For the first 2 months, I lived in denial that it is truly over. Next one month lived in denial that I don't love her. Right now I want to confess. Reading old chats of the best day of our time together, I could feel again, feel the purity of the thing we were. Laughing and crying at the same time is special. Laughing at every word of that day's conversation and crying over that precious 'I Love You' that I got, I realized one thing, maybe I was wrong. Jealousy isn't really stronger than love. After feeling all this, I felt like If I had the chance, I'll do it all over again. I am sorry for my emotional outbreaks, I was hurt, I still am. It hurt me to realize one day that for a person whom I made my top priority, i could be forgotten In a snap. That, all the good times we shared could be called nothing more than efforts. That all the while I was dreaming of a future with a person who would wake up to realise that she needed self love just because we went through a rough time of not being on the same page. It hurts to realize how my love created pressure, expectations and put burden when all I really wanted to do was make her feel loved, make her believe in herself, that she was worthy of being loved and cared for unconditionally, that I preferred her without makeup. I never expected Anything in return, it was unconditonal, but yes, a relationship is very demanding, expectations get created in their own. I failed myself too. I don't understand how I shouldn't get serious when I am told that "In My Head I know I have been in love before but with you it feels like the first and the only time". Yes, making me Happy also makes me serious. I am sorry for not realizing the efforts being put in by my special one for things that came naturally to me, things I considered basic for a relationship like talking, spending time, etc.. I am really sorry for being so possessive and sentimental and overthinking. It's just that I value people too much, often more than I value my ownself. I never felt exhausted because my love was just too strong and I never realised that the intensity wasn't mutual, I overestimated. Because of reactions and misunderstandings, 'we' have been damaged to a point from where there is no coming back. If there is one thing I will still expect from my special one is that she never questions if I really loved her or not. Everything I did was for her before myself. I might fall in love again but I can say this confidently, it will never be like my first love. I don't believe in sorry, I believe in redemption. I want to redeem myself by being a support pillar for her always and forever. My brain will not let me accept a relationship after this damage done to me even though some piece of my heart will always beat for the person it first started beating for. I love you 3000 is too less to describe it, but the pain is real too. I hope tomorrow isn't worse if not better. I hope we can build that trust again, and explore every other opportunity to the fullest and live like best friends because love did make me loose alot and I want to get all the good stuff I lost back with me.
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