very long self indulgent journaling below cut. Topics; 2 years of being refugee, mourning for people I've lost, 2024 resolutions, and other stuff.
Ive had exactly four experiences with friends whom I have opened up to about being a refugee in which I've walked out of it feeling worse about myself than before opening up. Im not sure what sort of response or words I was hoping to hear, but I always felt like specifically those four didn't grasp at all what I was talking about. Bad advice would follow. Or in the case of one out of those four experiences, one (currently former) friend assumed I was opening up to him solely because I was about to scold him for something, what followed was him expressing that he's had it way worse than me in life. Like.. Huh??.....
I'm not eloquent or knowledgeable enough to even express anything on a political spectrum, but merely sharing my experiences about the troubles Ive had on a mental health level makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I go about my day pretending I'm quite a normal person. Ref-you-jee? Couldn't possibly be me. I've joined an anon peer group because I was quite tired of living with a mask on. Over here, I do want to write and share my own thoughts for once without the imaginary baggage of "is this a good idea, will people still like me afterwards?"
I've had a lot of trouble coming to terms with the culture and background I fled from. And my family is inexplicably intertwined with that background. I could say I miss drinking tea lightly brewed in warm milk (no water!), with sugar to taste. I could say I miss drinking it on a late cold evening. But I actually miss the whole package. I miss my aunt who made it specifically for me and her daughter, in her messy kitchen with the loud fridge. I miss how cold evenings felt during the month of January in the suburbs of my hometown. I miss my younger sister when she would call my aunt's barely-functioning landline phone, being mad about how no one told her that we were hanging out together that night. I could go on, listing how I miss random mundane things about my family members.
Now I have no family. I won't go into the specifics of how, and why. But I've lost most if not all members of my family, including access to my old home and country. There is a horrible sinking feeling when I think about how I have nothing physical or digital from my past. I won't even get started on how harrowing the thought of having little to no safety nets is. I have my memories and nothing else. The brain can be kind to u sometimes, when it decides to conveniently remove all the shit things from your memories. I don't think I even liked how the milk tea tasted back then, and my aunt had severe anger problems, and often in a blink of an eye would resort to physical violence. Still I miss small things. I wish I cherished it more back then. Wish I could have expressed to my sister more how much she meant to me.
Frie//ren is a great series holy shit. I crossed the name midway so it won't show up any searches. Obviously I'm not an ancient sorcerer elf who saved the world at some point, but boy I felt it when she cried during her companion's funeral. I also wish I got to know others better before it was too late. I'm a pretty antisocial person in the sense that I find it so alien that anyone can make close friendships. I go about making acquaintances, and I think it's too much effort on my part to care any further. I have a friend who considers me really close, and she's always expressed how I seemed so untrustworthy at first cause I never hung around for more than a week with any social clique in college. Oof... It's not like I didn't like anyone I hung out with. I think I didn't give it much thought at the time.
I have a few friends from before shit hit the fan. One technically being a childhood friend, albeit an online one from the other side of the globe. I don't think my mental state allows for me to develop bonds with new people at the moment. New country, new social rules, too much baggage to process. I, however, would like to get to know these older friends a bit better. That's one of my 2024 resolution. It'll be depressing as hell if my feelings aren't reciprocated, but in that case I really, REALLY, want to learn how to not get (for lack of a better word) butt-hurt about it. Frankly I don't know which will be the harder challenge. My other 2024 resolution is to cook more things from my culture.... I can't.. I can't cook that well btw..
For now I will make my own shitty milk tea, and drink it during way waaaay colder winter evenings. Way colder temperatures than my hometown ever experienced. Maybe I'll be drinking it alone, maybe with new people. I made it this far, too late to stop now.
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