Day One - Feb. 15th - Letter A
All of the lights in my house are off except for the one I’m currently using. It’s weird to think I used to be the one who would sleep earliest merely a few years ago, but now, being only eighteen, I pull the latest nights. Not because I need to, but rather because I can’t think of any other thing to do and sleep just doesn’t seem appealing any more.
Today it is February 15th and there a few bunch of things that are probably gonna drive me crazy one the next couple of days. First off, I would personally like to congratulate my calculus teacher for making my life hell without actually causing me to fly off the rail. Thanks Ms. L, I really appreciate it. However, the person who’s truly been driving me crazy lately is Sarah, (who is my girlfriend of two years.) I don’t know what to do, I feel like she changes so quickly I can’t keep up with her. I want to love her, but I’m not sure which version to love anymore. She seems like she’s really trying so I can’t really blame her for that. Even if stuff seems to be getting better, I can’t get my mind off the possibility of breaking up. On that note, fuck ambiguity. I like stuff to be defined. Do I love her? Definitely. Do I want to break up with her. I’m… not completely sure.
I feel like I can’t focus lately, I’m tired all the time and whenever I’m not tired I’m just overwhelmed by everything else. I wish I could just turn off the world inconsequentially for a few parts of the day just to be able to write. But, life isn’t easy like that.
These are a couple of things I came up with today that could possibly help me out with my writing later on, and I feel like maybe this writing challenge could get in a mood for writing, so there’s the possibility that I might just break into straight prose at some moment. But don’t you worry future self, I’ll make sure to mark it so that you know what is important amongst all of the bullshit.
- Biographical sort of view of my life as a story. Make it relating to my depression and this constant struggle I’ve with wanting to stay with Sarah, or testing out something new. It has to be realistic enough to bring attention, but then again not too realistic because it could have… well… unpleasant consequences. Including possible murder from Sarah’s part and more likely than not, boredom from my readers because let’s face it. Who wants to read about someone’s day to day life?
Shit. I lost my train of thought. Back to clueless babbling I guess…
I hate that I have this sort of pathological reaction of reaching to my phone. It doesn’t happen very often, except when it does. I tend to get especially anxious when I’m waiting from texts from Sarah and I don’t know why.
Sarah just texted me “sorry” once again.
Fuck you and specifically, fuck your wants. It’s-
Okay fuck you for simply leaving like always. Ugh. I don’t know what to do honestly.
Maybe I’m selfish. But fuck, you make me feel like shit.
How would that sound for the beginning of a story… Or rather, how could I start a story that is basically about how miserable I can be. Way to make it about you, dumbass. Since were still on the letter A…
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WOW. I told you I’m writing a journal entry and you try to dictate what I write about now. “Write about sex” Seriously? Fine, you get your wish.
—I don’t think about sex often. It’s not like this drive that constantly turns on in my head, and makes me want to pursue the act of coitus. I have way too much stuff on my head to constantly think about it, and I don’t even know how I feel about it. I hate the fact that it’s like this chore sometimes. I try so hard to make you feel good but nothing seems to work,. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex. I just seem to suck pretty badly at it and I don’t know what to do about it. I try to take my time, but you just rush me. So I don’t know whether to just keep trying to do what I’m doing or follow what you’re asking me to do. I don’t know. I feel like orgasms are overrated. Mine don’t feel that good, and I feel like the first time you orgasm you might feel disappointed by all of this build up you’re giving it. I try to avoid thinking about sex because it just kind of stresses me out, and maybe it’s because right now I’m not in the best mood to write about the dirty and the hot and the not so ugly. Believe me, there is the fun in it. But sometimes I feel the stress overdoes it. The reason why I often try to turn you on is to like in a way show that I am still trying to get you there and that I won’t give up. I want more chances to prove that I can do it, but sometimes my intentions don’t come at the right times and I bet it looks like I’m like addicted to sex. Honestly, I’m not sure what I am.
Ew. I wrote “that that”. Ugh, I hate doing that.
I went out with Audrey Saturday night. I know, weird right? Obviously it wasn’t like what you’re probably thinking. I might be unhappy, but I would never cheat. I don’t know, I guess I just wanted something different for a change. It was nice. Not to have any pressure and just like talking to someone I’m still trying to get to know. She’s funny. We have pretty good chemistry when bantering. She keeps up with my wit, which is rather impressive, and I keep up with hers. We also have quite the affinity for talking shit which is rather appreciated. It’s interesting, she’s like the first girl I had not trouble talking to when hanging out alone for the first time after texting for a while. It’s like we just slipped into conversation. Totally different from when I first hung out alone with Naomi, or Chloe. It’s funny, Jake said that if I wasn’t with Sarah “I’d totally be about you and Audrey together, you guys would be perfect”. I don’t think I like her quite yet. Then again, maybe I’m lying to myself. I don’t like to think about that. But, even if I did like Audrey I don’t think she’d agree with Jake’s point of view. I just don’t see her ever liking me like that. I think this is just the start of a really good friendship, and I am definitely okay with that.
As for Sarah, no clue how that’s gonna turn out.
(H)Asta la vista Assholes.
