Nothing but the soft hum from the tv, interrupted by a distant cry a handful of times, had surrounded the pair for most of the night. Though Alaska had not noticed the silence in the air, utterly oblivious to how not even a mere word had been uttered between them in hours. But this state of detachment to her surroundings was nothing new to Alaska, she had been struggling for awhile now with her concentration. It was almost as if she was lost, constantly lingering in a land that lay half way between reality and the depths of her quickly darkening thoughts. As though the young woman was suffering from a lack of connection to the real world. But the sound of Hunterâs voice so close to her began to slowly bring her further from her mind that was always so loud, always twisting and turning and never leaving her be, and back into the almost soundless room.Â
Eventually, Alaskaâs eyes flicked in her husbands direction, but it was almost as though she was looking through him - or as if, for only a moment, she did not recognize him. Then after a minute or so brown orbs were focusing, becoming familiar with the face in front of her, and she was whispering âI donât feel like myself.â Though, that wasnât completely true, she did feel like herself, just not the self she had been for the past few years. Not the self that was content, the one she had grown to like. Rather, she felt like her ten year old self, crying and screaming and begging for her sister. For her father. Or the sixteen year old, who would climb through a boys window each night, drunk and disgusted, trying so desperately to wrap herself up in him until she could no longer feel all of their hands, all of her loneliness. Or the nineteen year old, watching her newborn baby fight for her life. Or the twenty year old, attending her best friends funeral. Destroying each relationship she had clung so tightly to. Losing the man she loved, over and over. Being told she was dying. And all of things, all of those versions of herself, had one thing in common; darkness. It had sat on her shoulder, held her hand, smothered her. A darkness that had followed her round since she could remember, one she had become so sure she had shook off, had becoming crawling back. Seeping through the cracks in the ceiling and beneath the doors, covering her, drowning her. Now, however, she was left without the only mechanisms she had ever used to deal with - the partying, the alcohol, the sex. Alaska was defenseless, almost helpless, to this sadness she felt. And it was pulling her out of bed each night, nauseating her, leaving her irritable, exhausted, terrified.
âI just.. I feel so⊠so empty,â the words felt wrong to even think, like acid in her mouth and as they dripped out she was terrified they would burn through Hunter too, âI canât explain it.â She didnât want to explain it. The bits and pieces she had explained to her midwife had resulted in the word âpost-natal depressionâ floating about, to which she had zoned out, refusing to even entertain the idea. How could she possibly be depressed? Against all odds, she had married the man she had spent so long fighting for. They had made it. And with their marriage, came their miracle, their little Jacob. And Laceyâs laughter still made Alaskaâs heart flutter as much as it had done the first time she heard it. She had everything she ever wanted, she should not be unhappy. âItâs just always so dark. I shouldnât feel like this. I donât want to feel like this.â Nervous fingers fiddled with the wedding ring upon her finger, worried to say any more. âWhy donât I feel like I belong here?â she shook her head, unable to look Hunter in the eye, âIt all feels so distant, so foreign. You feel so foreign. It doesnât make sense.. I donât make sense any more.â
Alaskaâs words were daunting. It was as though Hunter was paying attention to her as she spoke, but none of her words really registered in his mind... He couldnât divert his attention away from the fact that he was staring back in the mirror. Of a mirror which contained a younger version of himself; the version he had hoped to have left right in the past. And he was fully confident that heâd never return to that state. Getting a degree meant Hunter had become a teacher, and having Jacob had proved to the boy that miracles could happen, and sometimes life did indeed work in his favour. He had too much to live for, and Hunter had been given too many chances to give up before his time on earth was up.
Life now wasnât spectacular. It was the norm. But that was okay. It was typical for human beings to settle for ânormalâ, especially when a child was involved. Hunter was slowly beginning to feel that ânormalâ wasnât okay for Alaska... It was for him. He was comfortable and content and away from any harm. She had always been a free spirit.
âBabe...â He sighed, placing his arm around his wife, resting his cheek on the top of her head. Everything felt a little different now, and Hunter felt like he was losing the one he loved... Not physically, but mentally. Now he understood how tough it would have been for her all those years. âMaybe you need to go see somebody. I - Iâm not saying it is, but post-natal depression isnât taboo. And youâve only just had Jacob. It could be that.â Rubbing up and down her arm, he decided to switch off the television. The silence commended the topic of conversation better than pointless natter in the backdrop. âI donât know what you want to do. I really think you should see somebody. Jacob needs you - so does Lace. And youâre here physically but if you arenât mentally then thereâs no point.â Jacob began crying, and Hunter was scared this would just make Alaska a little worse in the moment. Babies cried - theyâd experienced it with Lacey. But not this. Not with Alaska like this. âWhy donât you take a week out? Get a week off the job. Take Lacey to see her dad. Go and do a little exploring.â The crying continued, and Hunter knew heâd have to rush to comfort Jacob and stop him from crying. âMaybe youâre too much of a free-spirit, you know? Or maybe you need time. But go to the doctors, then you should get away for a little bit. Iâll be okay.â With that, he rushed into the bedroom and picked up a screeching Jacob before bringing him back into the living room, breathing as the screaming began to quieten down.
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