. Maybe you wouldn’t have to write a whole book, or at least not with the intent of getting it published. I mean like just writing it down seems like it would at least serve as an outlet. And I gotta throw this out there even though I’m not sure how open to it you would be, but if you ever need to talk then my inbox is always open because damn. That’s horrible to have gone through, especially as a kid. Like I’ve been through some shit, but nothing like that. I kinda wanna ask how you manage to function after all that. Like I’ve been through significantly less and I’m a fucking wreck, man.

[it-goes-both-ways]

I don’t, really. I forget to eat (doctor said it’s due to conditioning, being so used to not being fed as punishment), get aphasia every now and then, face blind (I can’t even remember what my dad looked like, only his voice), sometimes forget where I am and how I got there (or even who I am, brief but still terrifying), malabsorption, breathing problems due to a deviated septum, was diagnosed with osteoarthritis at twenty bloody six, scuppering my military career (they said they could still accept me but I know a man wouldn’t be able to, it would make me a liability thus completely defeating the object). Constantly forget to take my medication; naproxen that is, not anti-depressants, I refuse to take anything that messes with my head, when I had to have an IUD fitted due to endometriosis I requested one without anti-androgens, I don’t fancy being a hormonal mess on top of everything else.

Fortunately a social worker managed to get me on a programme for people with similar problems, a memory tablet thing, a purpose built pad for reminders to feed the cat, eat, do physio, go to appointments, pay bills, take meds, pick up prescription etc. I know it looks like I’m throwing a pity party but it is what it is, this shit was my normal. Maybe the reason I didn’t end up like my sister (on anti-psychotics and unable to work due to violent meltdowns) was due to the asperger’s (though I was also diagnosed with FND and it has similar symptoms). I’m terrified of having kids in case I end up forgetting about them, which I absolutely would, and people would hate me for it, best to avoid the situation altogether. Luckily I can’t stand children anyway, baby screams are the closest thing to a legitimate trigger that I have, possibly due to being a very quiet baby, learning very early on that no one cares, and being virtually nonverbal as a child, so it was alien to me perhaps,.

It’s getting more and more difficult to continue. I’m quite obstinate though, I don’t want to give up, however futile it is. Can’t be arsed being angry any more, just defeated. Weird though it may seem I don’t actually like talking about myself, because as mother would often hammer into me: You’re a selfish, self centred, greedy little brat. After a few years of that it became impossible not to believe it. I was also a “mistake”. It’s easier to talk about on here because it’s a public forum, when it comes to individuals in person, I can’t really talk about what it feels like, couldn’t even tell the therapist. I’ve always kept it to myself, even the shock of seeing non-bio dad in a coma (before they turned off the machines), I did my best to suppress any outward reaction, my sister tried to comfort me but I pushed her away and told her to get off me. Hating being weak in any way, humiliated if I fail to bury it. What a dick.

Every time I think I’ve gone too far in offloading my thoughts, you lot always surprise me. Danke schön.

[egalitarian-gamer]

Honestly, I’m surprised you aren’t worse off. I mean that’s still hell to deal with, but I would have slit my wrists at 17 if I had growm up the way you did. You’re fucking strong, man. Honestly I’m kinda hit with a ton of admiration for you. I wouldn’t be able to handle any of that, and here you are still going even if it’s just out of stubbornness. You’re the most beast badass I’ve ever seen.

Have you thought about linking your therapist to your blog or writing in a journal to let them read? I have a lot of issues conveying things, especially emotional things, in person. But, every so often I’ll write something just to vent and I always bring it with me to let my therapist read the next time I show up. Do you think that might help?

Also did you mention you have a cat? And can I see pics? I love kitties (^_^)

[it-goes-both-ways]

I’m also shit at taking compliments, much to people’s annoyance. Again probably due to mother’s mantra, despite being the most big-headed narcissistic twat on the bloody planet. She’d even go to the loo with the door wide open (including public loos, to our constant shame) when we walked up the stairs and she’d stand up to wipe *shudder* we’d get an eyeful. She liked having us scrub her back while showing everything off, and walking around the house naked, standing over me when I was lying on the floor with just a skirt and no underwear, offering us the use of her vibrator (which, just no, I’d never use one anyway but ew). Honestly, maybe I’m still more or less functional because it was just so damned absurd.

I had mentioned this blog to the therapist, but I forgot my appointment too many times and so was taken off the list. I was referred due to memory problems and discharged due to memory problems, helpful. I have a Self Authoring account that I have yet to complete.

Just reminded me, while they were trying to figure out the problem, I had a brain scan and the letter I got was amazing:

Glad I don’t have worrying disease, though I think my partner does.

I’ve posted pictures of my cat, and previous cats, as well as my dad’s ones here.

[egalitarian-gamer]

It’s good that you don’t have a worrying disease, though. And don’t worry, I don’t ever know how to take a comiment either. Just know that it won’t stop me from giving them lol. Your mom sounds….wow. I suddenly feel a lot less hostility towards my owm parents. Like they made a ton of mistakes and my dad was abusive, but nothing like that. It’s actually amazing that you’re even remotely close to being functional, even moreso when you take into account that you’re doing pretty damn well, all things considered. As for the therapy thing, would you be able to use that tablet thing to set a reminder for appointments? Once you find another therapist, I mean. I always have to set an alarm on my phone to go off once a week with the date of the appointment and the therapist’s name to remind me about it

[it-goes-both-ways]

When I was around 7 or 8 mother was talking to my auntie about how horrible we were. She said that when we claimed we hated her she knows we didn’t mean it. We bloody did. She still talks shit about us on bookface, getting sympathy from her twatty friends and bad mouthing us (which doesn’t help my sister any). She’s the only person I’ve ever blocked on any website).

There was a quite amusing moment a few years ago, an old neighbour and I trying to do fireman’s carry on each other (I carried another neighbour and ran up and down the road XD), as usual I came across as a bit of a nut, he said I was a right freak. Then my partner and I were talking about mother and he said “How are you still sane?”.

I can set any reminder I like, I’ve given the details to a few people who can then set alarms for me remotely (you can only set reminders via their website). Disappointed with the lack of trolling, though.

[it-goes-both-ways]

I’ve mentioned before how I tried to stop a robbery once, because I’m a dumbass with no sense of self preservation, one of the reasons I enlisted was to control that. I’d lost so much weight that I was like a bloody ragdoll. They just threw me into a cardboard display thing effortlessly. 

Found the article about it.

“Must have been scary”. I leapt on the guy’s back, without even thinking. Why did they have to portray me as a victim? I was lucky not to be charged with assault, I’m sure I would have been had it happened this year. Bah. Ged was not at all happy about it, he had to come to the hospital to give me spare clothes because the police took the ones I was wearing for evidence (and the storage place burned down before I got the chance to reclaim them, I miss that coat. Wonder if there’s any CCTV footage of it, I imagine it’d be quite amusing to watch.

Despite being utterly useless in the end I’m still quite pleased that I have that instinct. So I can honestly say that I would intervene in a violent situation.