It’s because I’m unlovable. Yesterday I reached out when there was a song on the radio that I liked to dance and hug or kiss or whatever. Instead of being able to pull close and to hug, there was punching in my tummy instead a few times and when I tried to take a hold of that wrist it was just met with more punching. It felt so deeply sad and lonely so quickly. I think there might have been an attempt at redemption but I suppose the point had already been made. And so I just sat down saying it’s ok. It’s fine. I get you don’t feel the need or desire to show me affection. No matter how much I plead.
Grandma Alyce loved me. I knew she did. Somehow all of us grandkids just knew we were her favorite. I loved her tremendously. I hope that in my lifetime I can make someone else feel so deeply loved as she made me feel. I don’t know if I’ll ever succeed this one. So far I feel fairly certain I have I my been met with my own failure. It is my hope that my mom knows how deeply I love her but my actions haven’t always reflected that. I’ve made some pretty hefty choices that created a great deal of damage to our relationship, maybe even some things that are unforgivable.
















