My questions by #shipwreckedbythegods
1. Do you know… The Muffin Man?
If I knew the Muffin Man you would awake to the mouth-watering scent of freshly baked muffins on a daily basis. The sweet smell of banana chocolate-chip muffins draped in hot, jizzy vanilla cum would softly and soothingly carry you out of your dream-like state and into the realm of the living, rendering you pleasantly alert. Either I’m the worlds greediest asshole and am secretly tight as fuck with the Muffin Man but choose to hoard all of his warm, heavenly baked goods or I am not fortunate enough to have known the Muffin Man. You be the judge.
2. If you came to acquire a large machete what would you do with it?
At this point in my current career I think it’s safe to say that this machete would without a doubt accompany me to the kindergarten one fine, dewy, weekday morning. It would enter the establishment virginal and would exit tainted with the blood of thine enemies. Such enemies being disobedient, pretentious, havoc-causing six year olds. Do not let their age deceive you. You know not what these spawns are capable of. 3. If you could only wear one colour for the rest of your life, which would it be?
If I were to choose one colour that colour would hands down be black. Reasons why: It is versatile. It goes with absolutely everything. It’s appropriate to wear on the majority of occasions. From a New Years Eve party to a casual day of grocery shopping to a funeral. Always acceptable. Also, did I mention how flattering black is. Extremely. It can make a pregnant hippopotamus on the verge of expelling quintuplets appear to resemble it’s slightly smaller counterpart, the rhinoceros. 4. You’ve recently inherited a small sealion, what do you name it?
Something unnecessarily long, proper and ill-fitting. I name him Sir Wolfgang Maximilian the sixth’s bastard son. 5. Describe your perfect slice of pizza. (I realize this is not a question. I don’t care).
There are two versions of my perfect slice of pizza. The first involves a tradition style slice of pizza. Let's begin from the bottom and work our way up. The crust would be the perfect balance of crunchy and doughy. It wouldn’t be thin crust but it wouldn’t be so thick that it would be considered an icebreaker either. It would lie somewhere skillfully in between. It would be saucy! No skimping on the sauce. The cheese would be that of the lactose-free variety so as not to excruciatingly, speedily claw it’s way through my body upon consumption. There would only be a moderate amount of cheese. Enough to hold the pizza together but not enough to conquer the pizza and invade my mouth. Now for the best part. It would be loaded with fresh veggies. It would be topped with tomatoes, spinach, peppers, mushrooms, pepperoni, bacon, green onions, artichoke, grilled avocado, and a few olives. Now onto my second version of the perfect slice of pizza. Given that I not only have a sweet tooth, but every tooth is my oral cavity is sickeningly sweet, my perfect slice of pizza would be laden with sugar. The crust would have two layers. The first would be chocolate graham cracker. Then comes a oatmeal chocolate chip cookie crust (which would be ever so slightly under-baked - I like my cookies gooey). On top would be a velvety smooth fudge filling, then vanilla butter cream icing. Finally, chocolate syrup, caramel, and a dollop of whipped cream to complete this magnificent work of art. 6. In two sentences, describe your perfect romance. (Still not a question. Still don’t care).
Goodness my perfect romance in all of two sentences. This is a tough one. I meet a sweet, thoughtful, piss your pants hilarious, witty, clever, imaginative, outgoing, and sexy as hell man at random under odd, hilarious circumstances in a foreign land. We adventure around the city into the wee morning hours while laughing and becoming acquainted with one another's souls. 7. Crowd divider. Would you rather be a werewolf or a vampire? (And two sentences why).
Vampire (on the condition that I can choose the age and state/shape of my body prior to being frozen in time). Reasons: You have an eternity to wreak havoc and fuck shit up. Speeds faster than a teenage boy engaging in sexual activity for the first time. Daylight is overrated. Sterility. Being able to glamour all the embarrassing things I manage to do on a daily basis out of the minds of others is definitely a selling point. The intimidation factor. Perfect excuse to have a tall, drop-dead-gorgeous man on hand at all times - a girls gotta eat. I realize my reasoning was more than two sentences. There are simply too many pros to being a vampire to narrow it down to just two. 8. You see a man choking on the street, you know the Heimlich, but you’ve just bought a triple fudge sundae with all the toppings and it’s 37 degrees outside. How do you proceed?
I am a sweets lover. I am therefore no rookie in the desserts department. I would have that decadent sundae downed in the blink of an eye leaving ample time for life saving. I am able to relish in this indulgence in a timely manner while sending a man home to his family in time for supper, airways unscathed. Ya. I’m that good. 9. If you could rename yourself, which name would you choose?
If I could rename myself I would probably choose the name ‘Isolde’ because I find it very beautiful and feminine. I’ve also recently come to be fond of the name ‘Finlay’. 10. What would you do if I came out of your mum’s room covered in blood and said “we gotta go”? (Dane Cook helped me with this one). My hands would most likely also be stained with blood, and I would be bolting out alongside you, no explanation needed. Remember kids: A good friend will help you move, a true friend will help you move the bodies. And this is the woman who brought me into existence we’re talking about. If that’s not friendship, I don’t know what is. 11. Hey, so I just met you and I realize that this is crazy but here’s my number, call me maybe?
Before you are able to complete your sentence, your handy rings. You answer and you hear “Hey, babe” in a deep, commanding, smoldering, Ranger-like voice.
